Maybe Baby

I guess it is difficult for two people from different worlds to be together.
So many factors...
Say baby, how are we gonna make it through?
I wished things could be easier, like how we wanna be.
Open and free.

All time low

Why are these thoughts running through my head?
Thoughts of giving up on You.
Thoughts of You not giving me enough.

I feel frustrated, angry and tired of always begging for it.
Am I not ready? Am I not good enough?
What am I working so hard for then?

I wish I can say goodbye to everything.
But I know, even when I am gone, nobody will care.
Not even You.
I am so irreplaceable that You have to think of me this way.
I am tired...

A Christmas Carol

Whenever the smell of rain hits me,
the scene of streets littered with pedestrians carrying umbrellas,
reminding me... THAT CHRISTMAS IS COMING!

I love Christmas! More so than Chinese New Year (I'm only in it for the ANGPAOS. Muahahaha). However, Christmas is so different! There is warmth, love and joy in the air! Christmas the season of giving, not just materialistic goods but plain love. Hus, kisses, homemade family dinners and many more! Though the boyfriend insisted it is a commercial festial, I mean like who cares? As long as we feel the joy (Jesus was born on Christmas, so God gave this world a blessed joy!) and being surrounded by your loved ones, I think that's the bet feeling in the entire world!

I don't realy dig partying on Christmas, I would rather sit by a fireplace (In Singapore, we have to substitute with matches and candles, better still sit in front of a stove!), snuggle next to my Baby and watch a rented DVD with the entire family whilst having dinner! Nice right? I bet you all want it now! HAHAHA!

Anyway, we all know that since Christmas is nearing, the Christmas-related movies will definitely hit our shores really soon. One movie that is getting everyone excited is... A CHRISTMAS CAROL!

Synopsis:
Disney’s A Christmas Carol, the classic Dickens’ tale, is re-envisioned by Academy Award®-winning filmmaker Robert Zemeckis in a groundbreaking 3-D motion picture event starring JIM CARREY, GARY OLDMAN, BOB HOSKINS and ROBIN WRIGHT PENN.
Ebenezer Scrooge (JIM CARREY) begins the Christmas holiday with his usual miserly contempt, barking at his faithful clerk (GARY OLDMAN) and his cheery nephew (COLIN FIRTH). But when the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Yet to Come take him on an eye-opening journey revealing truths Old Scrooge is reluctant to face, he must open his heart to undo years of ill will before it’s too late.

Do you know Jim Carrey plays 4 roles in this movie? I thought Lindsay Lohan would have a hard time playing 2 roles (twins) in Parent Trap, Jim Carrey! He owns all with this epic 4 roles! Woo-hoo!

The chracters he plays include:

1. Scrooge, an old miser who is the lead character of this show.

2. Ghost of Christmas Present

3. Ghost of Christmas Present

4. Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Come

Interesting? Have no idea what I am talking about?
Check out the trailer!

A CHRISTMAS CAROL” OPENS IN SINGAPORE CINEMAS 19 November 2009!

EVERYONE PLEASE GO CATCH IT AND ENJOY YOUR CHRISTMAS! :D

For now, just keep living!

Selling Post

All prices are quoted in SINGAPORE DOLLARS.

1. AUTHENTIC Creative Recreation - The Galow Hi in Silver and Navy, US 6 ($140)

BRAND NEW

Why so expensive?

It is out of stock and the shipping costs from USA were a bomb.

Selling it cos' it is too small for me!

2. Wild Rose Gold Embellished Wedges ($20)

Condition: Worn once (light usage) = 9.5/10

US 6.5

Selling it away cos I hardly wear it, might as well give it to a better owner.

3. Adidas Americana Mid NBA ($25)

BRAND NEW

US 7

4. Soda Black Pumps with Black heart locket, US 6.5.

Fits 6.5 and smaller.

BRAND NEW

Anyone interested please leave an email at samansarii@gmail.com or leave a message at my tagboard.

Thanks!

Social House & Bei's 21st

Hello hello!

Sorry I have been away for awhile, while I am typing this, I have a sudden surge of missing Joyce! Have fun in Hongkong though~ Haha! :) Anyway, I have tonnes to update! Beifang's 21st and yesterday's night at Social House.

Okay, Social House first, I don't like the management but I love the crowd/music/people I am with. One big boo boo happened last night after the cops came for a screen check, all of us had to evacuate the club. My bag was in the locker and I went to the loo before I left the club and technically I washed my hands after that. However, during the re-entry, my entry pass on my arm got washed/sweat/wiped off, told the door bitch and the bouncer that my bag was inside already, they don't give a damn, told me to pay for my entry again! LIKE WTF! Even if I pay, may bag is inside, how am I supposed to get it? Anyway, thank God for this guy who had an extra entry and I managed to get in! :)

Let's wait for pics from Kat and Ahlee from last night!

Okay, Bei's 21st below!

Her favourite M&Ms on the walls!

Her cake! It was delicious~

Her entire family!

Haha we decided to mess around and...

HAHAHAHA! It was fun with all these people!

la vie en rose

everything has changed.
my position, my thoughts, my life.

i wonder.
i really wonder.
is there meaning to this at all?

for the past two years of my life, every since I accepted Christ,
so many things have changed.

every time i reflect, i still wonder, what there is in store for me left.
i don'tknow if i want it anymore.

ahhh. so complex.

i don't know how to put this

You know how it feels like to be balancing on the edge of the road shoulder, you have to look ahead and be very straight and still. Walking with confidence on this long narrow road ahead. I feel like that now, minus the confidence and I am stumbling all over. I hopeits cos' I am tired, PMSy and all the shit. I don't get it, why do I have to constantly put down myself every time when the period's nearing? It is a vicious cycle that I am sick of.

I wished I had more friends, good friends, best friends, whatever. I know I am not very sociable, neither am I initiative, plus I have this major traffic jam face. It just refuses to soften. I ain't pretty, neither am I slim, I am straightforward (tone down al lot already loh!) and not many people like that. I wish my social circle will broaden and for me to open up more. I don't know why I always clam up whenever I see people, I get nervous and eh yeah... So if you wanna make friends with me, I am pretty open! Haha, like self advertising.

This week was a really lonely one, thanks to Ah Lee Lee and Beibei for spicing up my weekends. I really gotta thank Ah Lee for inviting me to the OTT gathering with the other girls, it was the first time this week I had so much fun! Thanks you all~ Beibei, thanks for hanging out with me today! Sigh sigh, now money issues are a big problem!

OH YEAH! Speaking of which, ReVogue, the payment is here, so can someone text me their account number so I can transfer one of you the money? We transfer one by one can? If not will be very taxing on me. Okay, you all don't read this blog anyway. Hahaha!

2 more days! Hope my baby can pacify me for the whole of the next few weeks. My love supply, happiness supply, comfort supply and money supply. LOL! Kidding. I just want him to accompany me. One week was long! :)

Okay, I love the 6 readers who read my blog today. LOL.

Bunny hop out~

6 days more to You and I

These days past so slowly, like how the long nights of winter are coming to stay, like the wait of the maiden, for her soldier to return.

Week 3 of the intership and I am already looking forward to more holidays and the week of Week 16. Goodness, I don't even know if I am able to survive the working world right now. I mean, I am able to do my tasks and such, but I wished hours can be more flexible and the environment more fun. Seeing how a company works makes me wanna be a student forever! Geez, I shall stop complaining and get on with the next 72 days.

Yesterday was Karaoke madness at Beibei's! Okay at least I was mad and enjoying myself, my lungs were getting a breather which I felt rather refreshed for the start of the week! Okay, back to Beibie... It was her 21st big bash, I realised I forgot to hug her :( Major booboo! The food was awesome, the cake was dope and the company was great! I hoped she had a great time despite being so busy and uncoordinated! Lol. 21st birthdays are so expensive. I'm gonna work hard and save all my money so that I will be able to pay for it!

Anyway, Daddy bought me my new phone! I owe my parents alot of money now. $480 to my Mum, $178 to my Dad, so much so that I am going to get a 3rd job! Meiqi (thank God for her!) asked me if I wanna tuition a Primary One kid English, and I was like "Okay!". It's near my place and the time slots are flexible! Yeah! If I have that job, I will be holding on to three jobs now! Whoa! I need to be a superwoman soon!



