Moving on...

I haven't been connecting to the world ever since the Carebears stint which is currently still ongoing... Tonnes of things that I wanna do/go/see but I haven't had the time, especially with this killer weather which is causing me to get flu, sore throat and fever! :(

Still I have to work later! Hope my brain won't die on me!

Things that I wanna do/get/whatever:

1. Catch C.S.I Experience at SDC

2. Use my Desperado's Bigdeal coupon @ Sentosa

3. Catch Rapunzel: A tangled tale, The Social Network (is it still showing??), Easy A

4. Use my Modesto's @ Elizabeth 1 for 1 coupon

5. Get an epilator (been wanting one since a year ago..)

6. Pretty wedges that I wanna get...

All these need money and I am vehemently sad that I don't have that kinda money... 30th Dec is my 2nd visit to KKH = more money! Plus, another booboo this Dec is I won't get to celebrate Christmas... Major BOO! I love Christmas, oh well... I must think positively and not predict I will have a lonely Christmas this year!

Hope things will just get better cos God is Good!

Thank you...

This week has been amazing! First things first, can y'all believe it, O SCHOOL RECITAL 2010 is actually happening tomorrow!! Excited yet I wished it would happen later! Not that I don't feel prepared or anything, it's just that once recital is over, there will be an empty block in my life. I will probably miss Wednesday and Sunday rehearsals, miss heading to O School just to train with everyone, miss the laughter, sweat and the dancing! I will probably feel very lonely then. Every time I do recital, I feel like I am involved in something amazing, something that people get to see for a short while on stage, but it took us a month or two to prepare. I enjoyed the process more than anything and it is always sad to see it end. This year will be a little different since there will be 3 shows; Sat, 7pm & Sun 3 & 7pm! Thank you everyone who has been supporting O SCHOOL RECITAL, cos we've got 3 SOLD OUT SHOWS!!!!!!! :D

With this, I would like to thank O School and all their instructors for always guiding us and giving us the opportunity to perform on such a big stage. Personally, I feel everyone in O School is so exquisite, always lending a helping hand, no matter in life or personal matters! I don't know what I will become if I haven't attended my first O School class back then in Bras Basah! So I really thank God for O School!

And to my dear Kosmic crew, Tuesday night was really fun! I always enjoyed my time with you guys! I will probably miss Marcia alot when she is leaving, cos there will be no one to make us laugh! Okay, please promise that we will go for one more night out before Marcia leaves!!

To my boy, sorry this year I can't go all out for your birthday like I usually do, cos I gotta save money for my hospital bills! But I hope you will still get to enjoy your day with me! ;)

what do you want from me?

As you get older you have more responsibilities, more commitments, more money to be wasted.

Every month from now I have to set aside money for:

1. Hospital bills

2. Mobile phone bills

3. Personal expenses - travelling, food, contact lenses

4. Monthly tithes, offerings and savings.

5. Random miscellaneous things that require me to pay more money.

It makes me realise how I freaking hate money. When I have money, you keep asking. When I don't you not just ask BUT you keep nagging why I am not earning.

OMG.

I wish I can just shut everything out, it's like you think I get money can drop down from the sky is it? You expect me to have this and have that, but you don't think how difficult it is for me.

You say, I wasted my time after graduation doing nothing.

But i didn't do nothing. I did many things which YOU DIDN'T SEE.

I got involved in YOG, did many dance shows/jobs; I worked at a friggin Daycare centre for kids in a resort, I learned to look after KIDS - change diaper etc; and now I have an upcoming job for a Mascot.

I'm sorry if I am not earning enough to your expectations. You expect me to give you money which I can't afford because I have to look after myself. Did it ever crossed your mind that sometimes i WALK so far in order to save transportation costs? When my EZ link card has no money, were you there to help me? I had to rely on taking out from my Bible school fund or Kaiwen to send me home.

Maybe I sound like an ungrateful, unfilial child, but seriously I am no degree holder. You constantly ask me to move out, saying I am hopeless etc, but still say I AM YOUR MOTHER/FATHER AND I HAVE THE RIGHTS. Technically yes, but seriously, it's been going on for so long, when I don't say anything, doesn't mean that I am okay with it.

Yes, I really wished that I am earning right now, so I could fulfill your wish of moving out and giving you money regularly.

Ugh.

No more holidays, good food, additional spending for me.

Time for me to just solely depend on myself, not like I haven't been doing it, just that now financially, i don't have a choice.

Just some updates.

A month ago, I visited a neighbourhood family doctor regarding some period issues, I have super bad cramps which require me to rest the entire day at home, other symptoms include body/muscle aches, vomiting, diarrhea and cold sweat, similar to food poisoning. On certain days, when I dance excessively, or that particular dance is very energetic, I tend to get cramps and spotting (eh fyi for male readers, it's a very light blood discharge).

This made it very uncomfortable for me as it was pretty disruptive. I remembered last time during my internship, it got so bad every month I had to take a day or two off. What's worst is that my supervisor didn't believe me! She told my other colleagues "Got so bad meh? It's so exaggerating..."

