clarification

Just to clarify things that people might assume.

We did not fight/argue/get pissed at each other.
There are just too many misunderstandings now that caused this relationship to turn sour.
The issue was not about us at all, it was just a problem that I have.
However, neither party spoke clearly to clarify the misjudgement causing us to blame each other.

I don't understand why we always go through this.
The reason being that we think we will stay by each other's side forever, has blinded the fact that none of us made the effort to change ourselves for each other.
He had to change his bad habits, being late, laziness, showing more concern and taking initiative.
I have to change my ways too, less possessive, less sensitive and change my personality.

I know some people, me included, will think why do we have to change for each other?
I really did accept him for who he is wholeheartedly, just that all these nitpicking resulted in the inability to do so.

Somehow when I see change, I feel that I cannot be myself anymore.
I have to be aware of what I say, what I do.
Not just to him, but my friends, because, everyone else will be judging.

I don't know if you will be angry when I post this.
I just want to clarify things with people, do not misunderstand that we got a fight etc.
It was a misunderstanding between both of us and we just had to trash things out.

I didn't know how long this relationship will last.
I once thought it was very stable and I was certain that he is the one.
Now, we're hanging on a thin line.
None of us are trying anymore, perhaps we are both tired and both of us want to pursue our personal goals.

God has played a very cruel joke on me and I am only blaming myself for that, because I did not know how to handle it.
So to everyone who hates me, you guys should be rejoicing right now.
I brought my own downfall.

I don't expect Kaiwen to love me anymore, neither do I expect him to tell me so.
I never once expected anything from this relationship.
Him yes, but not this relationship.
I just purely wanted his love and to give him my love.

I just have to pick up the pieces and move on.
Sometimes, I really do wish that he could hold my hand and tell me not to be silly, he'll always be here to love me.
But, the sometimes are just my own wishful thinking.

Funny how I am typing this, tearing silently and my mother is snoring beside me. O.O
Hahaha!

Somehow, deep inside of me,
I wish all these never happened.
Yes, it makes the relationship stronger, only when both parties are willing to work it out.
I just hope that this time around, we will really be there for each other.
Making this work the second time around.

All I can do now is to pray for good times ahead.
I will disappearing for awhile now to recollect my thoughts.

I just hope you will be there, my love.

tired

i finally know why people get depressed.
the mind and the people around them are oblivious to it.
i don't know what to do anymore.

actually, i have been thinking.
it doesn't really matter if i die young.
i won't regret it.
i am not suicidal or anything.
i just can't seem to see my future ahead.

is there someone here for me?

i don't know if i can carry on anymore.

you might think i'm stupid blah blah blah.
maybe i really am.
i am at my wits end.
i don't even know myself anymore.

goodbye.

Of swollen eyes and shrinking hearts.

Today I spent my time with Joey, Jean and T.Didi. Lol.
It was fun! I laughed so much that I think my stomach shrank! Awesome~
Heard a lot of issues, I hope it this will enlighten the seniors and make them solve the problem instead of just listening and not taking action.
Really glad that some of them are serious about this!

Next...

I don't know to laugh or to cry. I'm happy yet hurt by the action.
Just makes me wonder, is my existence on earth worth anything at all?
I was bawling my eyes out in the shower just now, I kept questioning myself.
Why are my opportunites always taken away? Why do people take me for granted?
Is my existence on earth making an impact on people at all?
I just feel so invisible.
I can only talk to myself here, since no one reads! LOL.
I am a nobody...
In fact, I don't feel like existing here anymore.

Everyday my heart grows smaller and smaller,
everyday someone breaks my trust and moves on with their lives,
leaving me stuck behind.
Everyday, i only tell myself to love myself.
I am fucking sick of getting hurt.
Why is God doing this to me????????????

I can only remain true, trusting everyone all the time.
Too easily.
I am always like that.

And... what do I get?

HURT.

(i am not talking about my boyfriend.)
(just to clarify.)
sighs.

Thanks JJ for your words and somehow you're always around to listen to me rant, Joey for your Beard Papa & NicoleClaire for the MAC Eyeliner and Star studds from BKK! :)

MJ Dance Tribut & Timbre: Substation

Just got back from dinner with my girls at Timbre: Substation. Frankie came and join us to meet Joyce, his baby! :D
Food was good, beer was not awesome. HAHAHAHA!