Aside from all those worldly issues, I find myself questioning the relationships that I have. No matter where I go, I will never fit in. Always the "extra" in any group of friendships that I have. Even though I tried my best to put in effort in all of them, but somehow, people will not remember me. It is always them and some other people, them and someone else. I am not saying this out of hurt/feelings or what. I just took a sit back and observed everything that's going around me. I really feel that the only people who will be at my funeral is my family... and perhaps Kaiwen. I don't know how to say this, I just felt that it does not matter who I bother about anymore. Cos' no matter what, that person will find someone else in the end. Guess my true friends are the ones that will bother to understand all this shit? Haha. I don't even get it in the end. Oh well, this is Life.

hahahehehoho

Hey all, it's Week 2 of SIP and I can't wait for it to end already!

So much for being committed and such. I mean I love my job, the environment, the people and the freedom to do things. However, I dread waking up early and stoning after lunch. I don't know... Won't you guys feel sleepy after lunch? I will feel like taking a nap, but I feel so unproductive after that time, my heavy eyelids seemed to have a mind of it's own. I can't help but say, I am so jealous of Joey and Andy! One gets to go on a company trip to Taiwan, the other will get the incentive of return Hongkong flights! Ugh! Me wants to go on a holiday too!!!!!!!!!! Take me away please! With people I love and care about that is! :)

Hurhurhur. Tomorrow will be a looooong day. Teach the kids in the early afternoon, head to Advance Class hiphop @ TP thereafter, Cellgroup/Church... BEFORE I CAN MEET MY BABY! Heh. I miss him so much. Even though we see each other at times for dinner etc, we are, or at least I am too tired to talk and happy enough to just see him and hold his hand! Can we makeout soon?!?!? LOLOLOLOLOL.

Okay, I gotta save money. I reckon expenses this month will be pretty high as I'll be getting a new phone. Really want a Blackberry Bold, but if it's too expensive I guess the Nokia E71 should be fine. :) Daddy surprised me by saying he'll go check out from his friends how much it'll cost. I wonder... If I really can afford it. Ugh. Save money now!! I still have $480 outstanding credits to my Mum. I wanna save for Graduation Trip too. I guess it's tough as I really want to support myself in terms of basic expenses. Hmmm.

Okay, time out! Watching Sun Live @ Facebook now!!!!!!!!!!! Wee~

in despair

I am not angry.
I am hurt, upset and insecure.
I couldn't do anything about it just now as I still had to be professional and teach.

Insecurity sets in, I ain't thinking too much, it's just that certain things that was said and done made it this way.

I just hope tomorrow will be a better day for you and me. :)

This song expresses how I feel.
Ahn Trio - All I Want

Too many times, I have wondered
What all the tryin' is for.
You come around, I feel so down
I'm gonna drown
'Cause I know that you've fallen short

But do you know?
Doesn't change
The way I feel 'bout you, at the end of the day
'cause I know, that I all I want is what you got.
All I want, is what you got.

Too many times, I have wanted
To turn around and walk away
Knowing deep inside, I can't provide
What I need from you, anyway

Do you know?
Doesn't change
The way I feel 'bout you, at the end of the day
'Cause I know
That all I want is what you got
All I want is what you got

Tell you that I wanna go
But I wanna stay
Tell you that I wanna go
But I wanna stay
Tell you that I wanna go
But I wanna stay
I wanna stay
I wanna stay
I wanna stay

But I know I'm gonna lose myself this way

I wanna stay
I wanna stay
I wanna stay

But I know I'm gonna lose myself this way

Do you know?
Doesn't change
The way I feel 'bout you, at the end of the day
'Cause I know
Aall I want is, what you got
All I want is what you got

But this
Romantic
is all
I got

the 'think too much' relationship blues

I don't know if it's cos I'm tired or what. I find myself thinking about my relationship more often than not. So I decided to try out one of Facebook's more frequently used applications "What does God wants you to know..?", and I got the answer.

On this day of your life, Samantha, we believe God wants you to know...
... that every relationship rests on three legs: accepting, supporting and challenging.

That's really it, isn't it? You want your relationships to be grounded on accepting each other as you are. On supporting each other through the inevitable ups and downs. On challenging each other to become more, to grow, to flourish. Which one of these is the more difficult one for you, and how are you going to practice it in the next 24 hours?




Hahaha!
Time to move on for the day, not think so much, trust him and support him! :)

I love God and I love Kaiwen!

BLOODY HELL

I'm so bloody pissed with myself.

There was SIP lauch today on 7th September, the event starts at 9.15am and we had to be seated by 9.30am. Okay, I noted that down and I planned to sleep early anyway, I went to bed at about 9pm on Sunday and recall setting the alarm at 7am.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFED UP ME.

I overslept.

I jolted awake at 9.35am and I started panicking/crying/hurling abuses/throwing all my stuff on the floor. I wanted to stab myself in my head and fling that lifeless body into an ocean of piranhas. HOW CAN SOMEONE SLEEP FOR MORE THAN 12 HOURS?!?!!?

Luckily, I met Paul Ng and had the courage to go into the LT. I was so angry with myself to the extend that I was unable to forgive myself for sleeping so long. Pissed off. Anyway, it has already passed, I don't know if I'll get an academic penalty or whatsoever, I'm just even more angry when I hear that. I don't understand.

SHITTYASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.



I just wanna thank my baby for being there for my tecnologically via mobile. Lol. I was in a mess and he told me not to worry. Even though he isn't the most romantic/sweetest/thoughtful/sensitive boyfriend, he tries to be there whenever possible. For this I thank him with all my heart.

GLEE

Yay! Thanks to Ayozi's help I managed to get my blogger alive and kicking again!

WOOTS!

However, I still can't seem to be able to post photos on the site. So bear with it for a lil longer while I try and play around with html codes and cache issues.

For now, enjoy this stupid plain blog!

pissed

Before I start getting fucking pissed.
I just wanna say, you can say whatever you like.
Please KNOW the details and the entire situation before you make a judegement on something/someone.

I feel pissed cos I have to reschedule an event on Friday for the third time in a row because of...
Yeah, of cos no one knows about it cos as usual I didn't say.
I just don't feel the need to, I don't have to tell every single person I meet what I am about to do.
However, this will lead to a lot of misunderstandings and what not and I am fucking pissed because of that.
It's like I have to sacrifice for something and yet...
What about the others? Why do we always have to do it your way?

I'm just mad that sch things can happen, when it can be avoided.
I am also mad at myself for saying selfish things in the heat of the moment.
ANGER MANAGEMENT!

By the way, can someone tell me what's wrong with blogger?
It's fucked up too!

Okay recital results are out I don't know whether to be glad or sad?
Seriously.
I just feel that some people are just lucky and I am gonna hibernate and not FUCKING SHARE ANYTHING ANYMORE SINCE NO ONE BOTHERS TO HELP AND MY RELATIONSHIP IS GOING FINE THANK YOU.

the road to solitution

I don't know what to say.
For something like this that shouldn't have happened.
It's like everything that built up, went all the way back to square one again.

Nobody bother to see, just sticking to their own opinions and actions.
Sometimes, I really don't see a point in it.
I don't know why I keep allowing myself to get pulled in.

Just imagine, the things you said and done to someone you love,
and that moment was the deciding factor to make or break it,
it could have been your last with the other party.

Why don't people take chances in that moment?
Grab hold of opportunties, instead of living life in regret.
I want to make the most of life, before it gives up on me.

I'm planning for the future already, I don't know if it'll happen,
but I know for certain parts of my life, I am unsure if it'll stay the same.

I read this book by James Patterson just the other day,
Suzanne's Letters for Nicholas.
It touched my heart, I recall the book saying.
In life, there is a rubber ball and the rest of them are glass balls.
What are the glass balls?
Health. Family. Friends. Relationships.
Rubber ball?
Work.
Dropping one glass ball means shattering everything, but the rubber ball will always bounce back no matter what.
Okay, I know I don't explain things well, but I hope you guys who read understand what I am trying to say.

I think it just hurts when the people that matters most in your life do not bother at all.
Ah, freakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

blah 2

I've been pretty busy lately and I have many things to update about, for example Bangkok Trip 2009, filming for KFC commercial, training for Hair Show showcase, hanging out with JJ at Orchard Central etc.