So back to the family doctor, the doctor prescribed Yaz, a birth control pill, and I was told to take it when my period first started. I previously have pretty regular periods. So i started on 8 Oct and I was pretty impressed with the results as I didn't experience any cramps at all! So I continued to religiously consume it. However, after the normal 7 days of period, I realised I was still having my period! It lasted for whole month of Oct, sometimes regular flow, other times are light spotting.

I got a little bit worried when I finished my course of Yaz and I proceeded to see a doctor at the Polyclinic. The doctor was quite worried when I told her my symptoms and I had to take a test which turned out negative and she proceeded to prescribed me Norethisterone - a kind of hormone called progesterone. She said there were no side effects to this pill, I asked because I was afraid to put on weight.

I began consuming this on Wed, all went well until Fri. I had a little argument with Kaiwen and I have never in my life felt so angry before. It was over a very minor issue and I didn't know why I had to blow up like that, be this angry and doing/saying all those stupid things which I can't remember what I said now. All I knew was rage, in my head, in my body, I just feel like hurting something. It doesn't matter if it was me or someone else. Now thinking back, I remember being very anxious, I wasn't thinking with my head, I was constantly shivering with anger and my body was shaking like crazy. I was crazy, in fact. I couldn't see straight and was hitting myself, until he stopped me and I broke down. I couldn't control my emotions, cried easily and I felt so down that I didn't wanna live anymore. Normally, I wouldn't feel this way, for eg. if Gin scolded me, I will be able to take it, but that day I just started crying when I didn't wanna cry. It's like crying for no reason. I was crying almost everyday before that day and I haven't cried in a LOOOOOONG time.

When things got a little better, after that crazy stint, he asked me not to take those pills anymore. I went home and researched about Norethistherone and I saw many side effects that shocked me more than a little.

Taken from ehow.com (bold to show what I've experienced)

Hormonal Side Effects

1. The most common norethisterone side effects, experienced by fewer than one in 10 women, include breakthrough bleeding, breast tenderness, changes in sex drive, excessive hair growth, fluid retention and bloating and hair loss.

Additional Side Effects

2. Additional common side effects include depressed mood, dizziness, drowsiness, fatigue, headaches, insomnia and nausea, rash and itching, and weight gain.

Blood Clots

3. Progesterone is associated with a slightly-increased risk of blood clots when included with estrogen in oral contraceptives. Progesterone alone may also increase this risk. The risk of blood clots can be increased when people are immobile for long periods of time, such as during bed rest after surgery.

Diabetic Concerns

4. Norethisterone can increase blood sugar levels, and should be taken cautiously by women with diabetes.

Liver Problems

5. Rarely, norethisterone is associated with liver problems. Signs are nausea and vomiting, fatigue, dark urine and jaundice.
6. 
   

Luckily, I was due for an appointment at KKH and I feedback to the doctor serving me, she asked me to stop that medication and to wait for my period to come (currently still waiting). I was asked to do a PAP Smear and Ultrasound, which I have no idea for what, I didn't asked cos I was stoned from the pain in my head and the doctor didn't tell me. My next appointment will be in Jan, before I know my results.

Moral of story? See a specialist if you have a specific problem, don't mess with your hormones and stick with friends who understand and support you! Thank you Beibei, Iris and Ah Lee, for understanding.

So now I am off the stupid hormone pill and feeling tad better! I don't feel like dying (lol) or crying though the faigue is still there. Nevertheless, I better start looking after my health now!

Mishmash

Geez, I guess I really do miss you afterall.

I feel like a few hours over the weekend is not enough.

Hmm.

I'm getting so lazy to blog ever since I started www.trouvergrade.blogspot.com

I guess it's more interesting there since there are things to talk about afterall.

All I can say is Dance is good.

I really love Gin's Recital Item this year! The crazy people! The rehearsals! Everything!

I don't feel ready yet, but I really enjoyed the processing of working with new people, pushing myself and exploring in the world of dance! :)

Keep dancing guys!

Trouver Garde

Hey guys!

Sorry for the absence, been pretty busy with dance and what not! Anyway, please check out my other blog: www.trouvergarde.blogspot.com! By the way it's in French and it means Finding Keeps. Goes along well with what I had in mind, what you can find (goodies?? :)) is what you get to keep!

I have been working on it for a couple of days now, by the way it isn't really a blogshop, more of my fashion site? I sell my beloved clothings as my wardrobe is getting too huge to handle and space is limited. Most of them are brand new or at most worn once and they have been sitting in my closet since forever.

So if you're short on budget but wanna get your hands on something, do check my site out!

I will be updating as frequently as possible so that there will be more things for y'all to look at!

So please support and check it out!

Friends who are interested to feature your clothes can contact me too!

Love,

Sam

October lovin'

This month is a month of love,
a month of hugs, kisses and saying 'I love you'!

It's never too late to start loving and I am thankful to have such wonderful friends giving me love all the time!

thank you guys, so people start loving!
Stop hating!

A day in the Lee Family

The other day in the Lee family, around 7pm.

The two Lee daughters were happily napping on the couch when the Elder Sis Lee woke up suddenly as she recalled that Daddy Lee was supposed to call her mobile to ask her what she wants for dinner. Frantically, she ran to her phone and lo and behold, there were 2 missed calls from the old man.

So, she immediately dialed Daddy Lee's number using the home phone and this was the conversation...

