my darlings

I don't understand myself, or the reason why I exist
is my life on earth filled with unexpected obstacles?
or is it just a meaningless one.
though I have decided to devote all my school time to studying
who am I to complain that I feel left out?
who am I to know about all their matters
when all I see is the content from the textbooks
who am I to feel that whatever they said was too hurtful?
whatever they did pains me?

I tried to hide, to cover up my emotions.
I put up a strong front
because of the hurtful experience I had before
instead, everytime when I reach home,
I question myself is it worth the pain within?
I longed to selfishly say whatever is on my mind,
but I know I can never do that,
as I would rather get hurt than them getting hurt.
people are dubious creatures.
they mock people of backstabbing and gossiping behind their backs
when they themselves also practise the same act.
I bet never in the lives did they ever notice this.

after the danceNow competition the week before Last Saturday,
I finally broke down
I knew the day was coming
the day before the competition, I wanted to do it already
I am tired, stressed and under pressure.
I am glad that it's finally over now.

but why am I still not happy?

I hardly saw or talked to my Dad for two weeks.
he seems to be drifting away.
I know he is busy with his outside matters,
I know he is tired and does not have the time and energy to think of other things
that is what that pains me the most
exerting himself to the limits.
seems to me that I have gained a chauffeur and lost a Dad.
how sad and pathetic can that be..

I really admire Jas and Jenna to be on such good terms with their mothers
I know that can never happen to me
not in a life time.
my mother is like a hurricane
winding up rooted trees and houses
creating a storm
ceasing to rest,
always whirling, swirling, taking everything along with her..
jumping into conclusions are one of her traits
how wonderful can my life be?
I always long to have a heart to heart talk with my mother
but seems to me, it will most probably end up in an argument
not us acting like two bestfriends on the bed
giggling nonsensically about random stuffs.

I wish I could change my life.
how can you inspire me?

it's been two years
and I am certain
what ever I am feeling now
can never be transmitted to you
a barrier has formed
it's too late for me to spill
no worries
because while I reminisce about the past
I will always remember you

OMG! FLOORSKILLS WAS THE BOMB!
the koreans and the thais were awesome
DASH is so cute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and so is that two korean guys who did the 3rd/4th position tag
they are like so HOT
ahhhhhhhhhhhh
i'm going crazy!
lol
nite all

i wish i could not care about them
i wish that time can backtrack past
i wish the world's not such a horrible place
but my wishes can never come true.

i do not know how to explain this
but why do people pass on?
i wish i could help suz ease her sadness
but it is difficult
i believe she is a strong girl
and she'll be able to cope with this
hopefully.

after the visitng the casket
that night i couldn't sleep
i told pap that i would sleep early
i ended up sleeping at 2am in the morning
i reckoned i heard something
it was like this faint handphone ring tone
it was loud at first
then it got softer
but i know it wasn't anyone in my family's phone
creepy i thought
then i thought of suz
tears
lying in bed eyes wide open
i just couldn't sleep

i am scared
i don't want anything like this to happen to daddy
or mummy
or that lil brat at home
i got so scared that i stolen his packet of cigs
it's lying in my drawer now
what should i do?
discard it?
tell me.
what should i do?

sometimes i sit and think to myself
i am so sick of smiling every single day
so sick of pretending
feeling nauseous because of the pretence
why can't i just frown or whine?
why can't i pout my lips and get what i want?
why can't i just revert back to the gloomy me,
where i feel that i am me?
i cannot because i will feel that this whole world is against me
i cannot because i do not have the ability to convince
i cannot because i am too tired of trying
but how contended will i be if i gave them all up?

sometimes i feel really left out
probably its because i do not really share what's inside my heart
i really wished that when technology blooms
there will be this device
whereby we can read each other's thoughts
wouldn't it be much easier for all of us?
there will not be any hassel of worrying about the other party's feelings
and probably i wouldn't feel so selfish as to demand something
but what i really want are things really simple

i longed for my mother to cuddle me
i have always wished my father could gently ask me "What's wrong?"
i desire for my friends attention

aren't i selfish to think that way?
i can't help it.
i am just a human being afterall.
is it too greedy to ask for love?
i never felt i was loved before
ever since my parents labelled me as "Independent".
i still use it now,
as an excuse to convince myself that it is alright to be alone.
everytime i put that smile back on my face
i would tell myself: Today will be a better day
i don't want to stop smiling
because if i do,
i will never know when i'll start smiling again.

picture this
i am on an internet hunt for japanese videos on YouTube
then a Jdrama caught my eye
title "A litre of Tears"
as expected its a tearjerker with many heartbreaking scenes
an hour later
i am sitting in front of my computer crying my eyes out
this drama is really heartbreaking
it is about this 15 year old girl who has Spinocerebellar Degeneration
which means her brain is constantly deteororiating
to a point where she becomes bedridden
but the cruelity of this disease is that only the physical aspects of the body are affected
her mind is still working and aware of her surroundings
i find Aya's, the female lead, will to live very touching
even though she knows of her disease,
her only desire is to live life to the fullest
i wonder if i was in her shoes,
will i be this strong to accept the truth?
can i live life happily,
and not loathe the hard passage of life that i have to walk through?
will i be able to move on,
or sit in a corner, looking dejected
giving up my hope on life?
i guess one would not know what their reaction might be unless they are in that position
i really admire people with strong character
i look up to them as inspirations of hope
generators of joy
to be able to fuifill a simple but difficult desire
is the most precious of all
oh by the way, the above is a true story.

went for a W.K.M introductory dance class today
by the way it stands for wacking, krumping and milking
taught by Gin
she's super hot
learnt tonnes of stuff
and literally sweat my ass out
i wanna dance more
and more
and MORE!
can't wait for ryan's lesson on monday
i hope the juniors whom we coached will do well
please guys..
for the sake of Dance
and for the sake of everybody we had brought the Dance reputation up
do your best
i hope ryan will not lecture us and waste his time again
i really hope we could learn new choreography
however, who can relate to my desire for new dance steps?
they who appear committed
but are not
they who appear to try
gives up half way
they who appear to love dance
are just liars in the making
for heaven's sake eliminate those errors
and love dance for passion.

happy st valentine's everyone!
man this would be the best valentine's day i ever had
recieved tonnes of sweet little somethings from not only my cloest buddies L6, Jas, Jac and Tsy
but from nicolette, rachel, becca, sexy monkey, yingtong, siti etc.
surprisingly yengjie and sinteck also gave all the girls in class a stalk of rose, ferero roche and a little note!
prem also gave tsy,zhen,suz and i a bouquet of 5 roses, which means "I Love You... Like real."
LOL
and best of all Saran, Shafiq and i don't know who else treated the class to pizza!
i love them man!
i love 4e2 for life!
you guys rock!!!!

jas, have fun with you-know-who.
LOL