It is funny how before school ends we will be like
"We gotta keep in touch.", "I'll so miss you!"
And when reality finally kicks in after the O levels, everyone is easily forgotten.
I mean, yeah I am still close with Jasmine.
And... Sad to say, that is about it.
I am not very close with my classmates, even the close ones have started to drift away.
(Well, Suzanne is exceptional, she is in Hong Kong/Japan having a good time, when I am moping about her leaving.)
I do not know what Zhen Hui and Su Yin are up to, working? Probably. Busy? Definitely.
The rest of the gang, Ben, Amanda, Charlene and Lydia - seriously, i have no idea what they are up to.
The last I heard was Charlene dating the Horse. Lmao. Good luck to you two!
Am I the only one reminiscing about our friendship?
I hope not.
I seriously miss these guys and the thought of me acting so cooly about leaving school just makes me want to cringe further.
NOTE: GUYS IF YOU EVER STUMBLE ONTO THIS POST, WE NEED A BIG MEETUP SOON!
Ok i am starting to get really emotional. And that sucks.
Oh and of course the dancers! I LOVE YOU PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!

Some wacky photos:

Us

Ooh

Whoever said we were normal, was lying.

I told ya. We aren't normal!!

MORE TO COME! IF BLOGGER DOESN'T GO AGAINST ME THAT IS.

hey people
sorry for this very dead blog.
i have been partly lazy and yet busy.
i am currently looking for a part-time job. anyone needs extra help?
i am so available.
ugh. been sorting out my life after Os these days.
i deifinitely am not gonna sit back and laze around,
i gotta get up and work my already huge ass.
haha.
anyway dance camp was a blast.
i miss all you people, felt a little guilty for not spending more time with my team.
I am so sorry Reggae!
hopefully i will be able to make up for it in the 2007 camp!
i love my dancers and i hope we can work together once again.
remember fate amongst us, did not end there :)

woo
grad high tea was fun.
camwhore sessions, dancing on the dancefloor and of course clubbing at cocolatte!
my feet is aching really bad now. going to bed. nite!

can you satisfy me?

baby you drive me crazy.

Forever Love - X Japan

all that is in my heart is this melody.

oh sing for me-
once more.

crying again.
loud and pained.
like your heart being ripped in shreds.

was reading James Patterson's Suzanne's Diary For Nicholas
and i literally bawled my eyes out.
the same for Sam's Diary To Jennifer, by the same author.
it's heart-wrenching yet heart-warming at the same time.
somehow the people in his books tend to get over death at the end of the story.
i mean, that's great for them,
but in reality, will i ever be able to do that in matter of time?
two years, five years,
however long it takes,
will i be able to move on?

i am scared of death.
especially if it occurred to someone close to me.
i don't know how i will be able to move on
i really don't.
so i pray,
all the time,
that they come back safe and sound.
selfish?
probably.

A Poem Extracted From Suzanne's Diary To Nicholas

Who makes the treetope wave their hands?
And draws homeships from foreign lands,
And spins plain straw back into gold
And has a love too large to hold...

Who chases the rain from the sky?
And sings the moon a lullaby,
And grants the wishes from a well
And hears who songs sung from a shell...

Who has the gift of making much?
From everthing they hold or touch,
Who turns pure joy back into life?
For this I thank my son, my wife.

spinning spinning
my vision has gone hazy
this whirlpool,
this blackhole,
is sucking me in.

pictures of memories,
the shattered past,
and the short-lived present,
have come to bid goodbye.

i dance in circles
like a merry-go-round.
listening to the inaudible melody
playing inside my very own jukebox.
bass beats flow throughout my body,
feeling it, feeling this,
something so sacred and precious
that's only meant for me.

longing, longing
this desire to hold you,
is killing me.

