Hi all! It's been so long since I've last blogged! I bet I say this everytime, but today is kinda special cos today marks the countdown of 21 days till my 21st Birthday! Seriously, I wanted to throw a small get-together at a chic little cafe with my friends (not that I have alot) and enjoy a good time. However there are some complications like money and my mother who keeps insisting that I shouldn't celebrate it resulting in so much nagging that I have concluded to not celebrate my birthday. Makes things alot easier and cheaper!
Looking back, I always looked forward to my birthdays cos I get presents (duh) and people treat me nicer on that day, but in the recent years, I have not been enjoying my celebrations. I don't know why? Afraid to grow old? Have white hair or wrinkles? Heh. I ain't too sure myself. I guess I always enjoyed the attention, and that's the end of it. From young, you can say that I couldn't get the attention from my parents as during the crucial childhood phase, my parents were both busy attending to my baby sister and was constantly neglecting me. The most vague memory I can recall them looking out for me is when I refused to study and ended up getting whacked by my mother. Lol! Those were the days. I remember it being very tough, because I wasn't brought up to express myself outwardly, so I kept all the negative emotions inside, hating my family, my life and I was constantly rebelling. My mother told me many times when I was young that I was 'Stupid' and said things like 'I give up on you' when I was 12 and I could understand and feel the pain for such words. I guess that was when I lost all my self confidence, my esteemed and myself.
I was constantly caring about how people see me, I don't have faith, in simple words I lost it. I longed for someone to talk to, to share all these feelings. But I couldn't even admit to myself that I was experiencing all these, much less to disclose it to someone else. What made it worst was Puberty. My skin broke out, I suffered from acne and tremendous weight gain. My height stunted and never felt uglier in my life.
It was hard to admit to myself things would have been a little better if I could be honest and tell my parents about it. Instead of bottling up everything and creating more problems such as sucidal thoughts, depression and what not. I am very lucky to have met certain people in my life today that brought me to God. My relationship with my parents have never been better, we talk like old friends and I started understanding them better. Being involved in a religion was a stepping stone for me. I begin to let myself believe in something called Faith and that was the best gift that God has given me, apart from Dance. Without Faith, I wouldn't have the strength and determination to continue dancing (remember I was fat and uglier, plus my ballet teacher always scolds me and made me cry in class whilst dancing, looking back I'm glad I have all these experiences to share!).
I guess I was also often misunderstood quite a bit cos perhaps I still am not used to telling people about everything that I am feeling, I am learning guys! Bear with me. I guess I am just the kind who's afraid of getting rejected or boring people out! Hahaha. Oh well, I look so scary most of the time cos I don't really know how to approach people plus I shy. Oops. Hehe. Hopefully I will gain more confidence in all the things that I do and look forward to my brightly shining future! LOL.
So now, as I am hitting the age of adulthood, I guess I really wanna thank many people in my life:
1. My dearest family for giving me shelter, care and unconditional love.
2. My dearest friends from TPDE who opened my eyes to the world, laughter, joy, love and good times (plus many more to come!).
3. The instructors in O School for always inspiring and encouraging me.
4. Special shoutout to Gin for giving me shelter in the House of God and always giving timely advices and paving a certain direction for me to work harder to chase after.
5. KOSMIC CREW - you girls and our camaraderie that's something that can never be replaced. Thanks for all the sweat, tears, fireballs and lotsa goooood loving!
6. DN1, don't know what I'll do without you guys! It's like having an external family here.
7. Suz and Charlene for 8 years of great friendship!
8. To my dearest who has been through hell with me (cos I give him hell, sorry baby!) and of cos plenty of good times too. Thank you for loving all side of me, ugly, crazy and silly parts included! :)
Yeah, I am so grateful for everything, but I won't just stop here and be complacent cos I am contented. I want to do greater things and work harder for the goals He has set for me. I have this desire to do more, help more, give more and love more. Life will not be life if we don't make Life what we what it to be! I have so many inspirations for my years ahead! I want to be able to see it come to life! No matter how many times I fail and fall back, I believe these failures will be the experiences that enable me to accomplish my dreams. Sure, there will be more crying, sadness and despair but on top of all that I am sure joy, love, happiness and accomplishment will abolish all these initial, negative emotions!
Currently, I am still slowly accepting to become a better person, it is a timely process but I believe it will happen! So for my 21st birthday, I really appreciate everything that I have. My family, friends and my life. I thank you all for that! :D
Okay I am ending this post with a Birthday Wishlist, haven't done this in years and perhaps to hint to Kaiwen what he can get me! Hahaha!
Wishlist:
1. A good dancer's body, feel and techniques! (Lol)
2. A good wide head epilator. (Sorry I very hairy!!!)
3. Good grades from graduating from SOT.
4. A Swarovski/Diamond encrusted small Christ(cross) necklace.
5. OMG airtickets to New York please!
6. A job that I will come to love and enjoy!
7. Something branded? <----- lol typical 21st birthday wish.
8. Scholarship to study dance.
9. Ooooh trip to Japan (to study dance), lol all dance related!
10. Nike Mid Troup in White!
11. A new carry all bag that makes me look slim. LOL.
12. Better skin.
13. Tremendous weight lost to lean muscles!! Ideal = 48kg! PLS PLS PLS! HAHAHAHA.
14. A great dinner without me paying. :D
15. One night stay in some boutique hotel so I can wake up and say 'WAH ORCHARD IN THE MORNING SO PEACEFUL.'
16. A nude high wasited short shorts that minimizes my gigantic ass.
17. Great friendship for many years ahead!
18. A new wallet!
19. Aiyah, more money lo, what else right?!
20. Another family holiday, this time together with my Boy!
21. LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
