sometimes i sit and think to myself
i am so sick of smiling every single day
so sick of pretending
feeling nauseous because of the pretence
why can't i just frown or whine?
why can't i pout my lips and get what i want?
why can't i just revert back to the gloomy me,
where i feel that i am me?
i cannot because i will feel that this whole world is against me
i cannot because i do not have the ability to convince
i cannot because i am too tired of trying
but how contended will i be if i gave them all up?

sometimes i feel really left out
probably its because i do not really share what's inside my heart
i really wished that when technology blooms
there will be this device
whereby we can read each other's thoughts
wouldn't it be much easier for all of us?
there will not be any hassel of worrying about the other party's feelings
and probably i wouldn't feel so selfish as to demand something
but what i really want are things really simple

i longed for my mother to cuddle me
i have always wished my father could gently ask me "What's wrong?"
i desire for my friends attention

aren't i selfish to think that way?
i can't help it.
i am just a human being afterall.
is it too greedy to ask for love?
i never felt i was loved before
ever since my parents labelled me as "Independent".
i still use it now,
as an excuse to convince myself that it is alright to be alone.
everytime i put that smile back on my face
i would tell myself: Today will be a better day
i don't want to stop smiling
because if i do,
i will never know when i'll start smiling again.

picture this
i am on an internet hunt for japanese videos on YouTube
then a Jdrama caught my eye
title "A litre of Tears"
as expected its a tearjerker with many heartbreaking scenes
an hour later
i am sitting in front of my computer crying my eyes out
this drama is really heartbreaking
it is about this 15 year old girl who has Spinocerebellar Degeneration
which means her brain is constantly deteororiating
to a point where she becomes bedridden
but the cruelity of this disease is that only the physical aspects of the body are affected
her mind is still working and aware of her surroundings
i find Aya's, the female lead, will to live very touching
even though she knows of her disease,
her only desire is to live life to the fullest
i wonder if i was in her shoes,
will i be this strong to accept the truth?
can i live life happily,
and not loathe the hard passage of life that i have to walk through?
will i be able to move on,
or sit in a corner, looking dejected
giving up my hope on life?
i guess one would not know what their reaction might be unless they are in that position
i really admire people with strong character
i look up to them as inspirations of hope
generators of joy
to be able to fuifill a simple but difficult desire
is the most precious of all
oh by the way, the above is a true story.

went for a W.K.M introductory dance class today
by the way it stands for wacking, krumping and milking
taught by Gin
she's super hot
learnt tonnes of stuff
and literally sweat my ass out
i wanna dance more
and more
and MORE!
can't wait for ryan's lesson on monday
i hope the juniors whom we coached will do well
please guys..
for the sake of Dance
and for the sake of everybody we had brought the Dance reputation up
do your best
i hope ryan will not lecture us and waste his time again
i really hope we could learn new choreography
however, who can relate to my desire for new dance steps?
they who appear committed
but are not
they who appear to try
gives up half way
they who appear to love dance
are just liars in the making
for heaven's sake eliminate those errors
and love dance for passion.

happy st valentine's everyone!
man this would be the best valentine's day i ever had
recieved tonnes of sweet little somethings from not only my cloest buddies L6, Jas, Jac and Tsy
but from nicolette, rachel, becca, sexy monkey, yingtong, siti etc.
surprisingly yengjie and sinteck also gave all the girls in class a stalk of rose, ferero roche and a little note!
prem also gave tsy,zhen,suz and i a bouquet of 5 roses, which means "I Love You... Like real."
LOL
and best of all Saran, Shafiq and i don't know who else treated the class to pizza!
i love them man!
i love 4e2 for life!
you guys rock!!!!

jas, have fun with you-know-who.
LOL

i forgot to add in this in yesterday's post
i hate myself
no wait. i hate that sick old man more.
he's such a perverse ass. i can't believe there's actually such a person left in this world
ok the story goes like this
i was at Popular - Kovan's Branch
and was reading at the fiction segment
then this little girl and her father came
her father was pointing to these row of books directly behind me
and she squat down to read them
i was thinking man.. this little girl is so cute and continued doing my stuff
i took a few steps back thinking that there isn't anyone behind me
to my surprise i saw the father kneeling down too
i was wearing a skirt mind you
and that father had a handphone in his hand
when i saw it
he was anxiously trying to hide it away from me
i was shocked
i didn't know what to do
i felt violated and stupid
i don't like sick old men, they are sick in the head
if he really wants to know my underwear colour can't he just ask me?
or like go strip his wife or something.
what is the society becoming to?
good grace.

i think i am suffering from constipation
i can't freaking pass out all that rubbish that's in me.
oh well the food i ate today were too good to be passed out
i need vitagen
BAD

babes, don't give up.
it's only an audition.
you're young, you still have tonnes of years to get to your passion
i'll be supporting you as always
love ya loads!

i can't believe i'm already 16
16 years of life just passed
man.. time flies quickly.
had homecoming concert today
energy was awesome for the last song
celebrated my birthday yesterday with them*
fun. had indian cusine
Xsquared, bowled and arcade-d the rest of the time away
i'm tired.
nights

do you know your a sin to me?
stealing my heart like nobodies business
isolating it in the end
so is this goodbye?
or is this the beginning?
perhaps we never even started our "friendship" at all
it's too late
time passed us while we were just staring ahead.
it's gone
forever lost