Elder Sis Lee: Hello Daddy, where are you?

Daddy Lee: I'm at XXX. Aiyo now then call, I called your stupid jie jie (older sister) and she didn't picked up the phone, still want me to buy dinner... (rambles on and on and on...)

Elder Sis:.............. I AM THAT STUPID JIE JIE (older sis)



Lol. This is how life in the Lee family is, a little irritating, sometimes abit angsty but most of the times, these funny moments make the entire household a hell lot tighter! :D

P.S By the way, according to various sources, my younger sister and I seemed to have the same voice and similar way of speaking (lazy to move our lips when we talk, so our mouths literally open and close only.), my boyfriend ever mistaken my sister for me on the phone once and kinda 'scolded' her... LOL.

I'm not dead... YET.

Have you guys heard of the movie Charlie St. Cloud

Okay, I'm not asking because of Zac Efron, bet many fan girls are still into him - move on honey, he's attached!

Charlie St Cloud seems like another tearjerker movie that attempts to thug at our heartstrings.

Thankfully though, it is not just another romantic comedy, it also instills (somewhat) family values, the deal about making/breaking promises and moving on with life.

Sounds similar to My Sister's Keeper, don't ya think?

Anyway, here's the synopsis for y'all:

Based on an acclaimed novel, Charlie St. Cloud is a romantic movie starring Zac Efron as a young man who survives an accident that lets him see the world in a unique way. In this emotionally charged story, he begins a romantic journey in which he embraces the dark realities of the past while discovering the transformative power of love.

Accomplished sailor Charlie St. Cloud (Efron) has the adoration of mother Claire (Oscar^® winner Kim Basinger) and little brother Sam (newcomer Charlie Tahan), as well as a college scholarship that will lead him far from his sleepy Pacific Northwest hometown. But his bright future is cut short when a tragedy strikes and takes his dreams with it.

After his high-school classmate Tess (Amanda Crew) returns home unexpectedly, Charlie grows torn between honoring a promise he made four years earlier and moving forward with newfound love. And as he finds the courage to let go of the past for good, Charlie discovers the soul most worth saving is his own.

So Nuffnang posted this question to us: "“Who would you like Charlie St. Cloud (Zac Efron) to choose – his brother or the girl he likes? And why?"

My answer? Of course the girl he likes!

There's no point in holding onto something that has already passed on in life, yes it is heart-breaking and you'll definitely not forget it, but one has to learn to let go.

We cannot let the dead lead our lives, whereas the living live on with some many restrictions, might as well be dead!

If I were Zac Efron, I'm sure my little brother will understand that he has to move on too and he should know that we will all miss him as we love him very much.

So the girl's definitely a keeper!

I bet if she understands what he is going through, she will not only be his support but also the door to move on in his life! (tsk tsk that's how great girls are! ;p)

Okay enough of my rambling, check out the trailer below!

and...

Catch Zac Efron in his new romantic movie Charlie St. Cloud, opening in cinemas September 30!

is it time to move on?

tell you the truth i can't even remember our anniversary.

i can't remember when was the last time we went out on a date.

i can't remember the last few sweet words you said,

all i cam remember is your face,

the hurtful words,

and the unforgiving tone.

what is love?

Please let me find love again.

When I see pictures on tumblr or those romantic handwritten notes, I always crave for them.

but i know i won't get it because the person i am in love with doesn't do this kinda things.

sometimes i wonder why there's so much differences in the things that you want and the things that you get.

Can you tell me what is love?

The love that I see, is when a father holds his child proudly and every so tenderly.

The love that I see, is a dancer dancing her heart out.

The love that I see, isn't the right love for you and me.

So will you show them to me?

I can't see what the future holds now.

Confused.

What '-ship'? Oh that...

After thinking for many months and talking to some lovely people yesterday, I have decided to pen down the extra 'feelings' I have for a certain group of friends.

I don't really care now that my circle of close secondary school friends have dwindled down to a single digit 2, I don't care if the rest are fucked up/angry with me and I don't care if you were pissed with me for what happened in September last year.

But I do know now that I still have 2 very good friends from my puberty days growing up with me and moving on in life.

Frankly speaking, I do feel guilty for not having enough time or putting enough effort in meeting up with the rest, I was pursuing my dream, my passion, my goal. Is that so wrong for me to do so? I don't think so. You might think that I am selfish, but I am just aiming for my goals, moving on with life, heading towards the direction that I want to head to. Like I said, I admitted my negligence on the group and I am sorry for that. For putting you guys off or turning down events because I am packed with last minute rehearsals and what not. Most of the days where you guys are available, I have rehearsals. When I am free, you guys are not. It is just difficult to compromise to a suitable timing. Even so, some of us are still able to meet up without being pushy or demanding about it.

Just to clear things up about what happened in September, I was super eager to meet up and celebrate, I even agreed and said I had bought the present already, so I won't be sharing that. (FYI no one replied to that and kept me to share for present and I don't know what.) Then I had last minute rehearsals, and I asked if we could do something else instead cos I thought it would be too costly on your pockets if I wasn't there (perhaps I didn't explain clearly) and you got pissed with me for that. I'm sorry if I am such a broke miser that I cannot such a luxurious gift for my friend, but it is the thought that counts right?