I really like the Duck Pizza! It tastes really fragrant and just like what you get from roasted duck stores, just in a pizza form!
Yum yum.

Oh! The seafood pizza was great too. Mussels, prawns and squid! My favourite three. (Okay dear Oyster, I will not forget you!!!!)

Had Erdinger White Beer, frankly I'm not a beer person. Just to go along with the crowd, I shared a pint with Bei.
It's awful! I hate the bitter taste, it makes me contort my face in the weirdest ways.
I realised I have a habit of putting my food/drinks in my mouth first to fully taste the thing that I am eating.
Thus, making beer drinking an awful experience.
However, this beer is defi nitely one of the better ones I have tasted, the more I drink it, the better it tastes! So it's alright after awhile. :D
The funny thing was, it got us really red, like a lobster and some what high and ticklish.
We just kept laughing alot, if I'm not wrong.

Joey was the reddest!!!! I can see her redness in the dark. Imagine how red she will look under light! Joyce didn't drink much at all, her sips amount to 1/4 of a cup. LOL.
Serene and Bei are the weird drinkers, they got weird.
Meichin the alcoholic seemed to have held her liquor well! :)

It's really fun hanging out with them, would love to do this more often soon!
Next up is Holland Village if I'm not wrong! :)




By the way for all Michael fans out there, I received this message on Facebook!
A MJ tribute flashmob! How cool eh! Read, learn, dance and join the fun!
More details will be up soon! :)

---------------Message (from Flashmob Vivocity)-------------
1) Michael Jackson Dance Tribute30th July 2009 (Thurs),6.45pm to 7pm, GV

Note: You DO NOT need to have any dance experience. You just need to know how to have fun!

Similar to:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVJVRywgmYM

Actual Dance Segment to Practise (4th minute to 4 minutes 20 seconds)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WObfcDIf6lY

Reward: 1 GV movie ticket per participant

Rehearsal: There will be a dance rehearsal for those who are interested; it should be on a Tues or Wed night, but venue and timing is pending. A facebook group invite (with full details) will be sent out on Monday night. So for those whose friends are interested too, keep a lookout!2)

Mission:Singapore Flash Mob (The Longest Queue)15 August 2009, 2:30pm - 4:30pm
Join the facebook group "Mission: Singapore (M:SG)" for more details!

----------------------END OF MESSAGE------------------------
I'm so going for this event! Anyone with me? :D

Soul Mate

Today during Cellgroup, Kenny asked us to write down who we think of as a bestfriend.
I thought for a moment, yet I could not pen down any name.
Yes, I did think of many people, all of whom I considered as my bestfriend.
However, it just isn't the same.
Soulmate where are you?
The person that I thought was once my soulmate, turned out to be a fraud.
Hmmm.
I need an answer.

Rahhhhhhhhhhh.

I hate it when people run away from me.
Makes me wanna do the same to them too.
Especially so when they hide and know that you're still here.
They just wanna get away from you without facing it.
I'm so freaking tired of this.
So next time when I run and hide from you, you can't blame me.
Cos' you're doing the same to me too.


When you tell me you're happier spending time with other people, it makes me not want to carry on anymore.

Relax, Choya!

Hello People~

I'm finally having some free time to do some blog update! Okay, I kinda completed my Sales Management Project. Stressing I tell you! It's terribly horrible, the past few days that I have been rushing for the project. I think only those people in marketing can understand this tormented process! Hahaha~

Anyway, I'm here to advertise that our Lorencia & Chong has set up a new store! It's fun, quirky, unique and colourful! HappyBurgers is set up over dinner at Aston's one night by the two lovable people and they are set to bring in not just apparels but knick knacks from all over! Please support them! Their stuffs are selling fast! I already missed out on the Black Kimono Top which I really really love! Collection 2 will be coming out soon y'all! Show some love and support!