i am a little disturbed by advancejoker's words
seriously i have no idea which part of our costume on Teacher's Dayis skanky
we wore hoodies, long pants..
HELLO?!!?
that is conservative alright!
i guess he has been living in a well.
you should go take a look at public dance performances
and you'll know the difference
his words really sent me pondering in my little word,
if that wear is not conservative enough,
i really cannot think of another costume that will beat that
seriously.
sometimes before you make a comment or say something out loud,
make sure you give your reasons on how we can improve
do not just blatantly state that "oh it's skanky"
without even giving ideas of improvements.
what more, if you can come out with an outfit more conservative than that
i'll take my hats off you.

anyway, who cares man, seems like he's the only one who said such stuff.
mad props to all who cheered and supported us that day!

my mum's mad
she thinks she's my new bodyguard.
she wants to marry me off as quickly as possible(any takers?)
she thinks i'm cold-hearted
she thinks she knows everything
but she doesn't.

i think i might go haywire.
in terms of sexuality.
i might.

i used to think that the world is crazy,
but when i reflect what i have said,
i realised the crazy one is me.

the fake smiles and superficial personalities
i write about in my diary,
depicting people who i see,
i found out i was not talking about them,
i was talking about me.

i feel happy and sad at the same time.
happy because i love my class and friends,
the laughter and joy they give me.
sad because i know when school ends that day
no one will ever bother about it anymore.

janna once told me when we were having dance
"Sam, you're so vulnerable."
deep down i was like, who are you trying to kid?
everyone thinks i am strong,
everyone thinks i am cold-hearted,
everyone thinks i am able to hold myself really well.

Calm and composed,
i may seem.
however, that is not the real me.

i have been creating a superficial image of me.
the big, bad, rebel, no-nonsense chick.
one who could take all the shit,
and kick all the guys asses like it's no biggie.

it was fun at first
then it had became lonely.
i was in this game alone,
where's the enemy?
my nemisis?
my backhand man?
my soul mate?
not there. never had anyone been there.

it is pretty amusing to see myself fall into such a pit
so what if my secrets are uncovered?
i am not going to use some lame excuse to avoid being embarrased anymore

i want to start anew
the birth of the new me.

curiosity killed the cat
as it tries to investigate the rat
oh it didn't know it'll feel like that
a slow and painful death.

just a few moment before it's death
it tried hard to call for help,
but regret came crashing instead.
"Why didn't you make a move then?"
it said.
following with "And now he's gone, it's too late.".
dwelling with the rush of thoughts.
the cat forgot it's wound and bled to death.

who will be over there?
to grab it's paw
with love and care?
to hold it tight,
and whisper "It's alright."
and to comfort it once again?

"there's no one there.."
it whimpered.
afraid of being hurt again.
the strangers rush by endlessly,
with not a familar face in sight.
tormented by reality,
it stood hiding at the corner in Heaven's land.
paradise, it was not.
and it hides like a tortoise in its shell,
never to surface again.

it's too late. things will never be the same again. what my true feelings are, i finally understand them today.

hey guys
bad news
my keyboard is deteoriorating
the number of keys still working are decreasing day by day
using an on-screen keyboard now
pathetic - i know
well i will not be talking much
my arm and fingers are aching
i reckon i will have pretty strong arms by the time my computer is repaired
ciao

collarbones are hot

disturbed
it rings in my head
the words that you said
are them meant to be hate?

haunted
the emotions from you
what were they trying to do?
to stab, to wound
or to kill?

mess
such a mess
like a tangled web
just that it isn't as fragile
just that it is made from chains

pain
what pain?
hollow is my calling,
numbness is my middle name.

insensitivity
bears its fruit on your tree
who is there to destroy it?
you?
or me?

selfishness
is perched on your window
lingering like there's no tomorrow.
hanging onto you,
clinging tightly.
adding to your sins.

what tomorrow?
there was never a tomorrow.
just like a doll,
you were taught to follow.
same old rountine,
day and night,
same old thoughts,
run through your mind.

can't stand,
i am too weak.
can't sleep,
its haunting me.
can't feel,
the numbness override.
can't hope,
the faith has disappeared.

what am i?
what am i?
what am i?
someone tell me what am i?
someone.. just save me..