Just so you know, I am totally cool now that you guys don't ask me out or whatsoever, I have someone to share this feeling with me.

And from this, I know what REAL FRIENDSHIP is.

Friendship is not determined by the quantity of time spent, but the quality of each rare, precious moment is shared with your friends. Seriously I treasured all my friends, no matter how much differences we have, I just have a different outlook of it.

Now I know, I have a group of close friends that keep me sane and make me insane at the same time, the group that seen the good, bad and ugly sides of me and still cherish me even though I cannot meet up with them (perhaps meet only once/twice a year?).

And I know, that we will be friends for life.

I am not talking about everyone in this post... perhaps just two people. Oh well, stay happy and don't bitch too much. Karma can be a very cruel thing. No hard feelings okay.

Okay, I gotta hibernate and protect myself cos I believe people will start cursing from this post onwards.

there's a little something...

i have this sudden inkling,

a sudden discomfort deep in my heart.

no i ain't thinking too much,

i'm just pondering about love.

what does love derive from?

happiness? what is true happiness?

all of a sudden, i feel that i can't love again,

not because you aren't here,

but more of i'm scared of getting hurt.

i never wanna fall back to where i begin.

so i'm praying lord, for you to shower a little happiness in all our hearts.

our lives,

and souls.

not just me,

but my friends too please!

we need your help now,

cos all we've lost can't be found.

we just need a little thing called faith,

and strength comes in handy at the end.

I WANNA BE HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

fist time, i feel so very sad/affected because of my friends problems.

ahhhhhh.

gone

When things are changing, you can't help but wonder what went wrong. It is definite that there will be finger pointing and people pushing the blame, refusing to admit that they had their part to play too. All these are just inevitable.

I'm sorry for all the hurt I have caused and whatever that is my fault. I always say 'Sorry', I hope you realized that and maybe do the same to me too, when you're at fault.

Now the there are two solutions, to walk out of it or to keep being patient until the right day has come. And I am at a loss, too many saying 'Let Go', but all I wanted was for things to be better. I hope I can find the strength in Him right now, to make the right decisions.

How much is Forever?

Just when I thought my mentor was gone, you walked into my life with funny antics.

God's blessing.

Friends forever. :D

When you cried, all that overcome me was guilt for hurting you.

Thank you for all the feelings. :) Love you.

Our last family trip in 5 or more years?

I want to earn enough to bring you guys out of Asia. :)

Dad, when I was fat and ugly, you embraced me.

When I was tired and battered, you teared for me.

When I was, happy and jubilant, you never left my side.

Thank you.

After reading The Time Traveller's Wife, My Sister's Keeper and the news of Melissa Toh, I question myself to - How much is Forever? We all live in a world that comes to an end some day, maybe not now, not 2 months later or 5 years down the road. Somehow, the world that is said to come to a standstill is degenerating slower than we can see that predicted day. We all leave first. To where? I don't know, some people say we become ghosts, some say we disappear, but I would like to believe that we go into Heaven. Into God's arms.

When I read these books, I feel immature, childish, stupid for worrying about that zit on my face, to being insecure about my weight - resulting in me shutting myself out from the world that is changing constantly. The books taught me an important lesson, what is there to life if you don't love and give? I guess loving people in your lifetime can be the greatest gift on Earth besides giving. I know those with broken hearts are gonna curse me to the max now, but perhaps we are just loving wrongly?

I remembered once in Cellgroup, Kenny talked about love, about how We - each and every single one of us are always desperately finding love with other people who don't love us. For example, you have a family, wonderful husband, and two lovely children. Yet you are constantly out there, trying to get people to likfe you, be it from your boss, colleagues or even the pantry lady. All these efforts that you have put into, if directed to your family back home, wouldn't you reap greater results? Your family are people who already and have been loving you for so long and yet humans, greedy as ever crave for more.

I am not saying that you cannot go out there and make friends or be nice to people, I am just saying why should we try so hard on people who don't care about us and put these efforts into people who do.

With this, I would love to thank my wonderful but at times annoying family & boyfriend, for never giving up on me, my friends that I met in dance who have seen the worst and best of me and the people I met from oschool/church/cellgroup. Thank you for letting me learn so much.

May God bless everyone.

Universal Studios Singapore

About two weeks or so ago, Kaiwen brought me on a trip to Universal Studios. Actually, it was his mum who bought the tickets for us cos it was her company's event. There were only three rides opened that night, Shrek, The Mummy ride and another mini-coatser located at Land Faraway.

The Mummy ride wasn't too bad, one of the better indoor rollercoaster rides; Shrek was awesome!!!! 4G ftw.

We didn't sit the last ride as we were busy munching on Goldilocks, it's a food and beverage outlet that serves fried chicken! HUGE fried chickens in fact that melts in your mouth! It's similar to popeyes, but bigger in size and much more appetising!

Okay enough of talking, peektures time!!! :)

Ohohoh, I forgot to say that we watched the Water World(?) show too! Very exciting, funny and just simply dope!

updates of updates!

Wow. How long has it been since I've last blogged?

Things have been going pretty well, I have tonnes to update. Since GEM 5, Choreographer's Ball, Universal Studios trip, Taipei Graduation Trip etc. etc.