Okay, I seriously need to do some shopping now. I am contemplating whether I should purchase Creative Recreation shoes from Karmaloop or save it for a Bangkok Trip! What do you guys suggest? I want them both, but you know in life you make choices! Alot of stuff that I need to get now:

• Perfume


• BB Cream


• Slippers


• HOLIDAY


• SHOPPING

Hahaha! All material goods! heh, but shopping makes us happy yeah!

Oh by the way, my back's half a goner. Seems like my old problem is back again and I need time to recuperate. Hmmm. What a time!

Things to do on a weekend so busy.

- Complete Sales Management Project
- Complete D.I.C Assignment 2
- See Doctor for back & skin
- Visit to Kinokuniya
- Have a nice dinner
- Go for Cellgroup
- Go to Church
- Dance ministry training
- WATCH HARRY POTTER! (anyone wanna go?)

Facts about Sam (whoisgonnakillherselfifshedoesnotgooutandhavefunnow)

I haven't left my laptop/house in 48 hours.
I have been living on a do project, eat, sleep basis for 2 days.
I have yet to take a shower for 12 hours.
I did not have any fun since Wednesday.

I am going crazy in 9825973702137070370270 MILLISECOND.

SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life

I find myself struggling to sleep every night.
Whatever position that I sleep it, it is just so darn uncomfortable that I will toss and turn for hours before falling asleep on my bed.
During that unfortunate time, I will be thinking about Life.
Dance, Relationships, Religion, Money, School, Health.
Everything just seems to flood my mind within that time span.

It's difficult now.
Everything seems so different.
When I look back and see, I find myself being happy most of the time during the early stages of Poly life.
I'm not saying I ain't happy now, it's just that things change.
I don't quite understand this part, is it cos I was just plainly following my ambitions?
Simple-minded, living the life that I never experienced?
Just plainly naive and enjoying every single moment of it?
Hmmm. I don't quite know the answer.

I'm struggling with the fact that,for how long my body will be able to sustain me if I were to pursue a dance career.
Can I make it?
Will I be able to afford risking everything for it?
Can I support my family?

Then it draws down to the relationships that I have.
Am I a good friend?
Am I loving my boyfriend right? Am I not treating him well enough?
Am I a bad daughter?

Next I would start thinking about my religion.
Why am I always backsliding?
Why am I not able to discipline myself?
Am I suitable to be a Christian?

In fact, I ask myself a million questions before I sleep and somehow my dreams seem to pass me fast.

Can someone give me an answer?
I wish I can have all these routes, which I can't see, drawn out on paper.
Telling me, what I can do, the options in my life when one fails.
I have been prcrastinating time and again to answer everything in my heart.
So afraid to face it.
It is like a permanent fear, haunting me like a ghost.

How much time do I have left?
I just need motivation right now, the gung-ho spirit of "Just whack la!".
It's impossible though.
This is LIFE I am talking about.
Not just some performance on stage, that I can full out 100% and rest later on.
I can't full out in Life, even if I could, how long will it last?

I just need more time to sort out my thoughts, feelings and make a decision.
I just hope my 'easily bored' character wouldn't turn appear.
If not this thing will just keep dragging on and on and on and on.
Yeah, like how can a person be easily bored right?!?!
But, I am such a person.
I get tired of things easily, that's why I always wanna do something, be on the go.
If not I will feel, stagnant, useless or like I am wasting precious time.
So please understand this if I am in any kind of relationship with you (eg. Friends, Boyfriend, Family).

I think this time, it's really changing.
All my decisions now will affect what I am going to do thereafter.
So please God, let me make the right decisions.
All these things, are so darn important to me.

Soul Searching

losing herself in this rapture.
every move she makes,
every step she takes,
its a dance of danger.

I just deleted the entire entry that I wrote.
It's way too depressing right now.
I think I'd like to take a break from all these.
I can't and I won't understand.
Cos I ain't you and I don't know what I am to you.

I feel pretty helpless right now.
It's just a phase.
I'm saying goodbye to now,
I'm sorry.

p.s i think you guys probably wouldn't understand what I'm blabbering about. haha!