I HATE YOU
YOU WHO MADE ME LIVED LIKE THIS FOR 16YEARS

man my body's aching all over
had a house/hiphop session at youthpark on friday by Ja1.
he's really good! i was so impressed.
i really like house dance, might want to try it next time in life.
oh yeah can't wait for the coming class at Serangoon CC
taught by Ja1 too!
props to Korea-Singapore Dance Project for planning this!

oh yeah, where the hell did my tagboard go to?! :(

last day online
end of my CYBERFREAK escapade
i will miss going online. that i definitely know.
my online tv, youtube.
and of course countless free manga downloads available online.
sad i know.

oh yeah props to paul twohill and jonathan leong for tonight's S.I performance.
they did great :)

oh hi
dance with randolf winston today was great!
my tighs and butt are aching like crazy
i wish shane sparks would come here though
it will be a dream come true if he ever did fly to Singapore to teach people like me hiphop
oh well i'll settle for randolf for now.
amazing people
extraodinary beings
randolf and derek that is

oh i have decided for the whole of June
I, Samantha Lee will not step into the cyberworld
time to prioritise!
so PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO BOTHERS TO READ MY BLOG
contact me by my mobile.

my legs are giving way for the MT Olevel
goodness and i am like so WELL-PREPPED for it
god bless samantha.
thank you! (if you did that is)

i have a stomache
it is a really bad one
but it does not want to be defaecated
what can i do?
help?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what a bummer
the exams are here and i am mugging like crazy
well, i am partly at fault for not doing revision beforehand
but today's biology paper was a killer!
oh my gosh mr rashidin!! why are you killing us!?
what makes it even more dreadful is that i am having the time of the month
after so long i finally experience the pain of cramps again
horrifying indeed.

i do not know what to believe anymore
who to trust
where to head
seriously, i do not know the meaning of existence anymore
is it possible to relive the good old memories?
no
people change
and so do i
perhaps i am more suitable to be alone.
i bet you think so
i bet you think i am annyoying
full of shit
such a self-centered bitch, slut,whore
whatever rubbish things you can say about girls
you relate them to me.
perhaps i am
but have you ever thought how i feel?
no
you only live in your small little world
that is what i dislike about humans
they tend to forget the soon-to-be-invisible support next to them
all hail new pillars for them to depend on

i always thought this world is beautiful
until my third eye opened
and i saw the realities of life
humans are scarred with errs
world filled with disasters, attacks etc.
i do not want to be like them
i want to fight it
hah.
too bad for you, who thinks i will fall

my mother reckons i need to buy a T-shirt that states
I AM HAVING MY PERIOD
what a clever idea

the promise

i have no idea whether i should be happy or sad
i am happy because
i think i am free of worries and problems
i am sad because
YAP CHING KENG did not turn up for school today
you promised me, you better stay true to your words lady
i do not fancy liars or promise breakers.
you hear me!?

that is all for my blogging session today
tired, suffering from acute laziness
oh well
doctor get me a cure as quickly as possible!
oh yeah, ms zul will kick my fanny if she finds out i have not started revision!

it has been quite some time ever since i last blogged here.
countless events and tremendous happenings had occurred during my absence
as you know, i was just too lazy to put them in words
however, the english mid-year examinations are coming
so i thought, why not practice my english too?
alright, this entry my sound a little bit prim and proper
and not with the usual broken english or what us Singaporeans call Singlish

anyway, i have no idea what is wrong with me
ever since the Golden Jubilee Celebrations ended,
i have no motivation to study.
i am serious, totally zero, nah-dah.
period.
i have become a roaming spirit
wandering here and there, living a laid back life
there is not even a slightest bit of drive in me to do well
WHY!?
i am going crazy, i know i have assignments to complete
and yet i am procrastinating.
i do not want my grades to suffer
neither do i want to regret my decision to study later.
i have to do something!
i really want to prove to my parents that i can juggle dance and studies well.
it is like an invisible pact
whereby deep inside my parent's and my heart
we made a deal.
i want to prove that old hag wrong too =p

i think it is going to be a long and tiring 4 weeks ahead for me
seriously, i hope that i will not break and of my oaths i made to myself during this period
let me be enlightened and burn like a sizzling flame!
that is i will only die out after the Os!
ahhh!
I CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

good night people, i have decided to zonk out.