I am just too tired and plain lazy to do it right now, just wanna muck around in bed, fall asleep and live in my dreams. I really hate this part right here, this period of moodswings just before my period starts. Moodswings + Tired = VERY PMSY. I still know how to control la, but I feel so uneasy and frustrated all the time. I have tried very successfully to keep my cool, except for that one time with Mum, I completely blew up and WW3 almost occurred.

I can't stand it when people touch my things now.
I hate it when the Boyfriend 'plays' with other girls.
Can't take it when he doesn't give in to me (very selfish i know).
I will get pissed when I talk about irritating people.
Can't stand some people.
Cannot stand myself even more.
ARGH.

Okay, I must just psycho myself to think that periods are a good thing.
Hurhurhur.

I feel so unloved.

All the best to Appendix D and the other TPDE teams!

Life

i guess the reason why i was afraid to come back is because i was afraid of this.
i forgot to breathe again.
i wonder is it because i felt so relaxed there,
the problems/work related issues back home are just stressing me out.
i get scared when i gasp for air later.
how can i not breathe?


people just don't appreciate the things they have for now.
yes, you can have a lot of things,
that are too complicated and too tough for you to handle,
but when someone is gone,
regret wouldn't bring you anywhere.

you might think that person/thing will always be here.
but that isn't the case,
people move on,
things depreciate over time.
why can't you just make the most of what you have now?

sometimes, waiting isn't the best option at all.
don't take things for granted.
love someone wholeheartedly,
not just based on words,
but through actions and sincerity.

the unfortunate past

everytime i read about your past,
about what she writes about you,
and all that you had done for her,
i think about the times you told me your feelings for her.

i wondered why i didn't step in first?
perhaps cos everyone will be and was on her side,
making me feel insignificant,
like i shouldn't belong,
where there isn't space for me.
the insecurity sets in,
and all i can think about is what will happen from now on.

i don't know.
what matters most is that we're together now.

SAWADEE BANGKOK!

HELLO EARTHLINGS! SAWADEEKA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Greetings from Bangkok! We are all doing good, but we miss everyone back home. Except for Kat and Sayliang of cos, they have each other here!

Anyway, I feel that I have put on weight despite the amount of spicy food I have consumed for the past three days! DIE!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to lose weight like crazy when I get back home.

Another funny thing, Meichin and I are the only ones in the Cybercafe typing away like crazy! Tryng to make the most of our time and BAHT here!

Okay, shall post more when I get back home.

And, if you guys miss me just text me okay! It's nice to see people texting me when I am in a foreign land, especially someone who didn't even bid me goodbye nor texted me till I asked Joyce to ask him to!!!! :(

Hahaha! I love you baby.

I just feel so insecure right now... Hmm.

RCA tomorrow and perhaps Khao San!

Bye bye! :)

BANGKOK CALLING!

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Samansarii's big travel day is finally here!!!!!!!!!
WE ARE GOING TO BANGKOK IN 5 HOURS TIME!

So eggciting! :)

Okay, this blog will be dead for awhile, not as if it's very happening here.
See you mamacitas and papas!

I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND, FRIENDS AND FAMILY! :)

WHY WHY WHY WHY?

When I started this post I wanted to vent all my anger in here.

Now, all I can think about, or should I put it in another way, are all the worries that build up inside my puny head.

It is not that I do not have faith in myself or my life. It is a next phase now, how will I get about doing it?
Seriously, I don't know how am I gonna keep up with it.

This is the reason why I cannot let life lead me and just be merry and smile. This is the reason why I have some reasons, likes/dislikes of doing things. This is also the reason why, nobody can understand me and some people actually dislike me for it as they think I am stubborn. The thing is, they don't understand what I am going through and I do not blame them for it. This is life. I cannot please everyone, everyday I try my best just to please myself and the people I love. Yes, that is my priority, therefore my mind has no other space for other people/friends who are acquaintances. Sorry, but it is true. If I cannot make it up to myself and my close ones, least to say for the other people.

Everything seems so difficult now, I wanna dance. I can dance, but the body fails my thereafter. Multiple health problems start to rise and it is difficult to even just stand without my mind spinning/blanking out now. Financially, I am trying to get more jobs, it is tiring and shit. I am trying! I really need the money, to support myself so that I will not be a financial burden to my parents. Does anyone understand? I am also constantly under pressure in this family, I have to do well in school, mediate the relationship between my parents and lighten the financial load. I am trying my best, can anyone see it? No. Okay, I sound like I am complaining here, but I just need to release it somewhere that I will not get into trouble. Kaiwen seems so far away now. Everyday we have little or no communication at all. I totally understand that since he is joining Suntec, he will not have additional time to accompany me. In fact, I want to be supporting him all the way and I really hope they make it to the finals and bring glory to TPDE once more! GO GO GO! However, I cannot help but feel lonely. We talk for at most 15 minutes on rare occasions, text once a day at most? He is always busy and I am supposed to be studying, not thinking of him.

OK STOP!

I shall quiit drowning in my misery and start doing something.

I will get another job, yes my third job to support myself.
I will do well for tomorrow's paper.
I will not have thoughts that Kaiwen is cheating on me. (Okay, I had before.)
I will be faithful to him no matter how long we have not talked.
I will Dance my heart out.
I will always remember the people who appreciate me and love me, yes all my dear friends!!!


Goodnight Folks~

ugh

I CAN"T EFFING BREATHE PROPERLY!

Please tell me I am just hyperventilating.
Mum's forcing me to the clinic tomorrow. :(

I AM FREAKING HEALTHY!



:(

Long Weekend

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I've had a crazy weekend.

Let me see, Friday, went for an interview, doubt I will get it though, the girls are super competitive, somehow I want it cos' I need income! Headed to Dempsey for the first time after that, visited Spa Espirit to my wax. I am hairless now, double yay! Went to look for Meiqi after that. I swear Ion LOVEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS me. I walked for about 15mins before I found Burger King and another 15mins to get out of that friggin' place! It's huge and nice, but I hate the crowd! Headed to opposite SMU's 7-11 to look for the Boyfriend after that, chat and went home.

Saturday, taught class to a bunch of kids. Headed to Expo for evening Church service, off to Far East to meet a couple of cool kids. Watched Orphan, the movie is seriously disturbing, half the time I was covering my eyes with a hoodie and my fingers were stuck in my ears. Didn't bring my keys so I bunked in Kevin's house with JJ. I slept first before they headed to Dreamland. :)

Sunday, got up at 9am, prepared for Sentosa outing. Had tonnes of fun! Love, love, love! Slept like a baby after that.

Today, I woke up with a splitting headache and the ache goes right down to my lower back. Not a good feeling at all. Felt sick the entire day, coughing, aching, puking. Ugh.

Need to study soon, I spent the entire day recuperating from the tiresome weekend. On a lighter note, I am heading to BKK this Sunday! Can't wait to leave Singapore and shop like a fanatic.

Okay ciao!

Weird

My body's weird.

Period's been here for almost a week.
Usually it last about 5 days?

I don't know what's wrong.
Stress?
Too much alcohol?
Lack of sleep?
Loss of appetite?
WHAT?!?!

I'm getting really irritated.















To someone I know, I am happy yet sad at the same time when I found out you have someone else in your life.
Hmmm.
Though this weird mix of feelings, I will give you my blessings. :)

Land of Smiles

It's been some time I have anything happy to write about.

The end semester tests are coming, this Thursday and Friday as well as the last paper on 14th of July to be exact. Oh well, all is good. I have been pretty diligent in my revision and am mugging the entire afternoon in school till the lab closed. Things have been going well. I feel much better now after Friday. It's good that I have someone that I can relate to, who understands and tries her best to guide me. Thank you Gin.

The next good news is....

I AM GOING TO BANGKOK!

I know! It is so sudden. I reckon it'll be a good getaway for me. To take a timeout and just relax and have fun, doing what girls do best... SHOPPING & EATING!!! I'll be away from the 16th to 20th August! Don't miss me much. Luckily, I have my flygirls Chin and Kat to accompany me, okay okay I never forget about Sayliang! HAHAHA~

I am so eggcited for the trip. Can't believe we are actually going on holiday! Initially we were just casually talking about it and now all the plans are put into place! I cannot wait for it to happen!

Before that, I need to do well for my papers and work hard in teaching my dance students! Really thankful to God that this trip is finally surfacing! Thank you!

Hmm.. on a sidenote, naval piercing anyone?

clarification

Just to clarify things that people might assume.