This week has been pretty hectic! After we landed, there were just countless of activities waiting for me!

Meeting with the clique of my favourite babes and our babies. Lol, clubbing out of the blue at Rebel, the music was bad bad bad and tonight night cycling!

I hope I won't get into any accident because I didn't have enough sleep!

Okay, update again!

Love,
Sam

blessed

Been really busy/lazy/whatever... LOL.

Excited about many things coming ahead!

God is good all the time, continually blessing us. :)

I don't wanna let hime down, please let me do things the right way...

Taiwan trip ahead.

New reggae classes?? :) (in process)

Part-time job soooon.

Flashmob/SDD!

Can't wait to start life anew.

i love...

i love the smell of brand new leather,

the smell of a new start, a new beginning,

the smell that reminds me of city skylines and skyscrapers,

the smell that brings me present memories with you.

i love the smell of paper bags,

yes, those brown little things that you get from McD's or Starbucks.

there's something inexplicable about this smell.

perhaps it was a long lost childhood memory that i have forgotten,

but it never fails to en trail me.

i love the smell of McD's washing hand soap.

i know, i know.

as weird as it seems,

it makes me feel clean.

perhaps i am really suffering from OCD.

oh well what the heck.

you know what i dream about?

a lifestyle together,

living together,

cuddles, hugs and warm kisses.

doing the laundry,

cooking for each other.

i wonder if it's still possible?

since young, i guess the 'living alone' idea has crossed my mind many a times.

the independence,

the freedom is what i have always earned for.

until i found someone that i wanna be together with my whole life.

i have asked you,

but there were many reasons why you can't.

of cos i am a little sad and disappointed.

but i have to respect your decision, like how you respected mine.

sometimes i wonder,

are we really in for it?

or am i really alone?

there are so many differences that we have always tried to compromise with.

be it religion, upbringing, friends etc.

and we're still going strong.

and i hope we stay that way,

cos i really do love you.

you may think things have changed,

or like things are different now.

but i am still the same.

Love is Patient and kind;

it does not seek to please itself, nor does it delight in evil, but is always hopeful

transit

confused.

are your words.

confused.

is my mind.

what's right or wrong,

what really matters or not.

whether you are The One or not.

i don't know what am i doing here right now.

my mind's full of...

thoughts.

lost in thoughts.

i should just sleep on it,

its the best remedy,

but somehow,

something is keeping me awake.

what do you really mean?

can you be even more vague?

i just need to know a clear answer.

love me tender

what would you do if you can't stand someone?

a kind of character.

a kind of person.

you just feel like slapping him/her...?

hmmm.

these few days,

i just feel loved by you.

And I thank God for that! :)

pms?

i'm tired.

i'm rash.

i say the wrong things.

i get irritated, pissed and frustrated most of the time.

I control my meals, spending, emotions and dance,

taking too much of a toll on me.

I just wanted comfort and concern,

like a nice plate of hald bbq chicken,

like a nice warm, bear hug,

like a nice act of holding my hand.

And I know, I will be better.

Gone

i'm very lost.
everything's just going away from me, every single thing.
either stolen or snatched away.

i seriously think my parents made a mistake by having me.
my existence is not needed.
i can't bring them or anyone happiness.

and somehow my greatest saviour is only Him,
whom i can't seem to cry out to.

should i go away for long?
somehow i wish someone would just ask me to take a long trip away with him/her.
perhaps then i will learn to cherish my existence in my hometown.

i don't like being sensitive,
but is it a crime to be?
i was constantly a listening ear to your sorrows.
i just wished you could be mine too.

anyway, i don't think i can go to the graduation trip to phuket.
parents say:
-its expensive
-not worth it
-monsoon season (tsunami alert!!!)
-blah blah blah

If no one wants to go, shall i embark on a solo trip?
Taiwan, Japan, Korea or Hongkong?

sigh.
if only you could be here right now.

love love love

I am confused...








What is love?
So many different kinds revolve around.
I just know that it has a direct link to happiness.

Samansarii wants to try living on her own.
Tee hee.
I bet I will be homesick and all, but I want to experience something that I cannot forget,
plus it will bring about many life lessons.

Oh well, I'll probably think about it after I get the job! :)

Supper with the quads were awesome!
Dim sums, trannies, cars and joyrides. :D

Biggest audition in my life tomorrow.
Really hope that I will be able to do my best.
That's the most that I can do, the rest is all up to fate/destiny,
whatever God has planned for me. :)

I can't believe I overlept for cellgroup.
Must be thr cramps,
which made me feel like puking.
I hope I will lose weight massively.
Hahahahah~

Okay, I miss my Baby very much...
We haven't kissed for so long loh!!!!
LOL.
bye.

Acceptance of a 20 year old.

Some things in life I just have to accept.
I have to accept that I am not pretty and I am fat.
That's why I will not be able to get commercial dance jobs blah blah shit.

I have to accept that I am not a good dancer.
I have neither talnt or skill,
that's why I have to keep working harder than everyone else.

I have to accept that I lost touch with my secondary school friends.
I know it is impossible to go back into the circle again, when they don't even bother to invite you,
but that is how they choose this friendship to be,
and I can't do anything about it.