snippets of the GJ Concert. behind the scenes










i am a mad woman













the darkness and i









mini-clubbing sessions in the dressing room

azhar and i gone nuts

we are the indie chicks

THAT IS ALL FOLKS!

yesterday was my first time at NUS University Cultural Centre.
Man.. the backstage looks exactly like the setting of a hospital.
Creepy but we had fun =)
can't wait for Saturday!

my darlings

I don't understand myself, or the reason why I exist
is my life on earth filled with unexpected obstacles?
or is it just a meaningless one.
though I have decided to devote all my school time to studying
who am I to complain that I feel left out?
who am I to know about all their matters
when all I see is the content from the textbooks
who am I to feel that whatever they said was too hurtful?
whatever they did pains me?

I tried to hide, to cover up my emotions.
I put up a strong front
because of the hurtful experience I had before
instead, everytime when I reach home,
I question myself is it worth the pain within?
I longed to selfishly say whatever is on my mind,
but I know I can never do that,
as I would rather get hurt than them getting hurt.
people are dubious creatures.
they mock people of backstabbing and gossiping behind their backs
when they themselves also practise the same act.
I bet never in the lives did they ever notice this.

after the danceNow competition the week before Last Saturday,
I finally broke down
I knew the day was coming
the day before the competition, I wanted to do it already
I am tired, stressed and under pressure.
I am glad that it's finally over now.

but why am I still not happy?

I hardly saw or talked to my Dad for two weeks.
he seems to be drifting away.
I know he is busy with his outside matters,
I know he is tired and does not have the time and energy to think of other things
that is what that pains me the most
exerting himself to the limits.
seems to me that I have gained a chauffeur and lost a Dad.
how sad and pathetic can that be..

I really admire Jas and Jenna to be on such good terms with their mothers
I know that can never happen to me
not in a life time.
my mother is like a hurricane
winding up rooted trees and houses
creating a storm
ceasing to rest,
always whirling, swirling, taking everything along with her..
jumping into conclusions are one of her traits
how wonderful can my life be?
I always long to have a heart to heart talk with my mother
but seems to me, it will most probably end up in an argument
not us acting like two bestfriends on the bed
giggling nonsensically about random stuffs.

I wish I could change my life.
how can you inspire me?

it's been two years
and I am certain
what ever I am feeling now
can never be transmitted to you
a barrier has formed
it's too late for me to spill
no worries
because while I reminisce about the past
I will always remember you

OMG! FLOORSKILLS WAS THE BOMB!
the koreans and the thais were awesome
DASH is so cute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and so is that two korean guys who did the 3rd/4th position tag
they are like so HOT
ahhhhhhhhhhhh
i'm going crazy!
lol
nite all

i wish i could not care about them
i wish that time can backtrack past
i wish the world's not such a horrible place
but my wishes can never come true.

i do not know how to explain this
but why do people pass on?
i wish i could help suz ease her sadness
but it is difficult
i believe she is a strong girl
and she'll be able to cope with this
hopefully.

after the visitng the casket
that night i couldn't sleep
i told pap that i would sleep early
i ended up sleeping at 2am in the morning
i reckoned i heard something
it was like this faint handphone ring tone
it was loud at first
then it got softer
but i know it wasn't anyone in my family's phone
creepy i thought
then i thought of suz
tears
lying in bed eyes wide open
i just couldn't sleep

i am scared
i don't want anything like this to happen to daddy
or mummy
or that lil brat at home
i got so scared that i stolen his packet of cigs
it's lying in my drawer now
what should i do?
discard it?
tell me.
what should i do?

