Wednesday, March 10, 2004

so sorry... it's no ones fault... it's really mine.... mayb i too sensitive? haix... but i really cannot stand it le... everywhere i go ppl say i'm fat... in school, outside, fren's hse and even at home.... my brain wanna explode le... somemore i hav to pass my english by hook or by crook, i cannot afford to fail.... char today scold me, say y i neva go ballet when i'm not doin anythin in class, i'm scared to tell every1 this... ur think i'm a good dancer, i'm not... i feel so inferior in that class, all those SCGA gals hover above my head, i dun even dare to do the steps confidently, some of them discriminate me n my other fren, i dun feel welcomed, i feel scared to go into the dance room, cos i knw, i can neva be their match.... I've changed le, i hate my new self u knw? Sometimes i wish i could turn back time, where i used to hav lots of fun and studyin was my priority... But i can't seem to... I guess keep quiet is the best thing, i'll jus sit there and not do anythin.... So sorry char, tmr is ur bday and yet got so many misunderstandings... *1000000 apologies* I tried gorgin food which i had eaten durin dinner, i hate the feelin... but this is the only way to prove tt i'm not fat? Why every1 is so slim n i'm built this way, i dun wan to hav muscles.... I jus wanna b all skins n bones... but is it of use? I'm fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat... Everyone says that... It's not that i want to b fat also mah, god made me this way... Stop sayin le... pls i beg u all..... At home my parents, aunties, uncles n cousins keep sayin le, plus my ballet teacher also.... I knw i'm fat, i dun look like a dancer, i dun look like a runner... I'm jus no go0d in anythin alrite? Freak... I'm tryin my best... But it's not enough... Everyday, i find it a chore to smile n go crazy... I'm jus actin, I'm not happy with myself, I'm not happy with everythin... Y r my expectations so high... Why??? Why are my parents expecting so much of me?? WHY??!?! I dun wan to make them unhappy le, I tried my best to make them happy, when I'm not even happy... I really tried le... I try my best to make my frens happy too... I did try.... So sorry, i still make them sad... I knw after this incident, we will not b as close le, c0s it's my freakin problem... Born with weak heart... Wat to do? I h0pe i can repay for wateva i had stupidly done back to my frens... I really feel like slappin myself rite n0w... Cos i dunno wat the hell i'm talkin... haix... ballet or netball......................... - sad -

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