We did not fight/argue/get pissed at each other.
There are just too many misunderstandings now that caused this relationship to turn sour.
The issue was not about us at all, it was just a problem that I have.
However, neither party spoke clearly to clarify the misjudgement causing us to blame each other.

I don't understand why we always go through this.
The reason being that we think we will stay by each other's side forever, has blinded the fact that none of us made the effort to change ourselves for each other.
He had to change his bad habits, being late, laziness, showing more concern and taking initiative.
I have to change my ways too, less possessive, less sensitive and change my personality.

I know some people, me included, will think why do we have to change for each other?
I really did accept him for who he is wholeheartedly, just that all these nitpicking resulted in the inability to do so.

Somehow when I see change, I feel that I cannot be myself anymore.
I have to be aware of what I say, what I do.
Not just to him, but my friends, because, everyone else will be judging.

I don't know if you will be angry when I post this.
I just want to clarify things with people, do not misunderstand that we got a fight etc.
It was a misunderstanding between both of us and we just had to trash things out.

I didn't know how long this relationship will last.
I once thought it was very stable and I was certain that he is the one.
Now, we're hanging on a thin line.
None of us are trying anymore, perhaps we are both tired and both of us want to pursue our personal goals.

God has played a very cruel joke on me and I am only blaming myself for that, because I did not know how to handle it.
So to everyone who hates me, you guys should be rejoicing right now.
I brought my own downfall.

I don't expect Kaiwen to love me anymore, neither do I expect him to tell me so.
I never once expected anything from this relationship.
Him yes, but not this relationship.
I just purely wanted his love and to give him my love.

I just have to pick up the pieces and move on.
Sometimes, I really do wish that he could hold my hand and tell me not to be silly, he'll always be here to love me.
But, the sometimes are just my own wishful thinking.

Funny how I am typing this, tearing silently and my mother is snoring beside me. O.O
Hahaha!

Somehow, deep inside of me,
I wish all these never happened.
Yes, it makes the relationship stronger, only when both parties are willing to work it out.
I just hope that this time around, we will really be there for each other.
Making this work the second time around.

All I can do now is to pray for good times ahead.
I will disappearing for awhile now to recollect my thoughts.

I just hope you will be there, my love.

tired

i finally know why people get depressed.
the mind and the people around them are oblivious to it.
i don't know what to do anymore.

actually, i have been thinking.
it doesn't really matter if i die young.
i won't regret it.
i am not suicidal or anything.
i just can't seem to see my future ahead.

is there someone here for me?

i don't know if i can carry on anymore.

you might think i'm stupid blah blah blah.
maybe i really am.
i am at my wits end.
i don't even know myself anymore.

goodbye.

Of swollen eyes and shrinking hearts.

Today I spent my time with Joey, Jean and T.Didi. Lol.
It was fun! I laughed so much that I think my stomach shrank! Awesome~
Heard a lot of issues, I hope it this will enlighten the seniors and make them solve the problem instead of just listening and not taking action.
Really glad that some of them are serious about this!

Next...

I don't know to laugh or to cry. I'm happy yet hurt by the action.
Just makes me wonder, is my existence on earth worth anything at all?
I was bawling my eyes out in the shower just now, I kept questioning myself.
Why are my opportunites always taken away? Why do people take me for granted?
Is my existence on earth making an impact on people at all?
I just feel so invisible.
I can only talk to myself here, since no one reads! LOL.
I am a nobody...
In fact, I don't feel like existing here anymore.

Everyday my heart grows smaller and smaller,
everyday someone breaks my trust and moves on with their lives,
leaving me stuck behind.
Everyday, i only tell myself to love myself.
I am fucking sick of getting hurt.
Why is God doing this to me????????????

I can only remain true, trusting everyone all the time.
Too easily.
I am always like that.

And... what do I get?

HURT.

(i am not talking about my boyfriend.)
(just to clarify.)
sighs.

Thanks JJ for your words and somehow you're always around to listen to me rant, Joey for your Beard Papa & NicoleClaire for the MAC Eyeliner and Star studds from BKK! :)

MJ Dance Tribut & Timbre: Substation

Just got back from dinner with my girls at Timbre: Substation. Frankie came and join us to meet Joyce, his baby! :D
Food was good, beer was not awesome. HAHAHAHA!

I really like the Duck Pizza! It tastes really fragrant and just like what you get from roasted duck stores, just in a pizza form!
Yum yum.

Oh! The seafood pizza was great too. Mussels, prawns and squid! My favourite three. (Okay dear Oyster, I will not forget you!!!!)

Had Erdinger White Beer, frankly I'm not a beer person. Just to go along with the crowd, I shared a pint with Bei.
It's awful! I hate the bitter taste, it makes me contort my face in the weirdest ways.
I realised I have a habit of putting my food/drinks in my mouth first to fully taste the thing that I am eating.
Thus, making beer drinking an awful experience.
However, this beer is defi nitely one of the better ones I have tasted, the more I drink it, the better it tastes! So it's alright after awhile. :D
The funny thing was, it got us really red, like a lobster and some what high and ticklish.
We just kept laughing alot, if I'm not wrong.

Joey was the reddest!!!! I can see her redness in the dark. Imagine how red she will look under light! Joyce didn't drink much at all, her sips amount to 1/4 of a cup. LOL.
Serene and Bei are the weird drinkers, they got weird.
Meichin the alcoholic seemed to have held her liquor well! :)

It's really fun hanging out with them, would love to do this more often soon!
Next up is Holland Village if I'm not wrong! :)




By the way for all Michael fans out there, I received this message on Facebook!
A MJ tribute flashmob! How cool eh! Read, learn, dance and join the fun!
More details will be up soon! :)

---------------Message (from Flashmob Vivocity)-------------
1) Michael Jackson Dance Tribute30th July 2009 (Thurs),6.45pm to 7pm, GV

Note: You DO NOT need to have any dance experience. You just need to know how to have fun!

Similar to:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVJVRywgmYM

Actual Dance Segment to Practise (4th minute to 4 minutes 20 seconds)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WObfcDIf6lY

Reward: 1 GV movie ticket per participant

Rehearsal: There will be a dance rehearsal for those who are interested; it should be on a Tues or Wed night, but venue and timing is pending. A facebook group invite (with full details) will be sent out on Monday night. So for those whose friends are interested too, keep a lookout!2)

Mission:Singapore Flash Mob (The Longest Queue)15 August 2009, 2:30pm - 4:30pm
Join the facebook group "Mission: Singapore (M:SG)" for more details!

----------------------END OF MESSAGE------------------------
I'm so going for this event! Anyone with me? :D

Soul Mate

Today during Cellgroup, Kenny asked us to write down who we think of as a bestfriend.
I thought for a moment, yet I could not pen down any name.
Yes, I did think of many people, all of whom I considered as my bestfriend.
However, it just isn't the same.
Soulmate where are you?
The person that I thought was once my soulmate, turned out to be a fraud.
Hmmm.
I need an answer.

Rahhhhhhhhhhh.

I hate it when people run away from me.
Makes me wanna do the same to them too.
Especially so when they hide and know that you're still here.
They just wanna get away from you without facing it.
I'm so freaking tired of this.
So next time when I run and hide from you, you can't blame me.
Cos' you're doing the same to me too.


When you tell me you're happier spending time with other people, it makes me not want to carry on anymore.

Relax, Choya!

Hello People~

I'm finally having some free time to do some blog update! Okay, I kinda completed my Sales Management Project. Stressing I tell you! It's terribly horrible, the past few days that I have been rushing for the project. I think only those people in marketing can understand this tormented process! Hahaha~

Anyway, I'm here to advertise that our Lorencia & Chong has set up a new store! It's fun, quirky, unique and colourful! HappyBurgers is set up over dinner at Aston's one night by the two lovable people and they are set to bring in not just apparels but knick knacks from all over! Please support them! Their stuffs are selling fast! I already missed out on the Black Kimono Top which I really really love! Collection 2 will be coming out soon y'all! Show some love and support!

Okay, I seriously need to do some shopping now. I am contemplating whether I should purchase Creative Recreation shoes from Karmaloop or save it for a Bangkok Trip! What do you guys suggest? I want them both, but you know in life you make choices! Alot of stuff that I need to get now:

• Perfume


• BB Cream


• Slippers


• HOLIDAY


• SHOPPING

Hahaha! All material goods! heh, but shopping makes us happy yeah!

