Thank you...

This week has been amazing! First things first, can y'all believe it, O SCHOOL RECITAL 2010 is actually happening tomorrow!! Excited yet I wished it would happen later! Not that I don't feel prepared or anything, it's just that once recital is over, there will be an empty block in my life. I will probably miss Wednesday and Sunday rehearsals, miss heading to O School just to train with everyone, miss the laughter, sweat and the dancing! I will probably feel very lonely then. Every time I do recital, I feel like I am involved in something amazing, something that people get to see for a short while on stage, but it took us a month or two to prepare. I enjoyed the process more than anything and it is always sad to see it end. This year will be a little different since there will be 3 shows; Sat, 7pm & Sun 3 & 7pm! Thank you everyone who has been supporting O SCHOOL RECITAL, cos we've got 3 SOLD OUT SHOWS!!!!!!! :D

With this, I would like to thank O School and all their instructors for always guiding us and giving us the opportunity to perform on such a big stage. Personally, I feel everyone in O School is so exquisite, always lending a helping hand, no matter in life or personal matters! I don't know what I will become if I haven't attended my first O School class back then in Bras Basah! So I really thank God for O School!

And to my dear Kosmic crew, Tuesday night was really fun! I always enjoyed my time with you guys! I will probably miss Marcia alot when she is leaving, cos there will be no one to make us laugh! Okay, please promise that we will go for one more night out before Marcia leaves!!

To my boy, sorry this year I can't go all out for your birthday like I usually do, cos I gotta save money for my hospital bills! But I hope you will still get to enjoy your day with me! ;)

what do you want from me?

As you get older you have more responsibilities, more commitments, more money to be wasted.

Every month from now I have to set aside money for:

1. Hospital bills

2. Mobile phone bills

3. Personal expenses - travelling, food, contact lenses

4. Monthly tithes, offerings and savings.

5. Random miscellaneous things that require me to pay more money.

It makes me realise how I freaking hate money. When I have money, you keep asking. When I don't you not just ask BUT you keep nagging why I am not earning.

OMG.

I wish I can just shut everything out, it's like you think I get money can drop down from the sky is it? You expect me to have this and have that, but you don't think how difficult it is for me.

You say, I wasted my time after graduation doing nothing.

But i didn't do nothing. I did many things which YOU DIDN'T SEE.

I got involved in YOG, did many dance shows/jobs; I worked at a friggin Daycare centre for kids in a resort, I learned to look after KIDS - change diaper etc; and now I have an upcoming job for a Mascot.

I'm sorry if I am not earning enough to your expectations. You expect me to give you money which I can't afford because I have to look after myself. Did it ever crossed your mind that sometimes i WALK so far in order to save transportation costs? When my EZ link card has no money, were you there to help me? I had to rely on taking out from my Bible school fund or Kaiwen to send me home.

Maybe I sound like an ungrateful, unfilial child, but seriously I am no degree holder. You constantly ask me to move out, saying I am hopeless etc, but still say I AM YOUR MOTHER/FATHER AND I HAVE THE RIGHTS. Technically yes, but seriously, it's been going on for so long, when I don't say anything, doesn't mean that I am okay with it.

Yes, I really wished that I am earning right now, so I could fulfill your wish of moving out and giving you money regularly.

Ugh.

No more holidays, good food, additional spending for me.

Time for me to just solely depend on myself, not like I haven't been doing it, just that now financially, i don't have a choice.

Just some updates.

A month ago, I visited a neighbourhood family doctor regarding some period issues, I have super bad cramps which require me to rest the entire day at home, other symptoms include body/muscle aches, vomiting, diarrhea and cold sweat, similar to food poisoning. On certain days, when I dance excessively, or that particular dance is very energetic, I tend to get cramps and spotting (eh fyi for male readers, it's a very light blood discharge).

This made it very uncomfortable for me as it was pretty disruptive. I remembered last time during my internship, it got so bad every month I had to take a day or two off. What's worst is that my supervisor didn't believe me! She told my other colleagues "Got so bad meh? It's so exaggerating..."

So back to the family doctor, the doctor prescribed Yaz, a birth control pill, and I was told to take it when my period first started. I previously have pretty regular periods. So i started on 8 Oct and I was pretty impressed with the results as I didn't experience any cramps at all! So I continued to religiously consume it. However, after the normal 7 days of period, I realised I was still having my period! It lasted for whole month of Oct, sometimes regular flow, other times are light spotting.

I got a little bit worried when I finished my course of Yaz and I proceeded to see a doctor at the Polyclinic. The doctor was quite worried when I told her my symptoms and I had to take a test which turned out negative and she proceeded to prescribed me Norethisterone - a kind of hormone called progesterone. She said there were no side effects to this pill, I asked because I was afraid to put on weight.

I began consuming this on Wed, all went well until Fri. I had a little argument with Kaiwen and I have never in my life felt so angry before. It was over a very minor issue and I didn't know why I had to blow up like that, be this angry and doing/saying all those stupid things which I can't remember what I said now. All I knew was rage, in my head, in my body, I just feel like hurting something. It doesn't matter if it was me or someone else. Now thinking back, I remember being very anxious, I wasn't thinking with my head, I was constantly shivering with anger and my body was shaking like crazy. I was crazy, in fact. I couldn't see straight and was hitting myself, until he stopped me and I broke down. I couldn't control my emotions, cried easily and I felt so down that I didn't wanna live anymore. Normally, I wouldn't feel this way, for eg. if Gin scolded me, I will be able to take it, but that day I just started crying when I didn't wanna cry. It's like crying for no reason. I was crying almost everyday before that day and I haven't cried in a LOOOOOONG time.

When things got a little better, after that crazy stint, he asked me not to take those pills anymore. I went home and researched about Norethistherone and I saw many side effects that shocked me more than a little.

Taken from ehow.com (bold to show what I've experienced)

Hormonal Side Effects

1. The most common norethisterone side effects, experienced by fewer than one in 10 women, include breakthrough bleeding, breast tenderness, changes in sex drive, excessive hair growth, fluid retention and bloating and hair loss.

Additional Side Effects

2. Additional common side effects include depressed mood, dizziness, drowsiness, fatigue, headaches, insomnia and nausea, rash and itching, and weight gain.

Blood Clots

3. Progesterone is associated with a slightly-increased risk of blood clots when included with estrogen in oral contraceptives. Progesterone alone may also increase this risk. The risk of blood clots can be increased when people are immobile for long periods of time, such as during bed rest after surgery.

Diabetic Concerns

4. Norethisterone can increase blood sugar levels, and should be taken cautiously by women with diabetes.

Liver Problems

5. Rarely, norethisterone is associated with liver problems. Signs are nausea and vomiting, fatigue, dark urine and jaundice.
6. 
   

Luckily, I was due for an appointment at KKH and I feedback to the doctor serving me, she asked me to stop that medication and to wait for my period to come (currently still waiting). I was asked to do a PAP Smear and Ultrasound, which I have no idea for what, I didn't asked cos I was stoned from the pain in my head and the doctor didn't tell me. My next appointment will be in Jan, before I know my results.

Moral of story? See a specialist if you have a specific problem, don't mess with your hormones and stick with friends who understand and support you! Thank you Beibei, Iris and Ah Lee, for understanding.

So now I am off the stupid hormone pill and feeling tad better! I don't feel like dying (lol) or crying though the faigue is still there. Nevertheless, I better start looking after my health now!