have u guys ever seen someone cry and the next minute you know you are tearing up too?
i did.
never ever felt this way before.
i hate crying in front of others
i loathe the way i feel so weak inside
i detest how people around me show sympathy, as if they can understand what i'm going through.
As if.. as if..
well, the most ugly thing i can ever describe is me.
why did i turn out like that? why can't i make noise and fool around with the old gang anymore?
why am i holding back? what's wrong?
i've always asked myself what's wrong? why did i choose to act oblivious and invisible when all i want is someone to care?
in the end, i get hurt and yet i refuse to admit my defeat.
i am a weakling.
deep inside me, the answer has been lingering for so long, but i couldn't say it out loud to admit this fact.
why can't i be strong? like those drama serials where the courageous female lead seems to be the cream of the crop and the others are so far from where she stands?
i wish i have some guts to shout out that i need loads of TLC, probably writing in here is one of the bigger risks i am willling to take.
but so what? it's not as if anyone's gonna take action.
everybody would be minding their own business like family, other friends, boyfriends, schoolwork, personal problems.
who would ever give a damn about me?
stupid lil me.
i have changed, i realised i don't like crowds. i don't like taking initiative.
i don't like being around too many people, i am afraid that someone laugh at me when i speak mandarin.
i love my ipod mini, cos when i have it, i can't hear what others are saying and as for the picture in front of my eyes, i can just pretend no one's there. and when i pretend, the world seems to brighten up. cos there's only me and my surroundings and no one else to distrupt that beautiful serenity.
but perhaps i am still the same ol' Sam, just deep inside me the characters of my past still lives.
perhaps i am hiding it just because i am afraid.
afraid that i would lose what i had lost once again.
afraid that i would be alone when i'm already alone
afraid of violence, words of anger, impulsiveness, break downs and maybe myself.
i love my friends but i can't bring myself to express it to them
i dunno why, perhaps i feel like they are also distancing themselves away from me?
the way that i did to them before the exams.
i know it's my fault, so i can't blame them, but i can't accept it either.
i dun wanna feel pain, i dun wanna feel hurt, i don't want to feel any signs of jealousy, betrayal, or have any type of problematic relationships like i used to have.
i just wanna let go and probably migrate myself into my own world.
i can't face reality. i can't. it's too tough for me
and i know there's no one who can really help me. cos everybody has a scar inside them
a dark deep secret where they aren't willing to show, they are hypocrites betraying on themselves, putting up a fake front, making themselves seem happy when they are not.
i don't wanna be like them. never ever.
that's why i choose to disappear.

and to that freaking BUStard who hurt my family, good will never come to your family.
this is the first time i'm being so protective towards them.
if ya wanna have a man to man fight, make sure its FAIR. not 4vs1
but most of all i hate u for using violence
i hate the fact that u used a chain to swat my relative
i hate it when u pushed my aunt onto the floor and caused her so much pain
i hate it when u kicked her stomach and don't feel ashame
you are a fully grown man, how can u do this to a lady?
and yet to think i've just attended social ettiquette lessons yesterday.
be aware of your actions. be very aware.
cos once when u let slip of the demonic side of you
you're gonna get caught and never ever come back again.
if i was ever there i'm sure i'll never let u off
no matter how hurt i am.
stupid fag.
and i know why your kid has so much problems and always misunderstand others
cos with a father like you, how can you not expect your kid to go haywire
i will not forgive but i will forget
cos hating is tiring
i hate to hate
and don't ever try to remind me again.
never ever
just let it fade.