sometimes i sit and think to myself
i am so sick of smiling every single day
so sick of pretending
feeling nauseous because of the pretence
why can't i just frown or whine?
why can't i pout my lips and get what i want?
why can't i just revert back to the gloomy me,
where i feel that i am me?
i cannot because i will feel that this whole world is against me
i cannot because i do not have the ability to convince
i cannot because i am too tired of trying
but how contended will i be if i gave them all up?

sometimes i feel really left out
probably its because i do not really share what's inside my heart
i really wished that when technology blooms
there will be this device
whereby we can read each other's thoughts
wouldn't it be much easier for all of us?
there will not be any hassel of worrying about the other party's feelings
and probably i wouldn't feel so selfish as to demand something
but what i really want are things really simple

i longed for my mother to cuddle me
i have always wished my father could gently ask me "What's wrong?"
i desire for my friends attention

aren't i selfish to think that way?
i can't help it.
i am just a human being afterall.
is it too greedy to ask for love?
i never felt i was loved before
ever since my parents labelled me as "Independent".
i still use it now,
as an excuse to convince myself that it is alright to be alone.
everytime i put that smile back on my face
i would tell myself: Today will be a better day
i don't want to stop smiling
because if i do,
i will never know when i'll start smiling again.

picture this
i am on an internet hunt for japanese videos on YouTube
then a Jdrama caught my eye
title "A litre of Tears"
as expected its a tearjerker with many heartbreaking scenes
an hour later
i am sitting in front of my computer crying my eyes out
this drama is really heartbreaking
it is about this 15 year old girl who has Spinocerebellar Degeneration
which means her brain is constantly deteororiating
to a point where she becomes bedridden
but the cruelity of this disease is that only the physical aspects of the body are affected
her mind is still working and aware of her surroundings
i find Aya's, the female lead, will to live very touching
even though she knows of her disease,
her only desire is to live life to the fullest
i wonder if i was in her shoes,
will i be this strong to accept the truth?
can i live life happily,
and not loathe the hard passage of life that i have to walk through?
will i be able to move on,
or sit in a corner, looking dejected
giving up my hope on life?
i guess one would not know what their reaction might be unless they are in that position
i really admire people with strong character
i look up to them as inspirations of hope
generators of joy
to be able to fuifill a simple but difficult desire
is the most precious of all
oh by the way, the above is a true story.

went for a W.K.M introductory dance class today
by the way it stands for wacking, krumping and milking
taught by Gin
she's super hot
learnt tonnes of stuff
and literally sweat my ass out
i wanna dance more
and more
and MORE!
can't wait for ryan's lesson on monday
i hope the juniors whom we coached will do well
please guys..
for the sake of Dance
and for the sake of everybody we had brought the Dance reputation up
do your best
i hope ryan will not lecture us and waste his time again
i really hope we could learn new choreography
however, who can relate to my desire for new dance steps?
they who appear committed
but are not
they who appear to try
gives up half way
they who appear to love dance
are just liars in the making
for heaven's sake eliminate those errors
and love dance for passion.

happy st valentine's everyone!
man this would be the best valentine's day i ever had
recieved tonnes of sweet little somethings from not only my cloest buddies L6, Jas, Jac and Tsy
but from nicolette, rachel, becca, sexy monkey, yingtong, siti etc.
surprisingly yengjie and sinteck also gave all the girls in class a stalk of rose, ferero roche and a little note!
prem also gave tsy,zhen,suz and i a bouquet of 5 roses, which means "I Love You... Like real."
LOL
and best of all Saran, Shafiq and i don't know who else treated the class to pizza!
i love them man!
i love 4e2 for life!
you guys rock!!!!