I have to accept that certain friends should be kept,
and not all.
if I keep giving my all to all of my friends.
I will be drained like a dried fish.

I have to accept that my family is broke,
and I have to work doubly hard for expenses and to support this family.

I have to accept that I am getting old,
and I will be soon plagued with countless illnesses,
so I gotta keep my health in shape.

I have to accept that I am backsliding,
and God is angry with me, no matter how many times a day I pray,
cos I haven't been going to Church or Cellgroup.

I have to accept this depression inside of me,
and see a psychiatrist soon.

Oh I'm 20...

Boo boo boo booring.
I think I'm starting to not like birthdays, somehow it's shgeiufheifhiheifheh.
Yeah. Lol.

Oh well need to get new Lingerie soon.

Just told my Mum to not get me a cake.
Waste money.
Unnecessary.
Although I love cheesecakes/strawberry-ish cakes, but yeah...
I rather they save it for something else.

Kinda expect it'll be an unhappening day! Cos of all the COL/CNY ding dong!

Clubbing later with the girls!! :)

Feel like flying overseas alone for a day. BKK?
Oh well...

See you later, aligator!

Turning 20 in 3 days.

Can't believe I am hitting the big 2 soon,
in fact every time I think of it, I feel damn grateful to my parents.
Raising me for 20 years is definitely not easy,
I am such a difficut child, must be hard on them.

Haha!

Mum, Dad, I thank you guys from the bottom of my heart and I love you to bits!!!!!!!!!!

I am in a dilemna...

I want to Dance, but I need Money.
Dance = Money.
Why?
Classes, travelling expenses, food, drinks etc etc etc.
The mountain just builds on a single thing called MONEY.

Selfish as I may be,
I want a lot of things despite being contented.
When you have this, you desire other things that you have yet to get.
Then, jealousy, hurt, anger starts forming under the branch of greed.
It is a vicious cycle that I am still trying to get rid of.
All these worldly things, are just superficial, materialistic and replaceable.


Somehow I don't feel all psyched up for my 20th birthday.
I wonder is it because I feel old? LOL.
Or is it due to the pile of work that I have had on hand for sooooo long. (Thanks tutors/lecturers!)

Maybe cos' I just am not expecting anything.
I don't wanna expect, cos I always get disappointed. :)
Like expect my Dad to buy me an iPhone 3GS (HAHA!) or Kaiwen to give me a diamond ring (totally cannot imagine.).

Okay, I bet some people like... lol, will think that I am ridiculous and stupid and will start scolding me.
Can't a girl dream?
Sometimes I really like it when I am sleeping, at least all those things give me an opportunity to wake up from. :)

I just what a girl wants is for someone to be supportive of her.
Someone that says 'I'll make you happy, your entire life.'.
A man that sheds his tear, lets down his guard and get rids of his ego for her.
:)

I JUST WANT TO LIVE A HAPPY LIFE!
okay i gotta get on with reality now.
sorry for all these fragmented posts.
just writing whatever that comes to my mind.

how deep is your love?

some people lead happy lives.
some people are enclosed with sadness.

some people are ignorant.
some people care too much.

some people love.
some people hate.

some people are It.
some people have fallen to success.

this world is made of many things,
many different people,
many different thoughts.

there can never be on standard fixture in life.
always a mixture,
a blend,
a concoction.

i am happy,
then i am sad.
with reasons of cause, why would i make myself unnecessarily down?

the only reason why i am stuck in this rut now,
is cos i have yet to come to terms with it.
it is painful and hurting,
it takes time for it to go away.
and with that, i can't rush it.
i need to embrace it.
and keep moving forward.

every time i feel that i have fallen to the depths of hell,
some people unknowingly pull me back up again.

groupmates,
lermeiqi,
joyce,
JJ... :D
thanks so much.

ohajshfahofhsjxcnkj

In a day, we have 24 hours,
in 24 hours, we have 1440 mins,
in 1440 mins, we have 86400 seconds.

If you cannot even take a few seconds off your day to tell someone who has been waiting for you that you care about that person, you don't deserve the other party's care and concern at all.

What person makes someone wait for more than a day?
Rarely says 'I Love You',
Doesn't even try to save you when you tried asking for help?

Think about it, before you start getting angry.
Ask yourself if this is you.
Ask if you ever treated someone better.
Made the effort, despite how little time you have on your hands.
Don't just think in your context, but other party's too.


i am outcasted, forgotten,
as always.
but i will not back down,
i love certain people who truly bothered to text me to see if I am okay.
thanks, i really appreciate this.

what is a friendship/relationship/whatevership worth fighting for when you go the extra mile for someone and that person can't even be bothered about you?

time isn't something that can be bought.
and because of it, i lost some things really precious.

you can't even spare 5 mins a day for me...

this is a very fragmented post, i don't even know what i am talking about anymore. lol.


bedok market's hongkong strawberry shaved ice.
intralase lasik.
broadway dance centre - 1 year programme.
new black high cut/boots Nike.
yakuniki daidomon.
timbre.
aussie trip.
solo trip to NYC.
phuket/krabi/bali holiday.
stay in a boutique hotel.
a new cross pendant
iphone 3Gs/4G.
blackberry bold 2.
university admission - communication and media.
manual driving license.
master Japanese.
48kg.
dance opportunities - show, competitions, TVC etc.
more money.
cabin crew.

happy birthday not.

this song just sums up everything.

