can you satisfy me?

baby you drive me crazy.

Forever Love - X Japan

all that is in my heart is this melody.

oh sing for me-
once more.

crying again.
loud and pained.
like your heart being ripped in shreds.

was reading James Patterson's Suzanne's Diary For Nicholas
and i literally bawled my eyes out.
the same for Sam's Diary To Jennifer, by the same author.
it's heart-wrenching yet heart-warming at the same time.
somehow the people in his books tend to get over death at the end of the story.
i mean, that's great for them,
but in reality, will i ever be able to do that in matter of time?
two years, five years,
however long it takes,
will i be able to move on?

i am scared of death.
especially if it occurred to someone close to me.
i don't know how i will be able to move on
i really don't.
so i pray,
all the time,
that they come back safe and sound.
selfish?
probably.

A Poem Extracted From Suzanne's Diary To Nicholas

Who makes the treetope wave their hands?
And draws homeships from foreign lands,
And spins plain straw back into gold
And has a love too large to hold...

Who chases the rain from the sky?
And sings the moon a lullaby,
And grants the wishes from a well
And hears who songs sung from a shell...

Who has the gift of making much?
From everthing they hold or touch,
Who turns pure joy back into life?
For this I thank my son, my wife.

spinning spinning
my vision has gone hazy
this whirlpool,
this blackhole,
is sucking me in.

pictures of memories,
the shattered past,
and the short-lived present,
have come to bid goodbye.

i dance in circles
like a merry-go-round.
listening to the inaudible melody
playing inside my very own jukebox.
bass beats flow throughout my body,
feeling it, feeling this,
something so sacred and precious
that's only meant for me.

longing, longing
this desire to hold you,
is killing me.

i am a little disturbed by advancejoker's words
seriously i have no idea which part of our costume on Teacher's Dayis skanky
we wore hoodies, long pants..
HELLO?!!?
that is conservative alright!
i guess he has been living in a well.
you should go take a look at public dance performances
and you'll know the difference
his words really sent me pondering in my little word,
if that wear is not conservative enough,
i really cannot think of another costume that will beat that
seriously.
sometimes before you make a comment or say something out loud,
make sure you give your reasons on how we can improve
do not just blatantly state that "oh it's skanky"
without even giving ideas of improvements.
what more, if you can come out with an outfit more conservative than that
i'll take my hats off you.

anyway, who cares man, seems like he's the only one who said such stuff.
mad props to all who cheered and supported us that day!

my mum's mad
she thinks she's my new bodyguard.
she wants to marry me off as quickly as possible(any takers?)
she thinks i'm cold-hearted
she thinks she knows everything
but she doesn't.

i think i might go haywire.
in terms of sexuality.
i might.

i used to think that the world is crazy,
but when i reflect what i have said,
i realised the crazy one is me.

the fake smiles and superficial personalities
i write about in my diary,
depicting people who i see,
i found out i was not talking about them,
i was talking about me.

i feel happy and sad at the same time.
happy because i love my class and friends,
the laughter and joy they give me.
sad because i know when school ends that day
no one will ever bother about it anymore.

janna once told me when we were having dance
"Sam, you're so vulnerable."
deep down i was like, who are you trying to kid?
everyone thinks i am strong,
everyone thinks i am cold-hearted,
everyone thinks i am able to hold myself really well.

Calm and composed,
i may seem.
however, that is not the real me.

i have been creating a superficial image of me.
the big, bad, rebel, no-nonsense chick.
one who could take all the shit,
and kick all the guys asses like it's no biggie.

it was fun at first
then it had became lonely.
i was in this game alone,
where's the enemy?
my nemisis?
my backhand man?
my soul mate?
not there. never had anyone been there.

it is pretty amusing to see myself fall into such a pit
so what if my secrets are uncovered?
i am not going to use some lame excuse to avoid being embarrased anymore

i want to start anew
the birth of the new me.