Bittersweet Faith by Bitter:Sweet



No regrets
Everything will work out fine
We'll hold our breath
Wait for another sign
I've tastedYour bittersweet faith
My heart aches for you
I'm taking
A moment to say

Everything I do
I do for you
I do it all for you

Lay your sweet
Tears across my broken dream
Don't you speak
A word about the past
You'll need more than I'll ever give
I can't lie to you
I love you
My angel, my sin

Everything I do
I do for you
I do it all for you
Anything, anything for you

Are we're moving in the right direction
What is fate if fate's immersed in shame
A high price for the beauty of perfection
I go when all I want to do is stay

I do for you
I do it all for you
Anything, I do it all for you
Anything for you

CAW CAW CAW! Crows are flying past this barren land.

Too many things happened recently till I lost track of days, time and even the month.

Yeah, Jim Beam Dance Competition is over! I am so glad actually! Can relax and chill now, my entire body was screaming "GIVE ME A BREAK!" on the finals, had bad cramps after that before my 'late' period came. Muahahaha~

Now I am in the misdt of a project rush hour! Three assignments due next week! How am I gonna survive? Plus plus plus, I want to improve in dance again! Just feel like I lost everything that I had acquire during the past weeks. Hmmm... Must make time, die die must make time!

Ugh. Haven't been sleeping well recently, PMS + cramps = Insomnia.

Okay, I shall update some pictures over the weekend, I am having a major laziness syndrome. Someone get me outta it!



i don't know if you people can comprehend,
when you love someone,
you just wanna be with that person 24/7.

tht's the way love goes.


so kiss me and smile for me
tell me that you'll wait for me
hold me like you'll never let me go
cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
dont know when I'll be back again
oh babe, I hate to go.

pissed

You are at the centre of a controversy in your family today. Normally you avoid being the centre of attention, but here you may have no choice. You don't have to live up to other people's demands and expectations. Being true to your right path is the only choice, and only you can decide what is right now.

So effing true.

I seriously can't stand you. What mother hurts her child verbally and physically. You always think that I am trying to give you more problems, but seriously, you are the one.

Effing think too much, do you think I have so much time to think of ways to cause you trouble?

IDIOT.

Every time during this month, I ask myself, have I ever loved you?
I think the answer is still negative.

How can I love someone I harbour so much hate.

Fuck.

I don't understand why you always do this to ruin my life, I really wanna grow up fast and leave sooner because of you.

I don't want you in my life, no matter how much I need you. I don't think I deserve this, fucking me up out of the blue when I did no wrong. Seriously, I just want some peace and quiet, but you always have to ruin it.

I hate you, every time I try, you just have to spoil it.
This time around, I am not gonna try anymore.

butired (busy + tired)

Hello World!

Sorry for being away for so long, I have been pretty busy with Jim Beam Dance Competition, IJ Submissions and Projects! So much so that I have been suffering from fatigue and lack of sleep. The rest day I had on Monday was amazing, I slept, wake up do Ij, sleep, do IJ, sleep, eat and then sleep again. The best day of the week so far.

Anyhoo, congrats to The Epic Crew for being Champions this year, I am really happy for them!!! Even though I feel a little bitter for not winning anything, because of all the hardwork we put into, but I am so glad at least TPDE won something! Really proud of them, now we can show others what we can really do! Especially to all those doubters!

After the event, we stayed and clubbed for a bit, saw many interesting stuffs. Guys in cropped tops and tight fit pants doing their thing, a couple that SHOWED too much and TOUCHED too much and the best of the best would be seeing Xuehui and gang high! LOL. It was hilarious, like suddenly they feel so carefree, like a bird stuck in its cage for too long, suddenly tasting freedom. Funny man! Cannot imagine if Gin was there, ohmygoodness, HAVOC? Wish i could video it down, but I was too busy laughing!

Don't know why I feel damn lousy now, I wonder if all this is adding up to the fact that my period is 2 days late. I just feel like shit and not good enough for anything right now. I wonder when will be my time, all these times of hardwork and sweat is just not enough. I know I have to get over this obstacle again, but after not meeting my expectations time and again, I really question myself, am I good enough? I feel lousy and just bad, I don't know if I can make it as a dancer next time. I know I will be able to pick myself up, but when the next time comes again, I will just be stuck in a rut like this time.

God give me an opportunity.