Too many times, I have wondered
What all the tryin' is for.
You come around, I feel so down
I'm gonna drown
'Cause I know that you've fallen short

But do you know?
It doesn't change
The way I feel 'bout you, at the end of the day
'cause I know, that I all I want is what you got.
All I want, is what you got.

Too many times, I have wanted
To turn around and walk away
Knowing deep inside, I can't provide
What I need from you, anyway

Do you know?
Doesn't change
The way I feel 'bout you, at the end of the day
'Cause I know
That all I want is what you got
All I want is what you got
Tell me that I wanna go
But I wanna stay
Tell you that I wanna go
But I wanna stay
Tell you that I wanna go
But I wanna stay
I wanna stay I wanna stay I wanna stay
But I know I'm gonna lose myself this way
I wanna stay I wanna stay I wanna stay
But I know I'm gonna lose myself this way

Do you know?
Doesn't change
The way I feel 'bout you, at the end of the day
'Cause I know all I want is, what you got
All I want is what you got

But
this
Romantic
is
all I got

unappreciated. unloved. unwanted. unaccepted.
do i really deserve a life like this?
when will someone start coming after me?
no one did in my life.
i am replaceable.
when i think of this,
i just feel like slittling my wrist and drown in my own skin.
i'm sorry mum and dad.

wishmefebruary!

All the more for a wishlist!

1. A new laptop! (MacBook anyone?)

2. iPhone 3GS/BB Bold 2 :D (okay i am dreaming for it! gotta save money, or I can just make more ibanking transactions and win it from POSB!)

3. New headphones/earphones (i have crushed my Apple ones so delicately...)

4. New boots! (to dance in! yes i want the sexy ones.)

5. New kicks? (wearing both Nikes out!)

6. A desktop (lol, so I can reinvent my room and put a study table there.. yeah right! more like to play SIMS 3!)

7. A romantic holiday for post Valentine's! :P

8. More dance opportunities! (priceless man.. these!)

9. An airticket to NYC!

10. A one way ticket to paradise/heaven. Lol.

don't judge, don't assume, just don't

left out left out left out.
no matter how many times he has repeatedly told me to stop hurting myself,
but i just gotta accept the fact.
that it is what it is.

i hurt myself more then anyone, why?

if i was prettier, smarter, skinnier, have a beautiful heart.
perhaps i would love myself more.
i feel disgust that every time i look into the mirror i feel like smashing it.
or worst still removing the person that is staring back at me.

i want to achieve this yet i can't.
i want to do this yet i fear.
i want to become something and i don't know how.
this is not me... it is not me...

now i am broke and hungry,
and i am wearing thin.
it is like an emotional battle every single time.
with yourself.

3 more laps to completing 2.4!

Finished my Strategic Marketing task hours ago.
Was supposed to do the collation of surveys but were delayed cos of... LOL. You know who you are.

NAPFA today was exhausting... tired!!!!!
I rather dance! Haha~

Okay, gonna shower and start studying soon!
Just had my Youtube videos therapy and it makes me happy!

OHMYTIAN!
IMC test on Thurs,
Global test on Fri,
DANCE EXAM on Sat...

I will survive!

help answered?

This is really beneficial for me right now.
Daily Devotion By Pastor Kong

Must Christians Suffer?
17 Jan 2010
Then He answered and told them, “Indeed, Elijah is coming first and restores all things. And how is it written concerning the Son of Man, that He must suffer many things and be treated with contempt?” Mark 9:12

It was very difficult for the disciples to grasp the idea that their Savior would have to suffer. The Jews who studied the Old Testament prophecies expected the Messiah to be a great king like David, who would overthrow the enemy, Rome. But their vision was limited to their own time and experience.

If Jesus hadn’t suffered and died, we would have died in our sins. Through His suffering, Jesus completed the work necessary for our salvation. Through His suffering, Jesus fully identified with us. We know that Jesus understands our struggles because He faced them as a human being. We can now trust Him to help us survive our trials and overcome life’s temptations.
Suffering is one of the unavoidable passages of life.

Some people think that troubles are always caused by sin or a lack of faith. But trials are often a part of God’s plan for believers.

Jesus never promised that His followers would not suffer (Luke 21:17-19). Suffering brings a number of benefits: (1) It may be an opportunity for you to practice submission before God. (2) It can build in you character (James 1:2-4) and patience (Rom. 5:3-5). You can’t really know the depth of your character until you see how you react under pressure. (3) You start to become sensitive toward others who may also be facing troubles (2 Cor. 1:3-7). It is easy to be kind to others when everything is going well, but can you still be kind when others treat you unfairly?
God’s will is to make you mature and complete, not to keep you free from pain.

Instead of complaining about your struggles, you should see them as opportunities for growth. Often, your troubles may be a sign of effective Christian living on your part.

