a stupid life

things have been not going smoothly for me. life is unfair, so unfair. i'm already not beautiful nor am i smart, and now my life is filled with obstacles that i have to overcome no matter what.

first things first, i really hate myself. i hate myself for not being able to forgive myself; for hiding things inside of me and just for being too harsh on myself. i wonder my past 'relaxed life' phase, was it just to run away from my own demands or me being truly laid-back? i told myself countless times that people make mistakes, and so do i. but somehow forgiving others is so much easier than forgiving myself. i will stupidly think of all the inconvenieces that i caused to others and just fail to look on the brighter side that it is an opportunity to learn. i am a stupid girl, stupid stupid girl.i don't know why i think this way. people say i think too much blah blah blah, but if i don't think i feel that my life is floating around so aimless and confused. i have no direction to head to and i just repeat the vicious cycle over again.

all i need is a self-esteem booster. i know all these are supposingly self-motivated, but i am so fucking weak-willed, it kills me. if i can choose i wanna live my life battling with others on the dance floor, somehow i will be able to adopt a different persona and am completely different. i really hate my fucked up self. it is sickening to the max. *stabs self 1000000000000 times* all i can say is i hav really great friends who often ask what's wrong when they see me looking like shit, really thank them for their concern, it is also beacuse of them that i feel happy most of the time, a major distraction frommy alone time filled with evil, disgusting thoughts on myself.

my family is... i don't know, i can't seem to find any words. we are like calefares in each others lives. don't talk much, don't see each other much(except when i'm back early.). i cannot seem to express my trus feelings at home, thus the close-up feel i always have. i wanna say, but i'm afraid that i will hurt them you know. it's so disturbing. i have been keeping this major secret from them since wednesday. I am still deciding whether or not to say, i don't wanna hurt them or make the atmosphere at home gloomy again. however this snippet of information is vital to the family. i am so confused and torn on what to do. i hate this feeling. argh help me.

i feel really sorry to my mum. we had a major arguement last night and i was banging the doors and feeling damn pissed. spoke to her rudely and just feel like smashing every other item on the floor. i hate having fights, it just makes me more pissed and not able to control my emotions. i wish i could speak to her calmly and talk things through. some times i really don't understand mothers. they want you to do soooooooooo many things at one time. i ain't no superhero, i can't do it in 2 minutes you know! imagine your mum asking you to eat and bathe, one after another! what the hell! how to?! then scold me for wasting her time cos i am taking too long... say i don't help out with housework, but every time i do, you will say it's not clean or i;m a useless helper. putting me down with words time and again, then do you think i will still offer my help? sometimes i did try to change my bad habits, like now, i seldom fall asleep with the lights on already and you don't remember it. and when i do once in a blue moon, you will say, tell you so many times already, you still don't listen! ARGH! okay okay, everything is just my fault.

and then my boyfriend comes into the picture, okay he's been real nice. i like any other human being, need time to sort out my stinking thoughts before saying. it is not because i intentionally avoid you, it is more of that i am afraid of saying the wrong things and it might hurt you. anyway, all my problems which are not related to him will somehow end up being related and making both parties pissed. you know some times people just need a listening ear, not someone to argue with when they are down and weary? i try my best to give you that at times, like console for awhile before i get annoyed and start correcting you. lol. it's tough, but i did try okay!

people are like that, they talk to much and listen too little. ask yourself, are you like that too? does it kill for you to try and listen to what others have to say. okay at times when they try, mid-way through the other parties conversation we start trying to form our own ideas and thoughts on the matter in our head. JUST LISTEN! okay i admit, i too have the tendency to interuppt, most of the time is because i will forget what the person say, then i scared i cannot remember what i thought. lol. but i will listen when i know it is important and when i know that person is genuinely caring for me.

okay, i still feel shitty and arghhhhhhhhhhhhh.
feel like wasting my life being an alcoholic.
righttttttt.
peace out.