wait for it

i have always been waiting,
waiting,
waiting,
waiting,
i just wanted you to fill all of me.
i just wanted you to woo me.
i guess this is every girl's desire,
to be wooed by the person they love,
and not the other way round.

somehow the past 2.5 years seem like a lie...
but i know what i felt,
what i've really loved,
was from my heart.
i don't just want you,
i want US.

and now,
i am stuck waiting again.
always waiting.
are you worth the wait?
i don't know,
but i remembered the man i was once in love with.
he definitely was worth everything.
i remembered the relationship we had,
it was worth my entire life.

i just wanna love again.
not with anybody,
but a special someone.

love lockdown

look,
i'm just gonna
forget
about this entire situation.

it pained the hell out of me
and i thought you deserved it too
but
it ends here.

your mind is a battlefield

so life has left me at crossroads again.
there's this constant war in my head which ceases to end.
i'm going back-forth in doing what's right and doing what i desire.
i battle against being happy by indulging in the wrong things and seeking God.
i war against my past memories and love.

seriously, i would rather wipe out everything in my head.
i would rather forget everything, everyone and start afresh.
perhaps i am just being selfish,
finding a route of escape,
but life holds no meaning for me anymore.
giving up is an option,
fighting back is also a choice.
clearly, as an SOT student, i should brave the odds and continue pushing on in life cos God's with me.
yes, that is the right thing i should do.
but hey God, i'm tired, is it ok if i take a break?
when i'm ready, when i'm done recuperating,
i want to say "I give You all of me.".
and when i say that, i won't look back with regrets,
i won't look back on my Egypt,
i want to look forward to the Promised Land.
during this time, i just want to prepare my heart for that day.

i just want to sincerely apologize to everyone that i have let down.
Gin,
Kenny,
Aaron,
Carol,
Team 6.
I plead for your forgiveness.
Sorry for disappointing you after six months and yet it seems i am unable to crucify my old man. Thank you for not giving up on me, i don't wanna let y'all down so i am still trying.
most importantly, i don't wanna let myself and God down.


that said, i hope my face cures soon...