Finally, God does not expect us to enjoy suffering. Only days after telling the disciples to pray that they might escape persecution, Jesus Himself asked God to spare Him the agonies of the cross, if that was God’s will (Luke 22:41-42). It is abnormal to want to suffer, but as Jesus’ followers, we should be willing to suffer if by doing so, we can help build God’s kingdom. We have two wonderful promises to help us persevere when we suffer: God will always be with us (Matt. 28:20), and He will one day rescue us and give us eternal life (Rev. 21:1-4).

I will be better.

Just give me the reason to scream and cry.
Just give me the reason to take flight.
Just give me the reason to hurt myself.
Just give me the reason to fall unintended.

Just give me the reason to breathe...
Just give me the reason to believe.

I am only human.

hauntings

Days like this,
I am too afraid to sleep.

The present just keeps coming back to haunt me,
those sleepless nights finally kicked in.
I'm broken now,
only too worn out to be.

I finally understand why people are addicted to cough syrups.
The drowsiness hits you in the back of the head,
allowing you to fall into a dreamless sleep.

No Boundaries

What I have said, I have said.
I'm going to take someone's advice and play dead. :)

Wish that James's comment was still there though. It really rock the balls off anyone!
Hahaha!

FOR YOU WHO IS SO INSISTENT ON KNOWING AN ANSWER.

I really cannot take this already.
If YOU are so perfect,
such a GOOD CHRISTIAN,
such a STRONG BELIEVER.
Would you even say things like that?

YOU can quote all the bible verses in the world,
but it is so contradicting that YOU, YOURSELF are not applying it.
Look at the way YOU talk to me.

Seriously I fee it is full of crap.
YOU can talk all about me making myself to be judged.
But please la, look at the comments, I only see YOU judging me.
And why do I have to be judged by someone like YOU?

Thinking back, I remembered YOU once told me that YOU hated it when Gin judged YOU because of the past,
what the others said about you blah blah blah.
In the end? YOU still judged other people.
YOU say YOU don't care about what people think of YOU.
Yeah, just continue to be this way and best of all stop talking.
Cos why should I listen to YOUR words when YOU don't even bother listening to others?

I bet you will continue to comment like crazy after this post,
but I don't care.
I am not angry or hurt or sad or even pissed.
I just feel wronged.

Next time perhaps I should write about every single thing I prayed to God about,
then people like YOU won't judged me.
Just because YOU can't see, doesn't mean YOU can assume.

Okay in fact I should just close this with a prayer.


Dear God,
Please give me the willpower to ignore all these nonsense in my life, especially so with people who don't respect. I pray that with this obstacle that I overcomed, I will have greater revelations. Let me back into your wings again. Give me the strength to overcome these in your ways and emerge a better person.
Amen

Life measures up in an entry

In life,
some people are luckier,
they have more opportunities and when you see them you this glow of happiness.

In life,
some people are left unwanted,
they are cast aside for whatever reasons and they are generally unhappy.

In life,
some people are meant to do things,
some people are meant to say things,
and some,
are just meant to be nothing.

I won't let life lead me,
cos I am the decider of my future.
For whatever God has laid in front of me, I will take it,
experience it,
get hurt,
be happy,
cry,
laugh,
smile,
and worry.
That's cos I am only human.

The only reason, why I feel like giving everything up because I feel this burden.
It sits on my shoulders like a haunting ghost.
I jst want to rid of this burden, refresh myself, prepare for it,
and when I am ready,
I will face it again.

To those that are judging my faith in God.
Let me tell you one of my new year resolutions in 2010,
which TO HAVE FAITH IN THE LORD.
Ever since last year December,
I have never once doubted Him!
I love Him more than you can imagine.
I praise Him when all is well,
I cry to Him when I am feeling sad.
I asked Him for help when I feel lost.
All these are done in my quiet time, so please stop using the past to judge who am I now.

You know what,
I am going to live my life without anyone but God dictating it.
So goodbye to all those people that will not add value to my life at all.

Thank you - the people whom i talked to for listening.
You guys have been great supports!

take this loneliness and turn it into dance

i hate long bus/train rides,
or just simply taking a long walk alone.

the lonely serenade.
the meaningless thoughts.
the umpteenth assumptions.

but,
I love long bus/train rides,
or just simply taking a walk alone.

the magic in my head when i put on my ipod.
the dance that flows naturally in my mind.
the choreography that i didn't intend to do.

oh, i love you,
my dance,
my song,
my life.

melancholy

i had a sudden realisation.
and i'm pretty sure it is not a good thing.

i really want to get away with someone special.
get away and breathe.

i hope the tears dry tonight.
the tears in my heart.

2010 oh 2010!

a new year, a new post, a new life?

i was reading all my old entries due to this unexplainable emotional wave that swept me over.
got me thinking of someone.
someone that i used to care about very deeply.
i realised, we didn't even have much contact.
but i felt that we cared for each other deeply...
and before you know it, POOF, time flies and you guys lost contact.

so people, right noe, today,
if you have someone you truly care about and have yet to express your thanks/appreciation or even some good ol' lovin,
do it before you start regretting. :)

i guess i really did regret afterall.
i wonder how he is doing now, but that's all in the past.
looking forward to this year.

but but but...
i hope i can get to enjoy my birthday/CNY/valentine's/GEMS 5.
i am so stressed and tired that i am having a splitting headache.
okay, pictures soon.
mind, body and eye coordination got problem already...
NIGHT!