Oh by the way, my back's half a goner. Seems like my old problem is back again and I need time to recuperate. Hmmm. What a time!

Things to do on a weekend so busy.

- Complete Sales Management Project
- Complete D.I.C Assignment 2
- See Doctor for back & skin
- Visit to Kinokuniya
- Have a nice dinner
- Go for Cellgroup
- Go to Church
- Dance ministry training
- WATCH HARRY POTTER! (anyone wanna go?)

Facts about Sam (whoisgonnakillherselfifshedoesnotgooutandhavefunnow)

I haven't left my laptop/house in 48 hours.
I have been living on a do project, eat, sleep basis for 2 days.
I have yet to take a shower for 12 hours.
I did not have any fun since Wednesday.

I am going crazy in 9825973702137070370270 MILLISECOND.

SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life

I find myself struggling to sleep every night.
Whatever position that I sleep it, it is just so darn uncomfortable that I will toss and turn for hours before falling asleep on my bed.
During that unfortunate time, I will be thinking about Life.
Dance, Relationships, Religion, Money, School, Health.
Everything just seems to flood my mind within that time span.

It's difficult now.
Everything seems so different.
When I look back and see, I find myself being happy most of the time during the early stages of Poly life.
I'm not saying I ain't happy now, it's just that things change.
I don't quite understand this part, is it cos I was just plainly following my ambitions?
Simple-minded, living the life that I never experienced?
Just plainly naive and enjoying every single moment of it?
Hmmm. I don't quite know the answer.

I'm struggling with the fact that,for how long my body will be able to sustain me if I were to pursue a dance career.
Can I make it?
Will I be able to afford risking everything for it?
Can I support my family?

Then it draws down to the relationships that I have.
Am I a good friend?
Am I loving my boyfriend right? Am I not treating him well enough?
Am I a bad daughter?

Next I would start thinking about my religion.
Why am I always backsliding?
Why am I not able to discipline myself?
Am I suitable to be a Christian?

In fact, I ask myself a million questions before I sleep and somehow my dreams seem to pass me fast.

Can someone give me an answer?
I wish I can have all these routes, which I can't see, drawn out on paper.
Telling me, what I can do, the options in my life when one fails.
I have been prcrastinating time and again to answer everything in my heart.
So afraid to face it.
It is like a permanent fear, haunting me like a ghost.

How much time do I have left?
I just need motivation right now, the gung-ho spirit of "Just whack la!".
It's impossible though.
This is LIFE I am talking about.
Not just some performance on stage, that I can full out 100% and rest later on.
I can't full out in Life, even if I could, how long will it last?

I just need more time to sort out my thoughts, feelings and make a decision.
I just hope my 'easily bored' character wouldn't turn appear.
If not this thing will just keep dragging on and on and on and on.
Yeah, like how can a person be easily bored right?!?!
But, I am such a person.
I get tired of things easily, that's why I always wanna do something, be on the go.
If not I will feel, stagnant, useless or like I am wasting precious time.
So please understand this if I am in any kind of relationship with you (eg. Friends, Boyfriend, Family).

I think this time, it's really changing.
All my decisions now will affect what I am going to do thereafter.
So please God, let me make the right decisions.
All these things, are so darn important to me.

Soul Searching

losing herself in this rapture.
every move she makes,
every step she takes,
its a dance of danger.

I just deleted the entire entry that I wrote.
It's way too depressing right now.
I think I'd like to take a break from all these.
I can't and I won't understand.
Cos I ain't you and I don't know what I am to you.

I feel pretty helpless right now.
It's just a phase.
I'm saying goodbye to now,
I'm sorry.

p.s i think you guys probably wouldn't understand what I'm blabbering about. haha!

Bittersweet Faith by Bitter:Sweet



No regrets
Everything will work out fine
We'll hold our breath
Wait for another sign
I've tastedYour bittersweet faith
My heart aches for you
I'm taking
A moment to say

Everything I do
I do for you
I do it all for you

Lay your sweet
Tears across my broken dream
Don't you speak
A word about the past
You'll need more than I'll ever give
I can't lie to you
I love you
My angel, my sin

Everything I do
I do for you
I do it all for you
Anything, anything for you

Are we're moving in the right direction
What is fate if fate's immersed in shame
A high price for the beauty of perfection
I go when all I want to do is stay

I do for you
I do it all for you
Anything, I do it all for you
Anything for you

CAW CAW CAW! Crows are flying past this barren land.

Too many things happened recently till I lost track of days, time and even the month.

Yeah, Jim Beam Dance Competition is over! I am so glad actually! Can relax and chill now, my entire body was screaming "GIVE ME A BREAK!" on the finals, had bad cramps after that before my 'late' period came. Muahahaha~

Now I am in the misdt of a project rush hour! Three assignments due next week! How am I gonna survive? Plus plus plus, I want to improve in dance again! Just feel like I lost everything that I had acquire during the past weeks. Hmmm... Must make time, die die must make time!

Ugh. Haven't been sleeping well recently, PMS + cramps = Insomnia.

Okay, I shall update some pictures over the weekend, I am having a major laziness syndrome. Someone get me outta it!



i don't know if you people can comprehend,
when you love someone,
you just wanna be with that person 24/7.

tht's the way love goes.


so kiss me and smile for me
tell me that you'll wait for me
hold me like you'll never let me go
cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
dont know when I'll be back again
oh babe, I hate to go.

pissed

You are at the centre of a controversy in your family today. Normally you avoid being the centre of attention, but here you may have no choice. You don't have to live up to other people's demands and expectations. Being true to your right path is the only choice, and only you can decide what is right now.

So effing true.

I seriously can't stand you. What mother hurts her child verbally and physically. You always think that I am trying to give you more problems, but seriously, you are the one.

Effing think too much, do you think I have so much time to think of ways to cause you trouble?

IDIOT.

Every time during this month, I ask myself, have I ever loved you?
I think the answer is still negative.

How can I love someone I harbour so much hate.

Fuck.

I don't understand why you always do this to ruin my life, I really wanna grow up fast and leave sooner because of you.

I don't want you in my life, no matter how much I need you. I don't think I deserve this, fucking me up out of the blue when I did no wrong. Seriously, I just want some peace and quiet, but you always have to ruin it.

I hate you, every time I try, you just have to spoil it.
This time around, I am not gonna try anymore.

butired (busy + tired)

Hello World!

Sorry for being away for so long, I have been pretty busy with Jim Beam Dance Competition, IJ Submissions and Projects! So much so that I have been suffering from fatigue and lack of sleep. The rest day I had on Monday was amazing, I slept, wake up do Ij, sleep, do IJ, sleep, eat and then sleep again. The best day of the week so far.

Anyhoo, congrats to The Epic Crew for being Champions this year, I am really happy for them!!! Even though I feel a little bitter for not winning anything, because of all the hardwork we put into, but I am so glad at least TPDE won something! Really proud of them, now we can show others what we can really do! Especially to all those doubters!

After the event, we stayed and clubbed for a bit, saw many interesting stuffs. Guys in cropped tops and tight fit pants doing their thing, a couple that SHOWED too much and TOUCHED too much and the best of the best would be seeing Xuehui and gang high! LOL. It was hilarious, like suddenly they feel so carefree, like a bird stuck in its cage for too long, suddenly tasting freedom. Funny man! Cannot imagine if Gin was there, ohmygoodness, HAVOC? Wish i could video it down, but I was too busy laughing!

Don't know why I feel damn lousy now, I wonder if all this is adding up to the fact that my period is 2 days late. I just feel like shit and not good enough for anything right now. I wonder when will be my time, all these times of hardwork and sweat is just not enough. I know I have to get over this obstacle again, but after not meeting my expectations time and again, I really question myself, am I good enough? I feel lousy and just bad, I don't know if I can make it as a dancer next time. I know I will be able to pick myself up, but when the next time comes again, I will just be stuck in a rut like this time.

God give me an opportunity.

:(

Is this all?

Sighs.

sick

Fever. Projects. IJ.
Fever. Projects. IJ.
Fever. Projects. IJ.

And the cycle just continues.

Lonely in Gorgeous

At this point of time, I feel extremely burdened by so many circumstances. I felt that my freedom has been restricted, the freedom the write, say, do things that I want. People are always watching and commenting on it, that I don't mind. However, the do not confront me directly, ask me what is wrong, instead they ask someone else.