jas, have fun with you-know-who.
LOL

i forgot to add in this in yesterday's post
i hate myself
no wait. i hate that sick old man more.
he's such a perverse ass. i can't believe there's actually such a person left in this world
ok the story goes like this
i was at Popular - Kovan's Branch
and was reading at the fiction segment
then this little girl and her father came
her father was pointing to these row of books directly behind me
and she squat down to read them
i was thinking man.. this little girl is so cute and continued doing my stuff
i took a few steps back thinking that there isn't anyone behind me
to my surprise i saw the father kneeling down too
i was wearing a skirt mind you
and that father had a handphone in his hand
when i saw it
he was anxiously trying to hide it away from me
i was shocked
i didn't know what to do
i felt violated and stupid
i don't like sick old men, they are sick in the head
if he really wants to know my underwear colour can't he just ask me?
or like go strip his wife or something.
what is the society becoming to?
good grace.

i think i am suffering from constipation
i can't freaking pass out all that rubbish that's in me.
oh well the food i ate today were too good to be passed out
i need vitagen
BAD

babes, don't give up.
it's only an audition.
you're young, you still have tonnes of years to get to your passion
i'll be supporting you as always
love ya loads!

i can't believe i'm already 16
16 years of life just passed
man.. time flies quickly.
had homecoming concert today
energy was awesome for the last song
celebrated my birthday yesterday with them*
fun. had indian cusine
Xsquared, bowled and arcade-d the rest of the time away
i'm tired.
nights

do you know your a sin to me?
stealing my heart like nobodies business
isolating it in the end
so is this goodbye?
or is this the beginning?
perhaps we never even started our "friendship" at all
it's too late
time passed us while we were just staring ahead.
it's gone
forever lost

hey guys HAPPY NEW YEAR 2006!
i just came back home like an hour ago? i feel so wasted and i'm gonna sleep pretty soon AGAIN. lol.
well what can i say? the night before was so happening man! i met up with Jas @ Cineleisure, boy, there were alot of people alright! friggin packed!
we decided to head down to takashimaya by the back route as there were tonnes of people spraying foam all around and we didn't wanna get involved.
jas met marc ahile later and we proceeded into funkout gee, it's like so awesome that we could get in for free and the others had to pay 35 bucks? lol.
well, we managed to get in for free as marc and crew, Definition Crew was having a break battle with Radical Force.
They were wicked! If i'm not wrong they won! *woot*
we partied and danced around at funkout for quite a bit.
i was like sweating like shit there, it was so freaking hot and the Dj was awesome
i danced till my stomach hurts and i was so damn thirsty
i drank a lil' beer offered by marc and felt much better
after the countdown, definition crew, jas and i took a cab to trevose crescent
the taxi driver rocks, literally initial d-ish. lmao
we went to kouhei's house first to put our stuff, omg freak me out! he has like 3 really fat cats at home.
AHHHHH!!!!!!!!
headed to the house party. it was crap. the lightings were horrible and the smoke machine was gross. only hiro still had the mood to dance. lol
we got in like less than 10 mins before leaving again. went back to kouhei's house had this mini chatting + game session with the old guys.
we played PINGPONGPANG! haha wicked game, i'm like super slow that's why i had to drink up so many times. it was fun though
then we played this game where the KING has the rights to ask anyone a question or give them a dare
haha i dare kelvin to danced round the tree, but woon chi was like " hey i can see your ass man" and kelvin literally like showed us his butt and was grinding the tree like nuts. it was hilarious
woon chi had to put a flower into his hair while marc had to jump into the pool, he lost his 10bucks while doing it. haha
anyway, we talked alot and seem to understand how guys view girls at clubs. hmm.. like an understanding session. afterwards we left for home @ around 7am
reached jas's place around 7.30am ate breakfast in Mac before heading to her house to sleep.
i was dead tired.. Jas's bed is like so nice. i slept like a pig. i slept all the way from 8.30am to 6pm
with lunch breaks in between..
ahh i'm still so tired now. gonna sleep. NIGHT!