happy birthday not.

this song just sums up everything.

Too many times, I have wondered
What all the tryin' is for.
You come around, I feel so down
I'm gonna drown
'Cause I know that you've fallen short

But do you know?
It doesn't change
The way I feel 'bout you, at the end of the day
'cause I know, that I all I want is what you got.
All I want, is what you got.

Too many times, I have wanted
To turn around and walk away
Knowing deep inside, I can't provide
What I need from you, anyway

Do you know?
Doesn't change
The way I feel 'bout you, at the end of the day
'Cause I know
That all I want is what you got
All I want is what you got
Tell me that I wanna go
But I wanna stay
Tell you that I wanna go
But I wanna stay
Tell you that I wanna go
But I wanna stay
I wanna stay I wanna stay I wanna stay
But I know I'm gonna lose myself this way
I wanna stay I wanna stay I wanna stay
But I know I'm gonna lose myself this way

Do you know?
Doesn't change
The way I feel 'bout you, at the end of the day
'Cause I know all I want is, what you got
All I want is what you got

But
this
Romantic
is
all I got

unappreciated. unloved. unwanted. unaccepted.
do i really deserve a life like this?
when will someone start coming after me?
no one did in my life.
i am replaceable.
when i think of this,
i just feel like slittling my wrist and drown in my own skin.
i'm sorry mum and dad.

wishmefebruary!

All the more for a wishlist!

1. A new laptop! (MacBook anyone?)

2. iPhone 3GS/BB Bold 2 :D (okay i am dreaming for it! gotta save money, or I can just make more ibanking transactions and win it from POSB!)

3. New headphones/earphones (i have crushed my Apple ones so delicately...)

4. New boots! (to dance in! yes i want the sexy ones.)

5. New kicks? (wearing both Nikes out!)

6. A desktop (lol, so I can reinvent my room and put a study table there.. yeah right! more like to play SIMS 3!)

7. A romantic holiday for post Valentine's! :P

8. More dance opportunities! (priceless man.. these!)

9. An airticket to NYC!

10. A one way ticket to paradise/heaven. Lol.

don't judge, don't assume, just don't

left out left out left out.
no matter how many times he has repeatedly told me to stop hurting myself,
but i just gotta accept the fact.
that it is what it is.

i hurt myself more then anyone, why?

if i was prettier, smarter, skinnier, have a beautiful heart.
perhaps i would love myself more.
i feel disgust that every time i look into the mirror i feel like smashing it.
or worst still removing the person that is staring back at me.

i want to achieve this yet i can't.
i want to do this yet i fear.
i want to become something and i don't know how.
this is not me... it is not me...

now i am broke and hungry,
and i am wearing thin.
it is like an emotional battle every single time.
with yourself.

3 more laps to completing 2.4!

Finished my Strategic Marketing task hours ago.
Was supposed to do the collation of surveys but were delayed cos of... LOL. You know who you are.

NAPFA today was exhausting... tired!!!!!
I rather dance! Haha~

Okay, gonna shower and start studying soon!
Just had my Youtube videos therapy and it makes me happy!

OHMYTIAN!
IMC test on Thurs,
Global test on Fri,
DANCE EXAM on Sat...

I will survive!

help answered?

This is really beneficial for me right now.
Daily Devotion By Pastor Kong

Must Christians Suffer?
17 Jan 2010
Then He answered and told them, “Indeed, Elijah is coming first and restores all things. And how is it written concerning the Son of Man, that He must suffer many things and be treated with contempt?” Mark 9:12

It was very difficult for the disciples to grasp the idea that their Savior would have to suffer. The Jews who studied the Old Testament prophecies expected the Messiah to be a great king like David, who would overthrow the enemy, Rome. But their vision was limited to their own time and experience.

If Jesus hadn’t suffered and died, we would have died in our sins. Through His suffering, Jesus completed the work necessary for our salvation. Through His suffering, Jesus fully identified with us. We know that Jesus understands our struggles because He faced them as a human being. We can now trust Him to help us survive our trials and overcome life’s temptations.
Suffering is one of the unavoidable passages of life.

Some people think that troubles are always caused by sin or a lack of faith. But trials are often a part of God’s plan for believers.

Jesus never promised that His followers would not suffer (Luke 21:17-19). Suffering brings a number of benefits: (1) It may be an opportunity for you to practice submission before God. (2) It can build in you character (James 1:2-4) and patience (Rom. 5:3-5). You can’t really know the depth of your character until you see how you react under pressure. (3) You start to become sensitive toward others who may also be facing troubles (2 Cor. 1:3-7). It is easy to be kind to others when everything is going well, but can you still be kind when others treat you unfairly?
God’s will is to make you mature and complete, not to keep you free from pain.

Instead of complaining about your struggles, you should see them as opportunities for growth. Often, your troubles may be a sign of effective Christian living on your part.

Finally, God does not expect us to enjoy suffering. Only days after telling the disciples to pray that they might escape persecution, Jesus Himself asked God to spare Him the agonies of the cross, if that was God’s will (Luke 22:41-42). It is abnormal to want to suffer, but as Jesus’ followers, we should be willing to suffer if by doing so, we can help build God’s kingdom. We have two wonderful promises to help us persevere when we suffer: God will always be with us (Matt. 28:20), and He will one day rescue us and give us eternal life (Rev. 21:1-4).