I feel so irritated at this point of time, is it my fault that they ask you? Should I say "DON'T ASK so and so" next time? So that you wouldn't be so perplexed about it? Is writing such short notes making a big hoo-ha over this issue? I don't think so. I don't have the power to stop people from asking, so I should just limit what I say? Hold back my feelings and emotions.

Frankly, I find it stupid to do so, but its giving you so much problems, I do not have a choice right? I long for the days where I can just not give a damn and write what I want. The freedom of writing, the freedom of speech. I wonder, at this point of time, can someone see eye to eye with me?

Everyone practically label it as my fault without bothering to hear from my side. They just see one side and go with it, never considering my feelings/thoughts towards the problem. Seriously, I do not know what to say to you guys, since I cannot control that behaviour. All I can do is lock up my blog and my profile, and let my close friends read only.

You say I am insensitive, then how about all the others?

Please spare a thought for my feelings.

Right now, I just feel everything is against me. I just have Revogue and nothing else. But thank god for them, they brighten up my day and make me happy. The only time I can say my true honest feelings and they will at least compromise and listen. Thank you girls, lets strive for our goal.


Lonely in Gorgeous from Paradise Kiss (anime)

I dashed out at 0 o’clock in the morning
I kicked the door open
My glass slippers shattered
And my dress tore, too

Hey, aren’t you shocked?
Even if I chased after you, you wouldn’t come
My tears overflow and I can’t run anymore…

It just might be jealousy… It’s-so-pain-ful…!!

“Lonely in Gorgeous” yeah…
Party night… I’m breaking my heart
I want you to find me immediately and embrace me
The headlights shine…where are you bad boy?

Wipe away my tears with the scarf of love
I can’t see anything
I want to scrape up stardust
And hurl it at you

Why do you care?
And yet you are only able to love yourself…
I just might be falling out of love… Is it for real…?!

“Lonely in Gorgeous” yeah…
Party time…won’t bury that
If you’re not here, then the world seems empty
I want to keep dreaming
“I miss you bad boy”
Please don’t shut me inside the glitter
Or I’ll break down

“Lonely in Gorgeous”I’m breaking my heart
Where are you bad boy?
“Lonely in party night”

“Lonely in Gorgeous”
I’m breaking my heart
I miss you bad boy
“Lonely in party time”

“Lonely in Gorgeous” yeah…
Party night…
I can’t laugh
I don’t need anything, just be by my side

“Lonely in Gorgeous” yeah…
Party night…
I’m breaking my heart

Inside of the box of glitter that you left behind
I embrace loneliness and I can’t move
I don’t need anything, just be by my side
Kneel down, look at me
And pledge your love

everything was just an illusion.

Okay, Imma rip out the entire of Nana's post, We disagree, but hold hands. I just find it so meaningful when you are in a relationship. I am really happy for her! Though I have no idea which sneaky Aaron came up and took away my love! Boo-hoo!

Happy Reading! :)


Sometimes looking at my friends with relationships, i get scared of my own.
All those baseless quarrels, hurtful words said upon each other; what happens after the initial adrenaline rush of love you once had, settles down?

Each would take each for granted.

Assuming they should know you the best since they’re your other half but when they don’t, you start playing the blaming game.
And finally, loving them would come to a point whereby it’s too painful and hard.
So you’ll choose the only way out, and that’s to leave.

I’m sure those of us who have been in a relationship before would know what i mean.
Been there, done that.

I firmly believe that if a couple are on off in their relationship, they should just make a clean break once and for all.
If you really love someone, then you would never ever want a break.
No matter how bad a quarrel, no matter how much the anger, no matter how hurt you are.
Because you love them and losing them causes you much more grief than quarrels.
Even if you have to quarrel everyday, as long as by the end of the day you kiss and make up, it’s been a fulfilled day spent with a loved one.
I love him because he smiles at me and means it.

//
Won’t be home for another 2 nights.Loves, :)


You know, when you are in a relationship whereby two of you are not supportive of each other. Somehow, it just wouldn't work out. Love is based on something simple, something also known as Honesty.

If that fails, Trust, Communication, Love, Selflessness would not follow suit. So when the first base of the pyramid breaks, how can you build upon it?

I guess I finally know the reason why, I cannot trust.

?

I don't know how long it'll take. What do you call this, disappointment? Anger? Sadness? I really don't get it why it will always turn out like that. I have been waiting all day for something so simple yet my hopes fail me time and again. Yesterday's happiness can disappear in a blink of an eye. Funny. I don't know what to say anymore. I'm not gonna do anything this time around.

Pictures of Yester-years.

CCA Awards 2009

Kat's 19th Birthday

I have reached the epitome of laziness, too lazy to blog anymore.

Days like this.

"Miss Lee, I want to press the player!"

"Miss Lee, I want to hold your hand!!"

"Miss Lee, ........................."

The constant droning of these little kids are stuck in my head. No matter how mischievious they are, they are still very adorable! My already burnt hand from Arnold's Fried Chicken @ City Plaza, was feeling way my sore then ever! Imagine 4 kids trying to hold your hand. I was literally stuck in a rut. Like what should I do? Then, I cam up with a solution, taking turns. Somehow, it has little effect on one of the boys... Cheeky!

Days like this seem to pass so slowly. After class today, I was feeling super worn out and dreading each movement I make. Just wanna fall into the embrace of my bed and sleepy like there's no tomorrow. But of cos, I can't! I had to walk that 29307349303km path to the bus-stop that has my bus, just to get home. Oh my sore body was calling out to me, but I just had to keep on walking to my destination. On the path there, loneliness kinda hit me hard. I watched the kites flying individually in the sky and I felt like I was one of them. Alone. I contemplated calling people, but I just can't find the right person. Before I get too in my head, my latest book reading collection got me busy and I totally forgot about it.

I love myself! *chuuuuu*

Okay, I am really tired, gotta wake up early for training tomorrow! Yay!

BEEEEAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT ITTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

BUSY BEE!

Hello world.

I AM MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY DRAINED.

Seriously, for the first week of holidays, I feel like I have been rushing non-stop 24/7. I eat for fifteen minutes and I have to jet off to another location. My stomach feels weird and my body is feeling uncomfortable. I just want a holiday! A good break to rest my worn out body. However, everytime that thought comes to my head, i'll think of work, projects, IJs, dance, money, family etc etc.
Samansarii is one unhappy girl. :(

Am i entering mid-life crisis? I'm only 19! Please don't do this to me! Whatever happened to the vibrance of youth and the vitality of being young! I feel like I am 40, and working my ass off for retirement funds already. Okay, the more I say the more I feel like crying, ugh, holiday... celebrate...

Rebel last night was crazy, I laughed till my jaws ache and it is the most unglam club experience I had. I was wearing a dress and dancing the hiphop kinda style with the occasional girls hiphop. Hahaha, I really don't care. Iris and I was like "We pay $20, must lose weight!!". Crazy girls, I love dancing with them! All the weird pattern start coming out (we did a modern inspired item in the club. O.O), so funny yet fun. Get it? Hahaha! However, that will be my last Saturday clubbing night, the cost is high and it makes me fat!!!!!!! (cos some of us went to eat dimsum after that, awesome stuff!!!).

Woke up early the next day to have Father's Day celebration. My goondo mum, thought it is this week, so we kinda celebrated early. It was great though, she initiated the event for the first time! Thus, I had to give dance ministry a miss. Overall, today made me super tired and super duper drained. I just wanna rest in bed for 72 hours. Perhaps, head to the beach, roll around in the sand, get a burn and smell of summer.

Sigh... When will that happen?

The end of a storm.

Dancing makes me happy.
Talking with the flygirls, jj, beibei, erina makes me happy too.

I really thank them for today, to hug me, hear me cry and most of all understand. Really appreciate you girls for that!! I LOVE REVOGUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have been through so much together, all the shitty-ness (if there's such a word) and joy. Till date, I feel that we have really grown as a team. Like we are willing to accomodate, compromise and understand each other better. I like the fact that we can talk openly and honestly with each other now with no grudges or whatsoever. :)

On a side note, I will become stronger. Shall not let things like this happen again, I am willing to accept people for who they are, so please accept me for the way I am. It is just life, you cannot have everything you want, you can work for it but when it comes to relationships, there must always be some form of compromise and understanding.

