Life

I find myself struggling to sleep every night.
Whatever position that I sleep it, it is just so darn uncomfortable that I will toss and turn for hours before falling asleep on my bed.
During that unfortunate time, I will be thinking about Life.
Dance, Relationships, Religion, Money, School, Health.
Everything just seems to flood my mind within that time span.

It's difficult now.
Everything seems so different.
When I look back and see, I find myself being happy most of the time during the early stages of Poly life.
I'm not saying I ain't happy now, it's just that things change.
I don't quite understand this part, is it cos I was just plainly following my ambitions?
Simple-minded, living the life that I never experienced?
Just plainly naive and enjoying every single moment of it?
Hmmm. I don't quite know the answer.

I'm struggling with the fact that,for how long my body will be able to sustain me if I were to pursue a dance career.
Can I make it?
Will I be able to afford risking everything for it?
Can I support my family?

Then it draws down to the relationships that I have.
Am I a good friend?
Am I loving my boyfriend right? Am I not treating him well enough?
Am I a bad daughter?

Next I would start thinking about my religion.
Why am I always backsliding?
Why am I not able to discipline myself?
Am I suitable to be a Christian?

In fact, I ask myself a million questions before I sleep and somehow my dreams seem to pass me fast.

Can someone give me an answer?
I wish I can have all these routes, which I can't see, drawn out on paper.
Telling me, what I can do, the options in my life when one fails.
I have been prcrastinating time and again to answer everything in my heart.
So afraid to face it.
It is like a permanent fear, haunting me like a ghost.

How much time do I have left?
I just need motivation right now, the gung-ho spirit of "Just whack la!".
It's impossible though.
This is LIFE I am talking about.
Not just some performance on stage, that I can full out 100% and rest later on.
I can't full out in Life, even if I could, how long will it last?

I just need more time to sort out my thoughts, feelings and make a decision.
I just hope my 'easily bored' character wouldn't turn appear.
If not this thing will just keep dragging on and on and on and on.
Yeah, like how can a person be easily bored right?!?!
But, I am such a person.
I get tired of things easily, that's why I always wanna do something, be on the go.
If not I will feel, stagnant, useless or like I am wasting precious time.
So please understand this if I am in any kind of relationship with you (eg. Friends, Boyfriend, Family).

I think this time, it's really changing.
All my decisions now will affect what I am going to do thereafter.
So please God, let me make the right decisions.
All these things, are so darn important to me.