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It's 5am now and I have yet to sleep. I can feel it kicking in already, but somehow i just have this urge to blog.

Why do you have to always hurt me with your words, whenever I bring an issue up? Okay, I admit, I do hurt you too, but is it always a must to hurt me back with the words you say? Truthfully I can't sleep because whatever you said keeps running through my head. You know how words can affect me and hit me hard, why do you have to resort to that?

I never meant to compare anything, I was just wondering why other boyfriends can do little things like remembering that their girlfriends are hungry but too busy to get food, and buy for them. Seeing Andreas dapao something that Iris likes to eat just made me have that sudden realisation.

Then you started comparing me with your bestfriend's girlfriend, telling me that you think she's better than me. That she is more understanding and knows her boyfriend better. It hurts you know. Far worst then what I said to you. I never said you were no good or anything, but those words you said to me really struck me hard. I then questioned you, "You said I was understanding that's why we are together." and you replied, "Yeah, you were, but I don't know what happened.".

After you hung up, I cried and sat thinking for many hours. Is this what you want? Is this what I want? For you to say such things, for me to get hurt? I know you will definitely blog or do something and then shoot me back in the end. In the end, I'll get hurt again, by the words you say. I just wish some times, you will see things in my perspective and see how much it hurts me by the words you say. At times, I wish you could suck whatever I said up, and change/improve. It's impossible, I am just a girlfriend to you. Every time I try to choose my words carefully, to minimize the hurt and end up hurting more instead. Maybe I should speak less, I don't know.

You say maybe we are not thougtful of each other. I choose to think otherwise. Maybe I think about you too much, I wanna be with you every moment if possible, if I am with my girlfriends, I will unconciously still think of you. Whether you are hungry, busy, tired etc.

That day when you flick my hand and walked away, made me realised the need for me to be independent. To be left standing there, picking up the pieces, pretending everything in the world is alright and moving on. I have to depend on myself for these.

You know when you hurt someone once, twice, thrice, they start putting on a protective shield around them to prevent it from happening again the fourth time. This is when people start to close themselves up and hide things from each other. I don't want this to happen, can you promise me you won't say things to hurt me again? I have my mother for that. I don't need another person in my life to put me down time and time again.

You don't know how happy you made me when you told me about my reggae choreography. Cos I was smiling in front of my shitty mobile phone. How happy I am when you send me home and accompanying me when I am PMSing. Or the fact, I really meant it when I said you were the best boyfriend in the world. In the end, I am not good enough. Likewise for dance and my pathetic life, I am not good enough.

I don't wanna cry anymore. Wishing someone was here to lend me a shoulder and wipe mucus all over their shirt. Okay, I am sorry for being a shitty girlfriend. Like what my mother said, I will always be shitty in whatever I do. fucker.