I still feel flamed for no reason, I guess nobody will truly know the truth accept for me and the other party. Just that the small details are still there that really hurt me. There's so much things thrown at me where I wan to say "But..." as the situation was really unfavourable towards me. Somehow, no one bothers to ask, so I assume they know the whole situation? I still feel angry, hurt and most of all tired. I just wanna enjoy my day before meeting those little kids tomorrow again. Hopefully they will take the class more seriously this time!

God, just give me faith and strength right now. I know I am not perfect, that is why I always come running back to you with broken wings. Just sometimes wish I can just cry out and you would listen and come for me.


Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY NELSON! You are an old man already hitting the big 20! Heh~

Tomorrow will be a better day! I just cannot wait to have some time off to chill by the beach and maybe get a burn or even start melting. Anyone up for it?

More words.

I start to not believe in a lot of things at this point.

Many things are running through my head and its starting to hurt.

Next time, please phrase your words properly. Then such misunderstandings would not have happened. And I will do my part too.

Who am I supposed to turn to now?

I deleted the previous entry because I know what happened. Seems like I cannot trust you somuch anymore, every time I do, you turn your back against me.

MY BLOOD IS BOILING.

I really can't stand this anymore.
FUCK IT!

Look, you were the one who didn't listened and I felt like I was being blamed for something that I didn't do. I SAID: :"It is staring at us, quick walk this way." You know I am afraid of cats, so obviously, the natural instinct I did was to walk furthest away from that animal. AND WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO? You raised your voice at me, ask me what the hell am I doing, why I left you there and walk this side.

For chirst sake, it was just a short distance, but you just didn't want to follow. You weren't attentive towards your surroundings, doesn't mean that I am like you. Fuck. I saw it from a distance, time and time again, you didn't listen to what I said. You think I am trying to be funny and your stupid sarcasm has to come out at that point of time. Say what: "Is the cat here??!?!" You will never understand when someone fears something they will just wanna avoid it. I can't believe you said that, instead of protecting me, you just fucking left me in the lurch and walked off.

You know what, you can tell your side of your story to god knows how many people, YOUR BESTFRIEND or whatsoever. I really cannot take it already. I am so not fucking going to make things up in this relationship.I have always been the one doing it and frankly speaking, I AM SICK OF IT. I felt like I was fighting a war alone, my so-called partner just couldn't be bothered to help. It's not that you don't know, I asked you countless times and all you can say is "Isn't everything alright now?". Like it fucking solves anything.

The problem with you is you don't fucking listen. Sometimes when I am with you, I feel like you aren't there either. Like your mind is elsewhere. You know that is also a form of communication, but obviously you didn't get my point when I said we aren't communicating.

People, you guys might think this is a childish matter, but when all the things that a person has done and you have decided to forgive and not overlook the matter into details, it will just explode one day.

I DIDN'T FUCKING SAY I WAS RIGHT. I knew I was wrong when I just kept walking without you and left first. However, you who didn't listen to what I say and assume whatever, just couldn't even bother to call. So who was the fucked up one?

I think nobody will understand what I am going through. Yes, I think too much, yes I am a straightforward person. However strong I may appear to be, each person has a limit that they can hold. I can forsee so many people looking at me with different eyes, all because of this stupid matter. I am fucking pissed right now and I don't give a damn about what people may say.

I am sick of excuses. Right now, all I can think of is, I WANT MY TBG TICKET which I paid for.

FUCK!

DANCE DANCE BABY!

I AM SO TIRED.

My goodness. Today's the first time I taught kids for Hiphop. Cheeky, mischievous yet super potential dancers. I believe they have a lot of potential man! One girl she has the stature of a ballerina, the other is a agogo dancing kid and the last female looked like she grew up watching Hi-5. However, I feel that the two boys in this class were the ones with a lot of potential, one has what it takes to be a bboy and the other a true blue hiphop dancer!

Seriously, I will just keep trying to impart my knowledge to these young ones and hopefully they will fall in love with dance. I know it is difficult for them to make a decision at such a young age, but seriously, I think it is possible. Check out all the young japanese kid dancers!

I remembered vividly, I was the one who chose dance when I was 5 years old. My mum brought me to a ballet studio and asked me: "Do you want to learn how to dance?" and I replied: "YES!".

Till now, dance has always been with me through thick or thin. I never regretted making that decision. Even though it is tough but Dance has taught me to persevere and has taken all the boundaries the world has set.

Today's advance class was dope. I felt so chill and relax. Reminds me of the old times, during my growing up yearss, I used to dance in my bedroom to these kinda songs. Hmm...I really want a breakthrough this year. I think I should pray to God for more revelations right now, I feel so stagnant and restless.

I am sure, this dance year will be an amazing journey. :)

PMS

I feel horribly PMSy these days.

Like things can get any better, what the hell's wrong? Today was supposed to be a good, fun-filled day and the cramps had to rob away everything. Making me grouchy and easily irritated.

Waiting for the boyfriend's call.

I bet he's sleeping or driving around somewhere again. Hmph.

All I wanna say is, some times words doesn't matter at all. It's not what you say but what you do, that proves whatever you believe in. That's why there are lies in this world. So prove it to me.

The Opportunity of a Lifetime

Gin was telling us about Michael Jackson's last concert and how hundreds flock down to Los Angeles to audition. I did a little research (during the midst of my studying) and found out that. HUNDREDS flew to Los Angeles to audition and there were THOUSANDS of them auditioning. Isn't it amazing? The best part? They picked an entourage of 12 only. I caught glimpses of Rino Nakasone-Razalan, Maryss from Paris and Sophia Boutella in the clip! However, it was rather unfortunate that they did not make the cut.

Still, isn't it amazing? That is really a dancer's opportunity of a lifetime man. Just dancing beside the man himself, is like reaching your goal as a dancer.

Watch the video at: http://www.michaeljacksonlive.com/video.php?vid=5#vid

The shortlisted dancers are US dancers Charles Kapow, Ricardo Reid, Tyne Stecklein, Misha Hamilton, Mekia Cox, Nicholas Bass, Danielle Rueda-Watts and Christopher Grant. As well as, Timor Steffens from Germany, Australian dancer Shannon Holtzapffel, Daniel Celbre and Devin Jamieson from Canada.
(source: http://community.michaeljackson.com/us/news/500-dancers-fly-los-angeles-extraordinary-auditions).

If I had the chance, I would have gone too, it will be an experience that you can never forget!

Anyway, I really admire the dancers that made it through, it just makes me wanna strive for my goals even more!

Singapore Young Talents

You know, some times I really love Singapore for the hidden finds and talents that we have.

Guys, check these videos out, Baby just showed it to me just now. All I can say is, Dharni is awesome! If Kat's still single and crazy without her THUMBIE, she'll probably squeal like a mouse not cat. Hahaha!






Haha! If I had the guts, i'll say 'You're dope!". But I am a chicken. :(
Lol. Anyway, enjoy the video!

Words from the hurt.

Maybe these are just assumptions, I have been wanting to blog about this since last Friday.

How do you gauge a relationship? Be it with your lover, friends and familes. How do you gauge it? It's strange I am talking about this now because, I feel like I have been misunderstanding some things. Or perhaps the other party is.

To me a friend, or maybe some people may term it as close friend, is someone I can call and text easily, meetup to talk about stuffs, just plain hanging out when you are bored and someone that I will not hesitate to spend time with. With that, I already placed them in my circle of friends, this circle of trust that I know they will be there for me no matter what and vice versa.

Perhaps, these are all my wishful thoughts. Perhaps, I am the only one who felt this way. I just find it ridiculous having to segregate into so many layers, to me everyone is the same. Is it because when I did hangout with the others personally, you didn't know about it? Maybe to you guys, it is just plainly termed as hanging out, but to me, I wouldn't even hangout with you if I was not comfortable talking about such topics. All those times were in fact very significant and memorable to me, though short-lived.

How about you girls? I never know how you all feel. I guess I trust and really put my soul in it when it comes to forging relationships. It's just hurtful when things does not appear like how you always think it would be.

I don't understand why must things be so complicated when it is very simple in reality. It is how you think and choose whatever outcome you want it to be. I'm a very straight-laced person, not that I ain't flexible, I can accept certain changes, however, I ain't a programmed robot. I have feelings too. I don't get it, why other people have such simple relationships and I always seem to be stuck in complicated ones.