I will be better.

Just give me the reason to scream and cry.
Just give me the reason to take flight.
Just give me the reason to hurt myself.
Just give me the reason to fall unintended.

Just give me the reason to breathe...
Just give me the reason to believe.

I am only human.

hauntings

Days like this,
I am too afraid to sleep.

The present just keeps coming back to haunt me,
those sleepless nights finally kicked in.
I'm broken now,
only too worn out to be.

I finally understand why people are addicted to cough syrups.
The drowsiness hits you in the back of the head,
allowing you to fall into a dreamless sleep.

No Boundaries

What I have said, I have said.
I'm going to take someone's advice and play dead. :)

Wish that James's comment was still there though. It really rock the balls off anyone!
Hahaha!

FOR YOU WHO IS SO INSISTENT ON KNOWING AN ANSWER.

I really cannot take this already.
If YOU are so perfect,
such a GOOD CHRISTIAN,
such a STRONG BELIEVER.
Would you even say things like that?

YOU can quote all the bible verses in the world,
but it is so contradicting that YOU, YOURSELF are not applying it.
Look at the way YOU talk to me.

Seriously I fee it is full of crap.
YOU can talk all about me making myself to be judged.
But please la, look at the comments, I only see YOU judging me.
And why do I have to be judged by someone like YOU?

Thinking back, I remembered YOU once told me that YOU hated it when Gin judged YOU because of the past,
what the others said about you blah blah blah.
In the end? YOU still judged other people.
YOU say YOU don't care about what people think of YOU.
Yeah, just continue to be this way and best of all stop talking.
Cos why should I listen to YOUR words when YOU don't even bother listening to others?

I bet you will continue to comment like crazy after this post,
but I don't care.
I am not angry or hurt or sad or even pissed.
I just feel wronged.

Next time perhaps I should write about every single thing I prayed to God about,
then people like YOU won't judged me.
Just because YOU can't see, doesn't mean YOU can assume.

Okay in fact I should just close this with a prayer.


Dear God,
Please give me the willpower to ignore all these nonsense in my life, especially so with people who don't respect. I pray that with this obstacle that I overcomed, I will have greater revelations. Let me back into your wings again. Give me the strength to overcome these in your ways and emerge a better person.
Amen

Life measures up in an entry

In life,
some people are luckier,
they have more opportunities and when you see them you this glow of happiness.

In life,
some people are left unwanted,
they are cast aside for whatever reasons and they are generally unhappy.

In life,
some people are meant to do things,
some people are meant to say things,
and some,
are just meant to be nothing.

I won't let life lead me,
cos I am the decider of my future.
For whatever God has laid in front of me, I will take it,
experience it,
get hurt,
be happy,
cry,
laugh,
smile,
and worry.
That's cos I am only human.

The only reason, why I feel like giving everything up because I feel this burden.
It sits on my shoulders like a haunting ghost.
I jst want to rid of this burden, refresh myself, prepare for it,
and when I am ready,
I will face it again.

To those that are judging my faith in God.
Let me tell you one of my new year resolutions in 2010,
which TO HAVE FAITH IN THE LORD.
Ever since last year December,
I have never once doubted Him!
I love Him more than you can imagine.
I praise Him when all is well,
I cry to Him when I am feeling sad.
I asked Him for help when I feel lost.
All these are done in my quiet time, so please stop using the past to judge who am I now.

You know what,
I am going to live my life without anyone but God dictating it.
So goodbye to all those people that will not add value to my life at all.

Thank you - the people whom i talked to for listening.
You guys have been great supports!

take this loneliness and turn it into dance

i hate long bus/train rides,
or just simply taking a long walk alone.

the lonely serenade.
the meaningless thoughts.
the umpteenth assumptions.

but,
I love long bus/train rides,
or just simply taking a walk alone.

the magic in my head when i put on my ipod.
the dance that flows naturally in my mind.
the choreography that i didn't intend to do.

oh, i love you,
my dance,
my song,
my life.

melancholy

i had a sudden realisation.
and i'm pretty sure it is not a good thing.

i really want to get away with someone special.
get away and breathe.

i hope the tears dry tonight.
the tears in my heart.

2010 oh 2010!

a new year, a new post, a new life?

i was reading all my old entries due to this unexplainable emotional wave that swept me over.
got me thinking of someone.
someone that i used to care about very deeply.
i realised, we didn't even have much contact.
but i felt that we cared for each other deeply...
and before you know it, POOF, time flies and you guys lost contact.

so people, right noe, today,
if you have someone you truly care about and have yet to express your thanks/appreciation or even some good ol' lovin,
do it before you start regretting. :)

i guess i really did regret afterall.
i wonder how he is doing now, but that's all in the past.
looking forward to this year.

but but but...
i hope i can get to enjoy my birthday/CNY/valentine's/GEMS 5.
i am so stressed and tired that i am having a splitting headache.
okay, pictures soon.
mind, body and eye coordination got problem already...
NIGHT!