Two fucked up weeks of my life.

I have alot to say but nothing seems to come out.

Life
Is shit. Yeah. Full of it.
I think i have like 93274901487070470174 pails of shit stored.
Every single bad thing that can happen, happened.
All within this short period of time.
What could I do?
But wait for a miracle to happen. Or just wait to die.

Love
It's just like that. I used to have alot of love, but all these shit is seriously draining me out.
I don't want to say I'm running out of love.
But I am.
I just need all the love that I can get right now.
It doesn't seem to be coming bak right now,
especially from my friends and family.
People whom i trust the most.

Family
If there is anything shittier than shit,
tell me.
It's the only description available for this section.
Granny has depression since my uncle left.
Beating his kids frequently.
Mom has more burdens on her back,
keeps saying dying would be better for her.
My sissy is growing up, needs alot of attention and care,
Mom doesn't have time for her cos of the kids.
Dad is doing the extra mile,
doing whatever he can to help my mom and the family.
I think he's trying to reach out to me whenever he sends me to dance on Saturdays.
It works in a way.
Financially its tough,
I can't spend like I used to anymore.
I can't ask for money from my parents in such a situation.
I can't keep withdrawing from my savings account.
People still owe me money and have yet to return.
My dad has been asking where all those money has gone.
How am I supposed to explain to him.
I don't even know if I am geting my money back.
I feel drifted away from this family.
Like I don't belong.
Its like my existence is totally erased.
I am only back to sleep and wash up.

Dance
I feel like I dance so badly.
I feel like the shittiest dancer in TPDE.
I feel like I am unable to accomplish my goals.
I fee like I am falling behind.
I feel like I am being tossed around time and again.
All these games that are being played on me just doesn't work anymore.
I am really sick of it.
My body is not listening to me anymore.
I don't know what to do.
I feel like I've just lost my soul.

God, are you playing a trick on me?
Are you setting this up cos it's for my own good?
Is it because I have been neglecting church and cellgroup that you are doing this to me?
Is this a test of faith?
What can I do?
How should I save myself from falling harder, faster in this never-ending abyss.
Am I forgotten in these two weeks of your life?
Could you do something?
Or are you waiting for me to make the first move?
If you are, I really have no idea how or what to do.
Everynight, I have been thinking, crying, sleeping, dreaming and finally waking up scared.
I am afraid of my dreams.
They seemed so real.
I dream of my dear friends.
Being alone.
Gettint no help,
stuck in this shit forever.
In fact right now, I just want to sleep more.
I am so drained.
Mentally and physically.

I need laughter not alcohol.
I need love not arguements.
I need a fucking free mind, free world, free being.

Iris if you are ever reading this, I am sorry for not picking up our call. I don't know what to say anymore. I don't even know how you think right now. This whole issue is big misunderstanding. Firstly I thought the discussion was between you and me. Secondly, I thought you explained to Andreas. Thirdly I don't even know why Andreas was involved in this.
Andreas, this si so stupid. Okay I apologized for scolding you, but I ain't gonna apologize for what I said. What if they have plans tomorrow and cannot make it? And don't you get the meaning of pot luck. Pot luck means buy for everyone and we eat together. So everyone buy diffferent things. I didn't even asked you to do anything. All along I was doing the planning, I didn't even asked you to plan.

Enough said.
I need a miracle in my life.
God just send an Angel down to guide me.
If not just anyone, who can help me.