Gone

i'm very lost.
everything's just going away from me, every single thing.
either stolen or snatched away.

i seriously think my parents made a mistake by having me.
my existence is not needed.
i can't bring them or anyone happiness.

and somehow my greatest saviour is only Him,
whom i can't seem to cry out to.

should i go away for long?
somehow i wish someone would just ask me to take a long trip away with him/her.
perhaps then i will learn to cherish my existence in my hometown.

i don't like being sensitive,
but is it a crime to be?
i was constantly a listening ear to your sorrows.
i just wished you could be mine too.

anyway, i don't think i can go to the graduation trip to phuket.
parents say:
-its expensive
-not worth it
-monsoon season (tsunami alert!!!)
-blah blah blah

If no one wants to go, shall i embark on a solo trip?
Taiwan, Japan, Korea or Hongkong?

sigh.
if only you could be here right now.

love love love

I am confused...








What is love?
So many different kinds revolve around.
I just know that it has a direct link to happiness.

Samansarii wants to try living on her own.
Tee hee.
I bet I will be homesick and all, but I want to experience something that I cannot forget,
plus it will bring about many life lessons.

Oh well, I'll probably think about it after I get the job! :)

Supper with the quads were awesome!
Dim sums, trannies, cars and joyrides. :D

Biggest audition in my life tomorrow.
Really hope that I will be able to do my best.
That's the most that I can do, the rest is all up to fate/destiny,
whatever God has planned for me. :)

I can't believe I overlept for cellgroup.
Must be thr cramps,
which made me feel like puking.
I hope I will lose weight massively.
Hahahahah~

Okay, I miss my Baby very much...
We haven't kissed for so long loh!!!!
LOL.
bye.

Acceptance of a 20 year old.

Some things in life I just have to accept.
I have to accept that I am not pretty and I am fat.
That's why I will not be able to get commercial dance jobs blah blah shit.

I have to accept that I am not a good dancer.
I have neither talnt or skill,
that's why I have to keep working harder than everyone else.

I have to accept that I lost touch with my secondary school friends.
I know it is impossible to go back into the circle again, when they don't even bother to invite you,
but that is how they choose this friendship to be,
and I can't do anything about it.

I have to accept that certain friends should be kept,
and not all.
if I keep giving my all to all of my friends.
I will be drained like a dried fish.

I have to accept that my family is broke,
and I have to work doubly hard for expenses and to support this family.

I have to accept that I am getting old,
and I will be soon plagued with countless illnesses,
so I gotta keep my health in shape.

I have to accept that I am backsliding,
and God is angry with me, no matter how many times a day I pray,
cos I haven't been going to Church or Cellgroup.

I have to accept this depression inside of me,
and see a psychiatrist soon.

Oh I'm 20...

Boo boo boo booring.
I think I'm starting to not like birthdays, somehow it's shgeiufheifhiheifheh.
Yeah. Lol.

Oh well need to get new Lingerie soon.

Just told my Mum to not get me a cake.
Waste money.
Unnecessary.
Although I love cheesecakes/strawberry-ish cakes, but yeah...
I rather they save it for something else.

Kinda expect it'll be an unhappening day! Cos of all the COL/CNY ding dong!

Clubbing later with the girls!! :)

Feel like flying overseas alone for a day. BKK?
Oh well...

See you later, aligator!

Turning 20 in 3 days.

Can't believe I am hitting the big 2 soon,
in fact every time I think of it, I feel damn grateful to my parents.
Raising me for 20 years is definitely not easy,
I am such a difficut child, must be hard on them.

Haha!

Mum, Dad, I thank you guys from the bottom of my heart and I love you to bits!!!!!!!!!!

I am in a dilemna...

I want to Dance, but I need Money.
Dance = Money.
Why?
Classes, travelling expenses, food, drinks etc etc etc.
The mountain just builds on a single thing called MONEY.

Selfish as I may be,
I want a lot of things despite being contented.
When you have this, you desire other things that you have yet to get.
Then, jealousy, hurt, anger starts forming under the branch of greed.
It is a vicious cycle that I am still trying to get rid of.
All these worldly things, are just superficial, materialistic and replaceable.


Somehow I don't feel all psyched up for my 20th birthday.
I wonder is it because I feel old? LOL.
Or is it due to the pile of work that I have had on hand for sooooo long. (Thanks tutors/lecturers!)

Maybe cos' I just am not expecting anything.
I don't wanna expect, cos I always get disappointed. :)
Like expect my Dad to buy me an iPhone 3GS (HAHA!) or Kaiwen to give me a diamond ring (totally cannot imagine.).

Okay, I bet some people like... lol, will think that I am ridiculous and stupid and will start scolding me.
Can't a girl dream?
Sometimes I really like it when I am sleeping, at least all those things give me an opportunity to wake up from. :)

I just what a girl wants is for someone to be supportive of her.
Someone that says 'I'll make you happy, your entire life.'.
A man that sheds his tear, lets down his guard and get rids of his ego for her.
:)

I JUST WANT TO LIVE A HAPPY LIFE!
okay i gotta get on with reality now.
sorry for all these fragmented posts.
just writing whatever that comes to my mind.

how deep is your love?

some people lead happy lives.
some people are enclosed with sadness.

some people are ignorant.
some people care too much.

some people love.
some people hate.

some people are It.
some people have fallen to success.

this world is made of many things,
many different people,
many different thoughts.

there can never be on standard fixture in life.
always a mixture,
a blend,
a concoction.

i am happy,
then i am sad.
with reasons of cause, why would i make myself unnecessarily down?

the only reason why i am stuck in this rut now,
is cos i have yet to come to terms with it.
it is painful and hurting,
it takes time for it to go away.
and with that, i can't rush it.
i need to embrace it.
and keep moving forward.

every time i feel that i have fallen to the depths of hell,
some people unknowingly pull me back up again.

groupmates,
lermeiqi,
joyce,
JJ... :D
thanks so much.

ohajshfahofhsjxcnkj

In a day, we have 24 hours,
in 24 hours, we have 1440 mins,
in 1440 mins, we have 86400 seconds.

If you cannot even take a few seconds off your day to tell someone who has been waiting for you that you care about that person, you don't deserve the other party's care and concern at all.

What person makes someone wait for more than a day?
Rarely says 'I Love You',
Doesn't even try to save you when you tried asking for help?

Think about it, before you start getting angry.
Ask yourself if this is you.
Ask if you ever treated someone better.
Made the effort, despite how little time you have on your hands.
Don't just think in your context, but other party's too.


i am outcasted, forgotten,
as always.
but i will not back down,
i love certain people who truly bothered to text me to see if I am okay.
thanks, i really appreciate this.

what is a friendship/relationship/whatevership worth fighting for when you go the extra mile for someone and that person can't even be bothered about you?

time isn't something that can be bought.
and because of it, i lost some things really precious.

you can't even spare 5 mins a day for me...

this is a very fragmented post, i don't even know what i am talking about anymore. lol.


bedok market's hongkong strawberry shaved ice.
intralase lasik.
broadway dance centre - 1 year programme.
new black high cut/boots Nike.
yakuniki daidomon.
timbre.
aussie trip.
solo trip to NYC.
phuket/krabi/bali holiday.
stay in a boutique hotel.
a new cross pendant
iphone 3Gs/4G.
blackberry bold 2.
university admission - communication and media.
manual driving license.
master Japanese.
48kg.
dance opportunities - show, competitions, TVC etc.
more money.
cabin crew.