If you still don't get my point. Take this example, we have been a very big but close group of friends (or at least, you and i presume we are close.),my birthday is coming. The entire big group persuaded me to throw a birthday party. I say, okay I'll plan it. When it comes to the guestlist,I decided, I only want my so-called "closest of the closest" friends, so out of the entire big group, I picked 5, you are not included. How would you feel?

I'm just like that girl being leftout now.

Thank goodness for Kaiwen, even though he is an ass sometimes, he cures my loneliness and makes me happy.

I think that's all I want right now, Happiness.

Dance Factory

Hey guys, the studio that I am currently teaching at Dance Factory, will officially be having their Open House this Saturday on the 6th of June! Do come down and show some support for the instructors (Hanafi, Orange, Malex, Robin, Calvin etc.) and support the growing dance industry! Best of all? IT'S FREE! $.$ :)

Okay the poster will give you more details on the schdeule and location!

Do check it out and can tag on my tagboard if you guys are coming! :)

By the way, the nearest MRT station is Pioneer!

COME AND SUPPORT!

a lil bit of craziness in my life

Hello!

This week is gonna be a crazy one for me!!
Picture this, I am busy for most days but I do have short, weird timing breaks(eg. Now, 3.50pm @ TP Library.).

My schedule for this week:

Monday:
4 - 6pm School
6 - 7pm Meeting with the fly girls
7pm onwards Meet my darling

Tuesday:
9 - 9.30am Consultation @ Skin Clinic in Kovan
10 - 12noon Dance Rehearsals for Emerge
1 - 2pm Group project meeting
2 - 4pm School
7 - 10pm Training for Dancepointe Performance

Wednesday:
12 - 3pm School
3.30 - 5pm Modern Open Session @ RP
8.45pm - late Rehearseals for Emerge @ Jurong West

Thursday:
9 - 11am School
12 - 1pm Lunch with Kenny
6 - 8pm Training for Jim Beam
8 - 9.15pm Dancepointe Rehearsals @ SMU
9.15 - 11pm Emerge Training @ O School

Friday(have yet to plan finish):
11 - 4pm School

Saturday:
9 - 12noon Dancepointe Showcase
1 - 6pm Emerge
(Shall not go KO night this week! Need to study!!!)

Sunday:
9 -2pm Emerge

Hahaha! I think I am crazy I kinda like this kinda schedule, like busy and I won't be able to day-dream, build castles in the sky and question myself stupid things. Then again, if it carries on in the long-run my body will fail me and I'll get tired. Thus, I will be able to appreciate my carefree days.

Life is like that, don't you think? You will ask God, why I don't have this, I don't have that. Then when you grab hold of what He has given to you, you'll be like: "God, I can't take it anymore, it's too hard for me to handle!". That's why I feel these few weeks ahead I want to appreciate all the things God has provided for me. Besides opportunities, I really thank Him for giving me abilities, special and unique abilities that He has provided for each and everyone of us. Faith is leading me right now, and I know through faith, I can achieve greater things in store for me.

I wanna say right now, my flygirls, thank you for letting me take one step closer to my goals and dreams. I wouldn't be able to do it without you guys, not just the minimum requirement for a group but also the abilities and support each of us has given each other! I really thank you girls for that, like Beautiful Chin says: "LET'S WIN THIS THING! :-D".

I'll definitely miss my baby boy. No matter what, or how busy/tired I am, I will definitely make time for you! So don't hesitate to call me, despite the fact that you know I will be busy. Each call you make, is like a energy + love supply for me! :) I love you beautiful. <3

Like what Meiqi would say right now, let's CHIONG CHIONG CHIONG!

The Obvious Reasons

This ain't the first, but I hope it'll will be the last.

I have told you countless times, my beliefs that a relationship needs a lot of communication. I find it absurd that you can wait the entire day for me to go Online, then you start talking to me. So, if I don't go Online, you wouldn't even bother to contact me at all?

VERY ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :@

Some times I wonder if I am asking for alot? These are simple acts that I have been asking for, yet I have to keep repeating my request. I can just forget about other things already.

perhaps, perhaps, perhaps

when will you learn?

some things you just have an opportunity.

a once in a lifetime kinda thing.

maybe i shouldn't care so much, i'm really tired.
i just wanna grow old with you.

400 the prequel.

Listen up Spartans!

The 400th post is here!!! It gets better with more tickles (inside joke) and dance!

Okay first things first, if you are sitting next to someone, tickle the person and see who drops to the floor first! If you are alone, find someone to tickle! Winners get an all expense paid trip to http://lo0-l0o.blogspot.com!

I love lying on your bed and tickle you at all your weak spots!

My easily tickled boy!

this is the part whereby the greatness of the hurt could not be express out by crying or talking.

Days have past and I am here to talk about it.

First things first, I'm glad that the civil war in Sri Lanka between the Tamil Tigers and militants have came to an end on the coast of Sri Lanka. People were rejoycing on the streets and celebrating it. Finally peace has come for them, they waited their entired lives for this, but those people, selfish and ignorant only caring about themselves, continued it for many years despite the civillians plea. Now, they day has finally come! So happy for peace!

These days past slowly and I got myself thinking again. Ever felt that you were close to this person, but the person does not feel the same? Where did all the effort in the friendship go to? So it was plainly based on gifts, late night talks and fame? I don't get it why people are like that. I thought there was this mutual trust, but it is all based on my one person's point of view. Seriously, if you don't like me just say, no point putting up a facade just to accomodate people around you. I don't think I did any wrong, I may not be a perfect person, but at least my conscience is clear.

I know I am not 100% pure or great in any sense, I do have bad intentions in my head sometimes when things pisses me off. However, I am not that bad to the extent whereby I CARRY OUT MY ACT. It's so disgusting to do such a thing! So what? You think everyone revolves around you and has to give in to you so that you can get the best out of it? Please la, I don't know whether you'll still change, I've told myself countless times, forgive and forget. I think by the time all these ends, the amount of forgiveness I have put into for you, I would have become a well that doesn't run dry.

Maybe things have changed, I don't know. To me the friendship is still there, just that it is in coma. I don't get it.Why it would turn out like that. I just hope that you'll know your mistakes and change for the better.

Next, I am quite upset by something that has been lingering in my heart for so long. I remembered there was once we had an arguement about it, you all said we were being too close and felt leftout. Now who's the one leaving who out? It is not as if we did not try to reach out to you guys again, I mean things were a tad bit sensitive after that, but all in all it turn out well. There goes my hopes again, I feel very 'thrown away' in a sense whereby, the 4 of you will always be the 4 of you and we whom I thought were the best girls, never existed. I know these are all my thoughts, but evidence was thrown right smack in my face. I just have to suck it up and accept it. I know some loves of mine feel the same, others who are stronger told me it's okay to move on. I don't wanna get stuck in a rut because of it either. Just swallow it up and move on.

It is very heartbreaking to be going through this time and again. I just wish my circle of friends, who I can depend on for life will appear in my eyes. I have been searching and searching but to no avail, my only comfort and listener right now is the Boyfriend. I wonder, when will they appear? Individuals with like minds, compassion, individuality, similiar goals? I hope God plants them on Earth asap!

I'm just sick and tired of all these nonsense, but I am not wavering out, I am just taking my time to overcome it and I know I will be able to. Days ahead will be going to pack and busy, perhaps by then I would have forgotten and will be too busy to think about it anymore. I wanna strive for my goals: Dance. I had a feeling this year will be a year full of self-actualisation and achievement. I don't know why I had these kinda thoughts, I believe it is a revelation and I am going to work for it. Slough it out till my skin wrinkles and muscles ache.

I am trying to revive a group that has been very important to me, I hope you guys will support and not back down. The only reason why I didn't want it at first cos I wanted to try something new, something that I had faith in too. I hoped for all of us to be in, but there were too many complications and I could not make any particular decisions cos I know I will be ousted if I did. But you see, nobody will be able to see this, except me. So, please stop assuming what so ever,I tried my best but this is life, it doesn't go the way you want it to.

Sorry for this major post! It is just everything that I have been bottling up. I caught a cold over the weekend and I ain't feeling too good. Oh yeah, I danced to a praise song in church over the weekends too, it had been an amazing experience!

Last thing before I go, the dance studio that I am teaching a will be having their openhouse on the 6th of June, details will be posted up again. I hope you guys will come as I will be having a FREE REGGAE DANCE trial class! Hahaha! Support the dance industry yo! Other instructors include, Hanafi, Malex, Orange and Robin! I will post the details later, so remember to keep your day free! :)