my darlings

I don't understand myself, or the reason why I exist
is my life on earth filled with unexpected obstacles?
or is it just a meaningless one.
though I have decided to devote all my school time to studying
who am I to complain that I feel left out?
who am I to know about all their matters
when all I see is the content from the textbooks
who am I to feel that whatever they said was too hurtful?
whatever they did pains me?

I tried to hide, to cover up my emotions.
I put up a strong front
because of the hurtful experience I had before
instead, everytime when I reach home,
I question myself is it worth the pain within?
I longed to selfishly say whatever is on my mind,
but I know I can never do that,
as I would rather get hurt than them getting hurt.
people are dubious creatures.
they mock people of backstabbing and gossiping behind their backs
when they themselves also practise the same act.
I bet never in the lives did they ever notice this.

after the danceNow competition the week before Last Saturday,
I finally broke down
I knew the day was coming
the day before the competition, I wanted to do it already
I am tired, stressed and under pressure.
I am glad that it's finally over now.

but why am I still not happy?

I hardly saw or talked to my Dad for two weeks.
he seems to be drifting away.
I know he is busy with his outside matters,
I know he is tired and does not have the time and energy to think of other things
that is what that pains me the most
exerting himself to the limits.
seems to me that I have gained a chauffeur and lost a Dad.
how sad and pathetic can that be..

I really admire Jas and Jenna to be on such good terms with their mothers
I know that can never happen to me
not in a life time.
my mother is like a hurricane
winding up rooted trees and houses
creating a storm
ceasing to rest,
always whirling, swirling, taking everything along with her..
jumping into conclusions are one of her traits
how wonderful can my life be?
I always long to have a heart to heart talk with my mother
but seems to me, it will most probably end up in an argument
not us acting like two bestfriends on the bed
giggling nonsensically about random stuffs.

I wish I could change my life.
how can you inspire me?

it's been two years
and I am certain
what ever I am feeling now
can never be transmitted to you
a barrier has formed
it's too late for me to spill
no worries
because while I reminisce about the past
I will always remember you

OMG! FLOORSKILLS WAS THE BOMB!
the koreans and the thais were awesome
DASH is so cute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and so is that two korean guys who did the 3rd/4th position tag
they are like so HOT
ahhhhhhhhhhhh
i'm going crazy!
lol
nite all

i wish i could not care about them
i wish that time can backtrack past
i wish the world's not such a horrible place
but my wishes can never come true.

i do not know how to explain this
but why do people pass on?
i wish i could help suz ease her sadness
but it is difficult
i believe she is a strong girl
and she'll be able to cope with this
hopefully.

after the visitng the casket
that night i couldn't sleep
i told pap that i would sleep early
i ended up sleeping at 2am in the morning
i reckoned i heard something
it was like this faint handphone ring tone
it was loud at first
then it got softer
but i know it wasn't anyone in my family's phone
creepy i thought
then i thought of suz
tears
lying in bed eyes wide open
i just couldn't sleep

i am scared
i don't want anything like this to happen to daddy
or mummy
or that lil brat at home
i got so scared that i stolen his packet of cigs
it's lying in my drawer now
what should i do?
discard it?
tell me.
what should i do?